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So basically, I sometimes feel really shitty and I think I need to talk to someone, but I'm too much of a coward to approach my parents about it. I need help, I need reasons to counter the ones I've made up so I can actually talk to my parents about this.
Sometimes I feel like I've been deluding myself and thinking about suicide when it really doesn't apply to me at all. I'd never do it. It's a stupid thought experiment. There's nothing wrong and I need to stop being moody.
But then again, I feel like absolute complete trash. Sometimes I feel great and sometimes I don't. It takes cycles of a month, maybe two. I'll feel alright for a while, then I'll be tired, then I'll feel really horrible for a few weeks, then I'll get better. Then I forget and I think it's over. I think this has been going on for a few years and every time I feel bad it gets worse. At my worst I feel so horrible I don't even know I just can hardly stand it. And it isn't even any specific thoughts or anything, I just feel really really bad. I'm sick of it. I want it to stop.
Maybe I should talk to someone. It's the same with that. "Stop deluding yourself, you're fine", then "you're not fine, you feel like shit and it needs to stop", and "sure, but I don't think I could bring it up", and back to "this is ridiculous to even be thinking about". It's an endless loop of that in my head. Every time I start feeling down. Every time I feel bad.
But I don't think I could actually ask my parents to see someone. I don't think I could tell them I just really don't feel good. I could never tell them I kind of want to kill myself. Could I say I'm still cutting? I can't bring it up. And my other option is to just wait it out. And wait it out again. And again. And again. Each time it happens.
But sometimes I want to so bad. I just want to not feel like this because real talk I actually actually actually feel really bad. Like really bad. And there's no way I can fix it on my own. So I can either kill myself or get help. Or I can do neither and just keep living through it.
So should I talk to my parents and see if I can talk to someone? Or, the more pressing question: can I?
Or maybe I should just kill myself and stop wasting resources and time.
I wish I knew the answer. I think I'll probably be stricken by indecision, wait through my bad periods, and eventually get so bad that I actually kill myself and don't get to live to regret it. Because I'm sure I eventually would. And I don't know how I could choose that when I could literally get help.
I don't know. Please please help me out.
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First off don't call yourself a coward because you are not. Yes talk to your parents or anyone you think might be able to help. There are answers if we seek them and try. I hope you do and I hope things are so much better for you.
ReplyI could have time to talk to you. I'm willing to listen and understand. I just don't want anyone to go through what had people and ended up killing themselves.
ReplyI hope you've spoken to your parents by now. Maybe you feel more comfortable with one of them. Like I could never, ever tell my dad.
I had severe depression for a few years and it sounds like what you're going through. Many days the pain was unbearable, and I didn't know what to do and I was basically incapacitated.
I went to a therapist, for over a year, but I could not express myself there, and had panic attacks instead. Waiting it out helped me. I'm finally much better, and usually feel okay and even have many happy days. I honestly believe that God had something to do with my recovery, bc that's when it started getting better, when I started praying a lot.
Reply