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I really wish people would stop telling me how to feel or what is right in their opinion. I don't share my feelings to receive advice from others on how to see myself. I know myself, my limits and faults and short-comings. Hearing from someone that "Oh no, you're fine, you're attractive" or "You don't need to lose weight, stop being silly" doesn't help in the least. It only serves to make me feel invalidated, as if my feelings are not important.
For some reason other people seem to think they can see me better than I can see myself. That I somehow have a twisted sense of self that can in no way be true. It is true, I am by nature very self critical, always have been, always will. However, it does not serve to fill my vision with fog, I can clearly see myself. Even if it's not how everyone else sees me.
But, that's the thing. I see what no one else sees, I'm the only one present when the smiles and laughs turn to sneers of disgust and sobs. I see what lies beneath loose, many sizes too big clothing. Funny, that they only see the imagine of myself I want them to see, yet they seem to think that they know me so clearly.
It's funny, how easily I can fool people into thinking that I'm cool, or confident or god forbid attractive.
For years people have been telling me how to feel, like I have some sort of "Help me!" tattooed to my forehead. I somewhat understand their words, that indeed do not come from a place of maliciousness, but of care. Still they only fuel to invalidate my own perception of myself. One that has been thriving for a very long time. One that does not want to change or shift or make accommodations for other ways to view myself.
Sometimes I wish I could see myself as others see me, just so I could hold up a mirror and try to look at the differences between mine and their perceptions. Try to see what they see, while still keeping true to my own view. Hopeless, I would say.
In my mind I'm right, how could anyone know me better than I do. They're not privy to every doubt and fear lingering in my mind, they don't know the pit of self-loathing and disgust I feel every time I fail to hold onto what little self-restraint I have. There is no one to witness the countless bouts of funks that I voluntarily, though maybe not, put myself through. The inner turmoil is always there, crippling me. No one sees it of course, after years of practice even I would find it difficult.
My thoughts have always been very precious to me, so precious in fact that for years I kept them bottled up. It wasn't fear holding me back, then again, maybe it was. Fear of hearing how my negative thoughts were of course wrong because "I was so great" or "I was perfect the way I was", and while those words were lovely and only came from a place of love and affection they only served to worsen my own perception of myself. Because now in addition to thighs like fat, stupid, lazy, ugly, overlooked, I could add "unimportant".
I feared rejection for so long, because every time I opened up to how I felt about myself I would get shutdown with "kind" reassurances. I often wondered if people understood that I wasn't looking for reassurance or validation and that those kind words didn't feel so kind after all. I never wanted to feel better about myself, I only wanted to vent, to share my feelings with someone I trusted.
Determination was something that often fueled me in my search to understand my own perception of myself. I felt that if I couldn't share it with the people in my life, maybe I could write it down. That somehow seeing those words in writing would jog my brain into working out why I could so clearly see what I was, but no one else could. Perhaps, I now realize, I was too expectant on results.
I used to avoid mirrors. I knew by heart every flaw and short-coming I had, but mirrors only served to point out those things so I could never forget them. Not that I ever tried, my flaws were the only thing keeping me afloat, the idea of continuous self-improvement fueled my spirit and mind.
To me mirrors were there to remind me of the truth whenever my mind decided to wander. One look into a mirror would shatter any idea or pretense of confidence. Feeling good? Thinking you look okay? Better look into a mirror to fix that. It was a vicious cycle that had no end in sight.
I was always a dreamer, always planning for the future. It didn't matter how horrible the present was, the future would have to be better and brighter. So while I lied in my bed at night, self deprecating thoughts swirling around in my head I tried to remember that I was suffering for a better future. That even if I wasn't happy now, I would be later on. Today's suffering over tomorrow's worrying.
The thought of a better tomorrow always fueled me to keep going. I often wondered how long it would take for me to reach that perfect future. I still don't know.
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