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I feel like I'm all around the place lately. Little pieces of me are scattered everywhere and I don't know how to keep it together. Depression does this to a person. Living with it is a constant battle with yourself. I suck at that for a long while. I can't stop my feelings. One moment I'm trying to hold on, making new plans, setting up new goals, telling myself all those self-recovery stuff for motivation. And then, I crash. I crash so hard that I take a knife and try to destroy my own hand's palm. Sometimes I feel like I'm punishing my father who acts like doesn't give a damn about me. But sometimes I just want to do it. I don't want to stop myself. I just like seeing it. Maybe it is a sort of punishment to myself. My solution for not to commit suicide one more day.. It is scary. I wanna remember how it was to feel alive again. I just wanna go on, but I have no idea how or why I should keep going.
I am so damn tired.
I am tired of living with myself.
I wish I could dissolve into thin air with nothing but black ashes left of me, reminding to Earth that a "me" tried to survive the life it offered, and failed..
I wish I could escape from everything.
I wish I wouldn't feel a damn thing.
I wish I was gone already..
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I hear you, luv. Its really hard being here in this life, for some of us. Others seem to be okay, and not have any issues with it all, and I wish I knew what that was like. You seem to be in the same boat as me, and its been excruciating and I know it is for you too, from what you've expressed and I'm so very sorry.
I truly hope things get better for you and that you'll decide to live no matter what, because you are that strong. I was in such a dark place for years and made attempts to end it, and many plans to end it, which fortunately fell through. I thank God continuously for NOT letting me end it, and for not giving up on me, and that I'm still here now, years later. If you don't know God/Jesus, I hope you will decide to seek him. My life is much better now, with hope and a new perspective. You're in my prayers, luv.
ReplyI forgot to log in for that reply above, but I wanted to say that if you need or want to talk, I'm here for you. All the best!
ReplyThank you. Lots of people share their stories on how grateful they feel about still hanging around. A part of me knows I'm too much of a coward to take that road anyway (I also believe in God and just want to see what life has for me), but I don't know how to cope with all of this. And I'm really stuck. I hope it can get better for me like you. Thank you so much for your kindness again :)
ReplyThanks for your kindness back. I still have some depression, and hope God will heal it some day. But I have way more good days than in the past. I wish I knew of some other way of coping that I could tell you. I had a friend who did EMDR through a therapist and she said it helped her more than anything with her trauma. I'll be praying for you, that God will give you strength to cope. Sending you a big hug.
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