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Like I sometimes want to kill myself but I know I never really would.
Basically, I just don't want to keep doing this. Life's really great sometimes, but sometimes it's just so long. And it'll never stop. I'll always have to keep doing things, staying on top of appointments, either keep hating myself or work through it, deal with emotions, deal with causing problems for other people. It's so much work and it never ends. So sometimes I just want to end it because I don't want to keep with it. Sometimes I feel like I just cause problems for people and it'd be better without me, even though I know that's not really true.
So I know I'd never actually kill myself. I don't have the guts to. I'm just to flaky and indecisive. And I know it'd fuck up my siblings and my parents and my friends and all the people I know. This one kid that went to my school killed himself and it affected so many people. So it's given me some more perspective. And I also don't really want to die. Like, whenever I'm having a good time I think "If I had killed myself I wouldn't get to be here right now". Pretty much every time without fail. Which could be a bad thing in itself.
But I think about it a lot. I've looked things up and I kinda have a plan. I've made a lot of plans. I think about killing myself a lot. Sometimes I feel like I could. A couple of nights ago, I felt like I probably could have killed myself if things were a little worse and I had easy access to something. But maybe I'd talk myself out of it.
And as far as I know I'm not depressed or anxious or anything but I guess I could be I just don't know and don't think so? I could be ADD but I'm not sure and I kinda don't think so. But maybe I'm just talking myself out of it. I hate myself a lot though. I get stress stomachaches whenever shit happens. Sometimes I just feel really emotionally terrible and I wish I could just pass out so I didn't have to think. I self harm and have for a while. About half the time I feel totally fine. Maybe I'm just not sleeping enough and I'm being irrational.
So I don't know if that counts as being suicidal. If I sort of want to kill myself but I also don't want to die and I pretty much know I wouldn't kill myself.
ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and I can't talk to anyone about it either. I'm so fucking confused about everything.
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suicide
i just want to kill myself. everything hurts and is hard and i’m just tired of fighting when it doesn’t do anything for me....
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Am i normal, am i here?
Am i normal, am i here? I planned my death, i planned how it was going to go and it failed. The rope broke, i feel 8ft, stayed on the cold wet floor for a...
Stuff like this scares the shit out of me. My adrenaline starts pumping and I have moments where I freeze up and panic. I tell myself someone will be there to say something so it's ok to skip by but that's just messed up. I would've been a useless bystander.
I need to stress it took me like a dozen separate attempts at writing a response and this is the furthest I've gotten.
First, hi I'm ruby. I'm a pessimist by trade so I dont have the greatest outlook on most things, but I try not to let that get in the way of helping others. My biggest piece of advice is to seek professional help. There are resources out there that are easier than ever to access if you're struggling. If you aren't sure then again, ask a professional about it. The fact that you already have a plan is red flag after red flag. Please look into getting help, or talk to someone you can trust, I know you said you have no one to talk to but surely there's someone you trust enough to share these thoughts with.
If need be you can ask someone here for an ear, plenty of people here are more then willing to listen, myself included and it will be 100% anonymous.
My point is, I'm glad you decided to share but it's clear something needs to be done. The way you're describing this, anyway.
I am so shit at this. Please talk to someone. Dont give up, the night is darkest before the dawn or something inspiring. Stay stronger because you're so much stronger than you seem to give yourself credit for. You made it this far, its be a mistake to throw it away.
Replythank you
Replythank you
Replyi am sad to know that someone else also feels these terrible feelings as me....i wish you woulnt feel this way..
stay strong :)
Replyat many points in my daily life i have questioned how would it be if i were dead...how would it change things or would it even make a difference?
Replyhey, this is kind of crazy but i feel the exact same way. It fucking hurts too because I have all the material things i could ever want. I have a nice family, the best friends i could ask for, a nice house, etc but i just feel like it's my own personal hell. There are people out there who are really going through hell and don't feel the way i do. It makes me feel so guilty. I know i won't do it but it's always in the back of my head. I guess you could say my parents are overprotective and that's one of the reasons why i get so stressed and like this i guess. They don't let me see my friends or do the stuff i want to do. They just want me to get the grades which fucking sucks. Anyway it's really weird because the stuff you wrote down is kind of exactly how i feel. I self harm too and I'm not using it as justification, it kind of just happens. I'll make a sarcastic comment to either of my parents, they'll get mad and then i'll get upset. I don't know whether it's just me being sensitive but its awful. Another thing that is literally what you wrote down is stomach aches when i get any type of stressed. My dad is a doctor and he thinks its anxiety and I kind of know it's that because I've had a number of 'panic attacks'. I'm writing this just looking at the 'offer support' tab at the top of this so i don't know whether this is right for me to be telling you. I don't know you, you could be on the opposite side of the world from me and yet i'm telling you shit i haven't even admitted to myself. Well, i don't know if you're going to see this and if you do even reply. Just know that, you're not the only one feeling like this. It is kind of blowing my mind that almost all the stuff you wrote i feel the exact same but its kind of helped me a bit knowing that you feel kind of the same as me. I don't expect you to reply but.... i dont know its just confusing like you said. I guess that's it from me.
Replyactually, hearing that you feel the same way is kinda comforting, even though it sucks and I wish you didn't. So thanks for writing
Reply