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I've read that certain mental illnesses are linked with people who are pretty smart. So the smarter you are and more open minded to leaning then the more mental illness effects you? I dont know how that works. I just know I've suffered from recurrent depression and anxiety for years even before I seen a doctor for it. I was only diagnosed in 2015 (I say only because there's people in the world who have lived with the Illness a whole lot longer). It seems everytime I do better and feel genuinely happy, my ugly half (that's what I call my depression) swoopes in and takes the driver's seat from my anxiety. I used to work part time and although I hated my job, I loved my job at the same time and made some good friends out of my coworkers. That all changed when I decided to become a full time stay at home mom for my step daughter while my fiance works 10-12 hour days. I love her and my fiance with all of my heart and soul. But here's the thing being home all day with a kid I cook and clean and then repeat the whole thing the next day. Well with having so much spare time I turned to social media and took a HUGE deep dive into ALL sorts of conspiracy theories. (Yea I know what your thinking that's stupid who does that.) Well when you have time to kill EVERYDAY and once you start reading and researching then it sucks you in like a vacuum and you can't stop. So here's the crazy part the more I read and researched the more everything started to make perfect clear sense and all the pieces fit together. I would dream about the stuff I read and I would make connections between these far fetched conspiracies that actually seemed to make sense. Until one night (BTW I USED TO BE A REGULAR MARIJUANA SMOKER I took a break for about 3-4 months for financial reasons) I decided to take some pot from my brothers stash and smoked it. I didn't know that his stash was laced with LSD!! I'm being completely honest here I've tried some drugs before (coke, acid, molly, x, weed) but NEVER LSD. I tripped so hard I almost gave myself and anxiety attack that would've put me in the hospital. With everything I had been reading in the days before and all the research and thoughts running through my head plus the things that are going on in the news and the quart cases I've seen I made so many more connections between all the theories I'd read about and I couldn't get them out of my head. I went to bed that night and had a dream I'll never forget. I came to the conclusion that death for EVERY human is 100% inevitable and humans existence was once meant to be something greater before we decided to let other humans control and poison us but now human existence is completely meaningless. With that being said my mind is stuck on the fact of TV, phones, computers, and any other electronics are just distractions, ways to keep us looking at a screen instead of seeing whats going on in the real world. But with everything I've told you its given me a new look on life and not in a good way. When you have learned the things I have you learn the world is A LITTLE WHOLE LOT uglier then we ever believed. If death is inevitable why live through these incredibly difficult and dangerous days and prolong what will undoubtedly happen in the future. Why go on feeling the ugly ways that I do dealing with mental illness rather than just ending it myself now and not having to see our beautiful planet suffer more than it already is. I can't go on knowing that our world is in shambles and there is NOTHING I can do to change or stop it because I'm just ONE CRAZY DEPRESSED AND ANXIOUS PERSON THAT TOOK SOME INSTAGRAM POSTS TO SERIOUSLY AND MADE SOMETHING OUT OF NOTHING... is how the world will see me. Well if you made it through my crazy rambling from my head and got this far your a brave one but I will say that I definitely think I need to see a therapist and start antidepressants again. I just HATE the way they make me feel like a zombie just numb to the world or sleeping all the time. (Maybe that's what I need to survive is to be numb to the world and sit back and just watch what I already know is going to happen) because the downfall of the bad people that we let rule over us has already started just watch the news and read the REAL news blogs not the ones that just tell lies to make money.
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Well if someone laced it with LSD then go after them. I would!
ReplyYou are at the beginning of an intellectual awakening. Keep researching with a skeptical eye. Don't allow anything to become a belief. Just keep an open mind. Research kundalini. Take some time to disconnect and just sit with your thoughts aka meditation. Check in with the real world every so often. And be kind to people, and you will stay healthy š
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