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Today, I was left alone in the house. My parents and siblings all went out and I was left to house-sit. I don't mind. I like being alone. I can relax and do whatever I want and the quietness is calming.
I was lying in bed feeling lazy when I decided to go to the kitchen to drink. As I was standing by the sink, I saw a knife in the dishes and thought about picking it up. I wondered what it would feel like to hold it up against my wrist and press down. I felt my heart beating really fast and my knees went weak. I was excited and almost breathless at the thought of cutting myself. The feeling was so intense that it scared me. I've never self-harmed before, but I have thought about it. I've thought about cutting and had some urges before but not this strong. I don't think I can do it. I don't like pain. But in that moment, I felt transfixed. I didn't know what to do afterwards so now I'm typing this. I don't know what I'll do if that urge comes up again. Maybe I shouldn't be at home alone anymore.
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I hope you can RUN away from that feeling, if it comes again. You really don't want to get started with that problem. The scars will follow you everywhere, and will be seen by employers and lovers and at the beach, etc.
ReplyI have never cut nor do I plan to. I had a scratch on my wrist from my cat once.
ReplyIf you have that feeling again, please fight it. Don't let it take over. I didn't like the pain either. I didn't like the stinging I felt in the shower or the looks I got from friends and strangers alike. And I will carry those scars with me for the rest of my days. A lot of them healed well, a couple of bad ones didn't. If I could rewind the clock, I never would have started it. Because once you start, it is so so hard to break. And you wear that choice you made every day. I hope you can resist the urge. It really isn't worth what you are left with in the end.
ReplyI'll keep this in mind. I haven't thought about it again since then but it was still pretty disturbing. I hope it wouldn't come up again. Thank you so much. :)
ReplyOkay.
Reply