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I don’t know what to do about this and it’s fucking me up mentally.
Please don’t read if you’re trigger by sexual assault or incest. I’d hate to bring this type of pain back to anyone with similar situations who ended up with PTSD.
My grandpa has been sexually assaulting me since I was 15 years old. I haven’t been raped, but I’ve been sending pictures to him in exchange for money, and at the time it started out small. Just pictures of me in my underwear. I’ve sent a piss video. I’ve sent videos of me having sex with my boyfriend. Thankfully, he hasn’t touched me much. Just my breasts, my nipples, my buttocks.
Unfortunately, I’m now 21. It hasn’t stopped. And he’s living with my father and myself. I’m legitimately scared. But, my father and I are in a horrible spot financially. He’s jobless, unable to work due to medical issues. I need two surgeries done for myself and he offered to pay for them both, and he’s been paying rent for us both, along with groceries... as long as I send 4 pictures a week, and I let him see me twice in person. I feel like when I say “he’s only touched my breasts” it’s not.. right. That’s not what I should be saying. I shouldn’t be writing this. I shouldn’t be saying any of this. It’s horrible. It’s disgusting. I don’t want my father and I to be in a worse spot than we are. But at the same time, I don’t know if I can do what I’m doing anymore. It’s fucking my sex life up, (I’m not thinking of these situations in a turned on state, but I believe I’m starting to get PTSD from it, because the images of when he touches my nipples which he’s done twice makes me cry, I want to shrivel up and die). I don’t know my morals, or my mental state? Am I a sociopath? Am I disgusting? I know I need therapy but I don’t know what they’ll do if I tell them it’s still happening. That I’m forcing myself to continuously do this for the sake of my well being and my father who’s been there for me since my mother left when I was 15.
My poor father tries so hard to take care of us both but ever since I was 16 we’ve been in a hard spot. I have a disease that’s expensive. Around $1500 a month without insurance (I have it so it’s about $200 a month, but still..) I’ve been able to survive with the money, the barter system that’s been created. I don’t know if I can tell my father this. I probably never will. I can’t. Not until my grandfather dies. And I hope. I pray. He passes away soon. I don’t wish this mental state. This trauma on anyone. I haven’t said anything or told anyone. And I can’t let the legal system take him away because it’ll be a nasty butterfly effect.
I hate this. I feel disgusting. This is somehow my fault still. He acts like it’s justified because we’re related. He’s fucked up in the head. I’m fucked up in the head for doing it. I don’t remember him in my childhood. So it’s not like I’ve known him for being a loving grandfather at any point of time. Maybe it’s been going on longer than I remember and I’m suppressing it. But I’ve just known him for a disgusting human being who’s used me for pictures in exchange for money. Justifying it by a layer of trust that exists in him but not me.
I’d like to enable comments to see if anyone else feels sympathy, maybe I will one day. But, I feel the trolls and shit posters would get to this post quicker than the support systems. No, I don’t live in Alabama btw.
I don’t know what to do.
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