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I went to breakfast with a friend this morning. We have one major thing in common: we are both divorced from men who decided we are not enough for them. For her, he up and left one day. For me, it was more complicated. My story begins here.
Have you ever used Pinterest as a source of expressing your emotions? I always look up quotes that I feel express my current mood and then hesitantly post them to Facebook only to regret it later. Pinterest doesn’t have an article or a quote that matches my situation. So I turned to Google. But Google let me down too, so I figured it’s time that the world comes out with an article about this dreadful, painful, and humiliating topic.
My husband had a baby with his mistress.
I saw the warning signs – heck, I saw the bra and night shirt stuck between my bed and the wall. They weren’t mine, even though my husband claimed they were. If they weren’t mine, he said, they must be his friend’s girlfriend’s because they spent the night in my bed one night when I was not there. He said I could call the friend to confirm. If you’re anything like me, there are so many things that did not add up with that one small detail. Did she walk out the next day without a shirt or bra on? After all, they hadn’t planned on spending the night, so where did the night shirt come from anyway? I knew I was being lied to, and there was so much more to the story.
So many other things had been happening – my razor in the shower was moved, our pictures had been taken down from around the house, and he was working more overtime than the money that was accounted for on the paychecks he hid from me. Mysterious bottles of liquor were empty in the cabinets. Secret bank accounts were discovered. Women, and more women, were coming out about their experiences with my husband.
You know, it’s funny how much emphasis we put on our careers and our material possessions, only to find out how little they mean when you are at the loneliest point in your life.
Two years later, I see her. I see his baby. I see the baby that looks like my then-husband and the baby that looks identical to the one I thought I would someday have with him. I see the baby in the pool with the mom and my ex-sister-in-law’s baby. The sister who hated me because I wasn’t pretty enough. They’re in Grandma’s pool – I guess the baby and his mom are family now, even though she is married to someone else.
How could someone so confidently break up a marriage and then get married herself? You may have first thought she married my husband, but she didn’t. She has her own. She was a single woman when she broke up my marriage, but now she is raising my ex-husband’s child all while she is married to someone else. That someone has HIS name on the birth certificate while she’s bringing her baby to my ex-husband’s grandma’s house. It is a miracle if you’re still following me.
Does he know? Every ounce of me wants to warn him of the background story as I wish someone had warned me. There were so many people that knew things, but no one said a word to me. Will his world crumble into nothing in a few years when he finds out he is not the father of the baby? When he realizes his wife is secretly part of a whole new family and is spending time with her ex-lover at the risk of the well-being of the child?
I looked at that picture, the one of the babies in the pool, and I crushed. Two years later, my world stops spinning when I see that innocent baby and wonder if he will ever know that he is the result of an affair. I hope and pray that he can live a wonderful and blessed life without knowing his mom conceived him in another woman’s house, in another woman’s bed, with another woman’s husband.
How is it that the family that was so rude to me and was so against helping me save my marriage when I begged is now so open to this woman and her child? She smiles and plays with the babies, one of which was my niece. She swims in the pool that my husband and I swam in at his 16th birthday party. She pulls in the driveway of the house that I made a home and lays her baby down on the couch that I bought.
By divorcing my husband I was able to remove myself from this toxic situation, but not without first beating myself up. I don’t believe in divorce. I married him for better or for worse and I meant my words. There are exceptions to this in the Bible, and I found my exception and left.
I felt so unworthy. How could this woman who was still practically a child at the time replace me? I had a career, I took care of my husband, I went to church, I prayed with him every day…but I wasn’t her. I wasn’t enough. I would be lying to you if I told you I never look her up on Facebook and feel unworthy. I do. But God’s word says differently.
Matthew 6:26 “Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?”
When I feel down on myself, God says I am loved. When I am lost in my past trauma, God says I am worthy. When I cry for the love I had for my husband, God says I am enough.
Let’s put this into perspective. This young girl got her young life ripped away from her. She will continue college without having the freedom to go out and enjoy herself with her friends without other responsibilities weighing her down. She was lied to and under the impression that I was not in the picture, and she believed it. Now she has an 18-year sentence with my husband and this precious child is involved.
Now considered my ex-husband. His world has flipped. He has a baby to take care of, secretly or not-secretly, and no money to catch up on anything. He is depressed. He lost God somewhere along the way. He is confused.
When the time comes, they will be judged for their actions. I, however, am not the judge. God has richly blessed me in my healing process, and though I will forever be saddened by this, I know I have a brighter future ahead.
No matter what situation you are coming from, please know that you are loved. You are worthy. You are enough.
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