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I always grew up hearing about sexual abuse and molestation and rape and stuff. And i learned at a very young age that when you have too traumatic of an experience as a young child, you repress this memory but then it can come back when you grow older like as an adult.. And i got so high the other night, that I started hallucinating of being raped. The crazy part is that I knew i was going insane and yet i couldn't stop the feelings. Knowing it wasn't real but still stuck between what WAS and WASN'T real.
The only real feeling was the actual rape, but even at that, i kept trying to "leave my body" so i had to look up things like "how to know if you're repressing memories" or "how to know if you were molested as a child", things like that. It said a lot but most sound like me. Hating certain people, having anxiety and or social anxiety about everything, feeling like you can never grow up or other people telling you that you still act like a child, feeling insecure, bad relationships, sexual tension, excessive masturbation as a child, being into darker fantasies growing up like pretending to be raped, etc.
This was all me! Even it said that some people "leave their bodies" during rape. I'm 21 now (female, bisexual) and I always hated and distrusted every man i saw, even though rationally i know deep down that they are not all the same. That they're not all out to hurt me. But without proof, i just don't know what to believe. Am i to trust these feelings, or did i seriously just lose it and then become one of those people who researches the heck out something & believes it because "the internet said so"?
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You've lost it. I read your entry yesterday, and honestly, it was a hallucinogenic drug. It can make you do crazy things. If someone had to hold you down or stop you from doing something stupid, your mind would take that and make it seem like they were doing something else. You can look up stories online of this happening. It's not uncommon. Trust me, if you had been raped yesterday you would know. You would be sore down there, and you would have bruises or scratch marks, something to show that you were held down as you "struggled". You would know that something penetrated you.
ReplyBtw, rape fantasies are very common, it's a form of BDSM that people find sexually appealing, losing control and being taken over. Excessive masturbation? You mean teenage hormones? A high sex drive as a teenager is not uncommon at all.
ReplyNo as a child. I masturbated a LOT since as far back as i remember.. even in kindergarten i remember that 😬
ReplyDon't worry honey. I am sure you don't have any repressed memory and such. Just a little too much thinking about the topic of rape and molestation and too much drugs/weed. Take it easy on the latter.
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