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When you’re doing GCSEs it feels like the world will end the moment you put your pen down in that last exam. When the exams are your only end goal, it feels rational to assume that once they’re over everything will stop. The anxiety will stop. The nightmares will stop.
Nothing stops.
You’re left with this weird semi-emptiness where your mind is scattered like a thousand jigsaw pieces and you’re left alone in the aftermath to put yourself back together. But there isn’t time. There is no time to rebuild yourself because: Nothing. Has. Stopped. The future still claws it’s way towards you at a dizzying pace that you can’t ignore (no matter how hard you try). Swarms of people still surround you, continuing life in a way that confuses you and makes you feel so pathetic, like you’re drowning and nobody else can see.
“Why can’t I just be happy?”
“Why can’t I remember what I used to do when I had spare time?”
“Why do I feel so awful even now, when everything is over?”
You don’t want to keep feeling like this. But when there is nothing to do, the only thing to do is nothing. A summer holiday can’t fix what’s been broken if life doesn’t slow down; if you aren’t given time. That’s exactly what you want them to understand. You can’t just live like nothing happened. You’re burnt out, exhausted, a writhing ball of anxiety. You’re not doing it on purpose to upset them. You would change if you could but you don’t have the energy. You don’t have the time.
All you need is time. Time to live without being scrutinised, time to spend with no responsibilities, time to build the puzzle and find the pieces.
But that’s not how time works. And that’s not how life works.
So you just keep on going
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