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I feel like I'm a horrible person for feeling the way I do. I'm under a lot of stress for a lot of different reasons and I don't even know where to start with all of this really but all I'm gonna do is keep writing because I need to get this out of my system somehow.
I'm usually a pretty confident person. I've done a lot of work on myself in the past; left toxic relationships, learned how to communicate more effectively, learned how to feel more comfortable in my own skin. I've done really well for someone who went through so much as an adolescent.
My grandfather, my mother's dad, was recently diagnosed with colon cancer just a few months ago. He had surgery and they got the cancer and we were all so happy. He's such an amazing man and we all love him so much, we all know how lucky we are to have such a wonderful person in our lives. he came back from hospital after his surgery and all was well in the world, then a few days ago his wife got a call from his consultant to say they found more cancer. This time in the lymph nodes. He's in his late 70s, and we worry that he's too weak due to his age and weakened immune system for effective chemotherapy. I'm terrified we'll lose him. His wife will be devastated. My whole family will be heartbroken. I can't bare thinking about it.
On the same day we found this out, my grandmother, my dads mother, was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It's spread all throughout her body and she's currently in our local hospital receiving palliative care. They're expecting her to pass away by the end of July, if not before that. Her and my immediate family have a pretty rocky relationship with her, however since I started uni which is close to her house I'd visit her for a couple hours every second day or so. I grew very close to her, but both my older sisters are quite estranged from her for reasons I'm just not bothered to discuss right now. But because of this I feel as though i can't turn to my family for support, but of course they're also grieving in their own way and I'm more than aware of this but I feel really selfish or something because I just want to talk. I fucking need talk but I feel like I can't because I'm afraid of upsetting everyone and I'm afraid of getting more upset myself. I'm hurt and scared for two people I love and i feel like the most horrible person for feeling like this is "inconvenient timing"....
I'm hitting two big milestones in July, one of which I've worked so hard for. (The other one is that I'm turning 21 on the 5th but that's not all that important hahaha)
I'm currently training to be a nurse. I'm graduating on the 11th of July, after working my fucking arse off for years to get my qualification. I'm pissed off that this is going unrecognised by both sides of my family, because of everything that's going on with both my grandparents. I feel like a disgusting, horrible person for feeling this way but I've been working so hard, a "well done" or "I'm so proud" would be nice to hear, but nobody cares because of everything they should all be prioritising, my graduation obviously isn't one of them and I don't necessarily expect it to be, But I want it to be important to them too. We come from a tiny little town, im making somethinf good out of myself, I love what I do and I know that I'm good at what I do and I believe I'll go far in my career, and I'm otherwise happy with how my life is going. But nobody besides me seems to care about it and it's hurtful. The other day one of my dads sisters made a comment about how I won't be able to stay in that specific career and another one told me that I'm far from making it as a nurse (despite the fact that all my provisional results have been distinctions and I'm like 3 weeks from graduating). Like sorry excuse me?? I get that she's hurt over her mom and all that, hell i am too, but what the fuck gives her the right to knock me down and be so condescending?! I'm working so hard, I always have worked hard, and that's what I get?? From someone who has had everything handed to her her whole life?? I'm sickened that she said that and I'm so hurt that she genuinely couldn't see anything wrong with what she said. To her it was just a fact. (A very fucking wrong one).
I also feel like a horrible person for finding the time inconvenient because I had plans made for my 21st, paid the deposit to rent the local bar, paid a DJ, booked the catering, bought my outfit, had it all planned and I was so excited and then all of this happened and it's all had to be cancelled. My 21st, the thing I've been looking forward to all year, would be inappropriate. I know it sounds disgusting, I love my grandmother, and she wouldn't want me to hold back from celebrating. but it wouldn't be appropriate and I'm disappointed. Like a spoilt child. Over something so ridiculously fucking stupid.
My boyfriend is incredible, and he's so supportive, but I'm so stressed and depressed lately that I don't want to keep going to him with my problems because it's just constant misery for him and it'll only strain our relationship. Its not fair on him.
I'm disgusted at myself for being so selfish. I'm so hurt that I'm losing two people I love dearly. I'm angry at my aunt for saying the things she said. I'm stressed because I can't say any of this to my family. Its causing me to be angry at EVERYTHING. I'm just ready to fucking scream and punch something and get so fucking drunk to numb myself out because I feel so sick of everything. I'm sick of being hurt and depressed and angry and feeling like I'm a selfish bitch for being angry over things that are trivial and stupid.
I just want to feel happy without something to be worrying or sad about lingering in the back of my mind.
I am not a horrible person. I am caring and compassionate and I love everyone I have in my life. I know my complaints regarding my graduation and birthday are so unimportant in comparison to the fact that two people I love are dying from cancer. But it's just a combination of everything. while I know good things are happening to me I feel so overwhelmed with negative emotion. I feel like everything is going wrong. I'm ready to explode.
Please be kind if you're going to comment. There's nothing bad about this you could say to me that I haven't already said to myself.
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Well there is a time for everything. A time to smile, a time to cry. A time to get confident, and a time to get shy. Everything is good at its own time. You have your special days coming, but in comparison to what your family might be suffering it is important but comparably less, is it not?
I know you are an intelligent and responsible girl, and you know that there will be many instances when your family will cheer your success. But what is important is you don't get demoralized, and stay focused for life is going to test you many times.
With Love!
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