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Hello :D, im just a 15 years old girl. I have been keeping this feeling to myself all of the year, and this year, i finally feels like writing about this. So, my story goes like this :, Ever since i was little, i have always been a quite girl and i think the "quietest person in class or even school" title would definitely goes to me. I used to suffer from Selective Mutism, a condition which makes you really can't talk in a situation for example, in school. In kindergarten, I did talk to people but only when they ask me a question or when I feel like saying sonething for example, Person A: "my mother gave me this", and the other student was like :" oh, what store did she got it from!!?", And i remembered saying: " we have one at home too!! ". Also, in kindergarten and preschool, i never goes like: "Hello, how are you?" To other student. Other student may feels bored not socializing with others, and remembered disliking playing with them because i cant understand their games, and i also thinks that stuff that i did myself was way more fun that playing with other kids, and i realized that i always ignore them.
So i finally went to elementary school, and was put in the best class among the four class. So, at first day, students started asking each others names and i remembered not having interest in knowing about them,so being me, i don't talk to someone i not familiar with that time, so after many weeks of school, everyone starts socializing, telling stories, to each other and i dont even have interest talking to them that time. So in class our seats were arranged in group style, so i sat in group with other students, i remembered them saying hi to me and i dont even replied, i just look at them and went back on staring at something else, actually thinking about the animal documentary i just watched yesterday. Thinking back about it, the me right now feels like scolding the 7 yo me, i wondered why i thought that they would not mind if i dont reply to their question,so basically, as i was a young child, i always lack the ability to feel empathy, its not that i dont have empathy, i hope you guys understand :D. So, in grade 4 and 5 i was bullied, yes you read it right, bullied. I forgot the reason why these girls from my class starts bothering me. I think there is nothing i did that offend them as i was always a silent girl who rarely talks and only talks to the teacher when they ask me personally. I think they just hate my attitude. I sometimes thinks that it can be my fault too, when they first approach me, well, i dont even recognize them because i dont look at every students face in my class and only recognize my deskmates because i saw them often. So back to the point, what i remembered was, they asking me question for example, "do have siblings?" , And i always just replied by nodding or shaking my head, and me now knows that its not a good way to reply to somebody, like i said i lack the ability. But, hey, they dont need to get to the point where they bully me thou, its not like i dont talk at in school that time. And these girls, one day, started to dare bullying me like pinching me, took my eraser and one boy who actually friend with these girl took my eraser and gave it to someone else, he was like: " Hey i found something, i will give it to you" , my new mechanical pencil ink were poured of on the floor and i remembered them ruining it that it cant be used anymore because it already snaped to many half, one of these girl are actually cousins with the other girl, and the duo is always the one who bothers me a lot. I went early to class and in that class were only me and one of the duo, the other students who also came earlier went to school canteen or toilet, so she actually hits my head hard with her hands as if hitting a drum, these girls also pinched me to the point it bleed and bruised.I still cant forgive what they did to me. The homeroom teacher thought that they were my close friend and put me to sits with them because i always a quite girl, i dont blame the teacher, she doesn't know anything. Because of them, I can't focus on my study, since me and these girl are deskmates they always use my table to put their stuffs like books and i always can't use the table to put my books while studying, the reason why i didn't push their stuff back to their table is beacause im avoiding being bothered by them not because im afraid of them. In grade 4, i remembered having an 'accident' in class, that time i actually had diarrhea and it almost break time and 7 minutes left, so i decide to wait until break time to go to toilet sudenly my stomach starts grumblings and thats when it happens, so everyone notice it and i think its very embarrassing, the teacher told me to go to the toilet and three(i think) of these girls accompany me to the toilet because the teacher told someone to accompany me to toilet, i remember one of these girl write note in my book," 'Me' are scared to ask the teacher and had an accident in class", and they also put my bag in trash plastic and drag it around the class i keep chasing them around which makes me looks like a fool. And finally the teacher called my mother to pick me up early, she asked some questions and I answered her and rub oitment on my stomach, everyone in my class thought i only reply by nodding and shaking my head. So in grade 6, they dont really have time too bully me because i moved school. I still remember how obessive they are with bullying and hurting me physically and mentally. I also remember about when i answered their question with words, yes, W.o.r.d and i thought they wont bully me anymore if i talk,I recalled the look on their face when they ask me a question, they were looking at me as if i was weak and a fool, but i think it doesn't matter anymore because i thought they would stop bothering me. When one day, they ask me a question that made me felt really angry and sad, the question is :,"can we bully you back?", I felt like a 'thing' and not even a human like them, and they really starts bothering me again. And when i moved school, thats when i really doesn't talk to other student and teacher anymore, gladly no one dares to bully me at my new school because my father is works there. And i finally went to middle school where I was 'reunited' with these girl, but most of these girl went to other middle school and i was in the same class with 2 of these girls the other doesn't bother me anymore and the other one who was one of the 'duo' thought she can bully me physically again but that time i don't allow her anymore,when she wants to try to pinch me, I pushed her chair away and she doesn't 'physically' bother me anymore but she does mentally bully me for example, she was playing a game like using a paper (cube i guess) ,and if it land to one of the word she would call me stupid. In middle school i think that is when everyone really dislike me the most because i really dont talk in school at all even if the teacher ask me. So the two of 'these girls' actually told our other classmate about the 'accident'. I hate them telling people about that because they don't know what really happened, its okay if i had 'accident' in 2 grade but, a 4th grader!!. *Sigh*. I sometimes wish i could turn back time and change it all. There also my girl classmate who are not one of these girl, but from the same 'second elementary school i moved to', they told people (the teachers,and other students) that i was very loud at home, and i think i know where these came from, they ask my siblings about me and my younger sister *sigh*, she was like "she's loud and talk the most at home but quite at school!!" *Sigh*, eventhough its not really true, i dint blame her because she was just in kindergarten that time. But i do, talk a lot about my interest in cats, i actually repeats the same things about cats and animal, LOL. So when i went to highschool, I enrolled in one of the best class there that on the same reputation as the first class are. In english class, this teacher yelled at me because i didn't talk at all, she put me at the back seats that doesn't have student at all and i felt like a fool, she even personally calls me to the discipline room and her word never actually sounds comforting and motivating, she was like, "if you didn't talk, we need to 'throw' you out to the low class and i also need to call your parents here. The class you are in are one of the high reputation class and not for someone that have attitude like you!!". I remembered the school called my mother because of me and at home she kept saying while crying, "why, just why you are like this!!!, What sin have i done!!", It made me felt really bad and its also one of the reason why i never tell my parents about getting bullied, i just..., don't like seeing them like that and i felt really, really stressed out and guilty,and i really hates blaming people, and i cant help but to say that getting bullied was also my fault, everything sounds like my fault!!!, and also from that, i have a very low self-esteem, its not like i dont want to talk, Selective Mutism is not about someone choosing to not talk, its a severe anxiety disorder!!!. I get anxious everytime, i really mind about the tone of my voice, my appearance, worried that it looks bad in other eyes , i hate to get worry every time. I felt really, really, tired and cats are have always been my very best, loyal, friend!!!. So, again, I move from my previous to my current school right now, its out of my hometown and i live with my aunt, I actually prefer to live with my parents but my parents doesn't work here, its better in my new school, i got over the disorder, and finally talk at school and have friend, but still i was the quietest, haha. I never told my friends about my disorder that i used to suffer and i prefer the teacher not knowing it either because i no longer suffer from it anymore, but the problem is, my aunt told one of the teacher about it, (i saw her chat with the teacher), and she screenshot the chat and gave it to my mother to see how i was doing there, but my aunt delete the part where she told the teacher about it, my mother also actually prefer my previous disorder are not known to other, because i also worried it would interfere with my 'new' life there, i wish if my friends ever met my previous schoolmate, i hope they wouldn't tell about my bad past like one of 'these girl' did to me, it basically can ruined my dignity and image, so one of the lesson that you can learn here is, never tell anyone about someones bad history because you never know what they are going through eventhough the person is someone bad. My other problem in my new place is my aunt, she always says things that never sounds motivational and encouraging, she was like: "you should move to normal streamed class (i was in science stream class, where its the only class that includes biology, chemistry, and physic subject, in my country)", just because i failed the these subjects , and she told me it was because i was lazy, i actually tried hard to improve, but her words are depressing. And the report about me that she wrote to my mom makes my mother thinks otherwise about me.I also dont blame my aunt, because she just want me to be better.
So, it think this is one of the longest story in Novni, haha, all of these are the problem and feelings that i kept to my self for all this year, please give me advice if you can. If you encounter any bullying please take action like telling the teacher or comfort them and then the police. #StopBully #selectivemutismawareness #mentalhealthawareness
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