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If I could wish for anything on this unrelentingly depressing planet, it would be for a life without worry. A life where I don't sit in constant doubt of myself. A life where I don't contemplate suicide every other day. A life where I don't unintentionally feed into my mental health problems. A life where I don't worry about what everyone else is thinking. A life where I don't get irrefutably paranoid. A life where I'm not constantly loathing my own birth. A life where the only thing that breaks through, the only thing I worry about, and the only thing I focus on, is my partner. She's the light of my life and the only one who breaks through nowadays, but I find it so hard to enjoy the moment. It feels like I'm fighting against myself anytime she's away, like I have to fight my own illness to not panic when she's away. I just want to close the gap with her so we can finally sleep side by side every night, so when I wake up, she's the first sight I see. I want a peaceful island with all the essentials taken care of, one where we can live simply and focus only on what matters. I want a life where my mind isn't so plagued by confusion and brokenness, one where I'm finally free. I wish I was brave enough to kill myself, but I know I'd scar her beyond repair. I want to get better, to reach that island so far away. I need to not give up, and I hope that by the time I come back to read this, I'll be in a better place. I hope and pray deep down that my mind will finally settle and stop fighting me, I don't want to be so terrified all the time. I just want to enjoy a simple life, with my wife and I.
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Love is what we are all looking for. Have you ever seen a mad dog, he is not looking for food in the empty streets but for Love. You love him and let his madness begone. Let him be free. Let him be out of his mind for a while.
In the realm of Love, hope is the driver. Whoever is hopeless does not belong here. How can he be for he is a slave of logic, and love loves illogical!
With Love!
Replyhope you get to talk about this with your wife if you are able to.
hope that you find peace and comfort within yourself and her's world.
hope that when you wake up and see her sleeping face, you can ground yourself to the present and banish any traces of the negativity that comes from your mental illness.
hope that one day you and your wife and simply be in each others' presence, living a stress-free life together.
hope that you can wake up not feeling any weight on your shoulders.
hope that you can find peace of mind somehow.
thank you for sharing.
wish I could bless you both.
ReplyI think everyone in tbe world wants this
Reply