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i feel so alone. i have literally no one. its a weird realisation to come to, but i've come to it.
my two best friends are arguably closer to eachother than they are to me, and since its the summer, i'm not even seeing them. they're going out once or twice a week, not to see each other specifically, but for a mutual hobby we all have (which i should be doing too) but i can't pull myself out of my house long enough to join them. neither of them have checked up on me, but i guess that's expected considering it's not like i've gone complete radio silence on our group chats and things. i have a massive, crippling fear that one of them is going to kill themselves and here's the thing - i go full silence on our chats (which is honestly what i want to do) and then they will check up on me. which sounds great, but they're both in their own dark places right now. and they both have massive guilt complexes (expecially friend1, who's borderline suicidal rn) so if i open up to them about this, they're gonna blame themselves and that's gonna push them into a darker place - possibly to suicide. alternatively, if i distance myself from them, they're gonna turn that against themselves and be like 'oh no she hates me im so awful why doesn't she want to be friends with me' and also fall into a darker place. i feel trapped. so i can't go either directions. but if i stay in the same place, they've got their own problems so their getting worse anyway. i can't reach out to them because it strikes such fucking fear into me to be dealing with that kinda stuff with them and it always makes my mental health significantly worse. so what can i do? nothing, except fucking kill myself because i feel like im running out of time before something awful happens and i can't stop it. im so, so, so, so scared.
my other friends aren't even close to being close enough for me to open up with this shit.
it's kinda funny, really. i'm always complimented on how likeable i am, and people tell me that they never met anyone who doesn't like me. it's funny how i still feel so fucking alone every hour of every day.
my mum's a fucking hardcore alcoholic who couldn't give a shit about me and cares more for my older brother. he's the only one who can get her to calm down if she's been on the drink all day, but he's going off to university in september. my dad's the only person i really trust, but he's borderline abusive and he's gotten diagnosed with diabetes so he's getting worse, and he'll probably die soon too. im so, so, so scared about the people around me dying. im running out of time, again and again and again. and there's no one i can tell. except my counsellor, i guess, but she's not gonna see me until september, and who knows if i can last that long?? im so so tired all the time. i just wanna feel better again. and not scared and safe and secure and like someone's there for me. im just a kid, im not old enough to deal with this shit. my school called social services on my family because of what i told my counsellor (she said it was policy that she had to pass it on and that she was sorry - i don't blame her at all but i wish she didn't have to) and now it's like everythings shifted in my family dynamic and it's all my fault. its constant meetings with the head of pastoral care/ student welfare and with my counsellor and with my head of year and with David from The Council and its so much fucking pressure and im running out of time before september comes and everything changes. its like im holding the world on my shoulders. im so scared and tired and i want it all to stop.
next year im going into like proper exam exams so there's no time to mess around, no time to relax, no time for David from The Council to schedule on-and-off meetings with me.
sometimes i feel like i have to kill myself this summer. like im running out of time and im gonna be locked in this position if i don't do something NOW, you know????
i wanna be able to be a kid again and live the childhood i never could, run into my parents arms and cry about all my problems and have them comfort me and wrap me up in a warm hug. but my mums emotionally unavailable and my dad has his own problems. i think i want them most of all. i think if i had loving parents that loved me and that were always there to talk to me and comfort me then i wouldn't be so lonely. but i dont. i dont have them, and i don't have my friends. i have no one. i just wanna feel safe and secure and like someones always there to protect me and like someones always gonna be to give me a warm hug and listen to me. i wanna be someones number 1, but im not. and saying that im upset because im not someones first priority is kinda selfish lets not lie, but i just want it so so bad. im scared and im alone and im so so tired and i mean is it really so much to ask??? but im not here to lament about how unfair life and that kinda self-pity shit, even though thats kinda definitely what im doing now. but i wanna focus on me, not on how 'oh boohoo poor me everyone else has it better :(', because honestly really who even knows that. i wanna focus on me and how im feeling. and let me tell you, im feeling shit. im feeling scared and im feeling lonely and im feeling tired and im feeling alone and you know what?? im feeling young. im 15 but i feel like i wanna be fucking toddler. i wanna have the ability to crawl into my mothers lap and be sung to sleep. i wanna be 15 and just fucking melt away. i wanna disintegrate into dust and be no more. i wanna chug bleach or hang myself and die.
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oh wow, I feel heartbroken for you, reading about your life right now. You have to know it won't always be like this and there's a whole world out there, so far away from what you're dealing with right now, and someday you'll be out of this situation and ending your life isn't the answer. You're strong enough to power through this and get to the other side. I'm here for you and I mean that, if you ever want to talk.
I don't think you should get any closer to your friends right now, who are in such a dark place, as it's contagious. It's not your fault that CPS was called on your family. You didn't know that would happen and don't blame yourself for the change in your family. I'm so sorry your mom is drinking so much and isn't emotionally available for you and I'm so sorry about your dad. I truly believe that someday you'll be someone's number one.
I have similar issues as you do, as my family is dying off and my mother isn't emotionally available and I'm totally alone, but I've become fine with it and even happy with it. I don't know if you believe in God, but it's because of finding him and reading his word and talking to him every day, that I'm able to cope and have hope. I'll be praying for you.
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