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You ever felt so alone that you could just kill yourself and it’ll be okay because everyone is too busy to realize that you were ever left. Its 2019 and it has been eight years since I’ve fell back into this depressive episode. I’ve learned in health classes and psychology for someone to be considered depressed, they have to have episodes and this can vary from weeks to months so that’s why people never know if you’re just going through it or you’re actually clinically sick. for a while I wanted to believe that I was just going through it that school has stressed me out like any other college student. Idk if Im depressed or not and I really don’t wanna ask anyone else. I may need help and I may need some psychiatrist or whatever the right person is but thats so much money. To pay someone thousands of dollars to listen to me because I couldn’t find someone to care enough. This sounds so cliche and I really dont want to be a patient of anyone. Ive written so many letters addressed to all my friends and family so that they dont feel bad that I killed myself. im a Catholic and even though I barely believe in anything too deep into it, I know I need something to believe in to keep me sane and because science can’t explain everything and I actually do truly believe that there is a God out there. I say I dont have a strong faith or I’m not THAT religious but honestly it is the only reason why I haven’t killed myself. I believe in heaven and hell. but everyday I am growing closer and closer to not caring. Because what if- what if it isn’t real then I could’ve just ended my misery a long time ago. You know I think whenever im in a happy state of mind that wow good thing I didn’t kill myself, otherwise I wouldn’t have experienced this. Life is hard, I get it. It is still survival of the fittest, it is just not as straightforward as having the muscle to hunt or the brains to survive the weather. Now its about how strong ur mental capacity is. could u handle all the death, misery, and bad things that happen in this world or are you weak. Life isn’t hard. the people we meet are. No one is ever raised the same and everyone thinks the way they were raised was the best. But this is it. dont know how you will react to this. Dont worry, I won’t kill myself. I would say promise but I dont do those bc people just get hurt.
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I know that you're catholic, but have you tried going to a church of a different denomination? I used to be catholic but it just wasn't doing it for me so I branched out a bit. I found a new church home and there I learned so much that has helped me in so many ways. God cares about you and loves you so deeply. The last thing that He wants is for you to feel like this. please think about trying somewhere new... it might be worth it.
Replyi promise you that im not religious at all and i only mentioned about being catholic because believing in God was the only reason that stopped me. so trying another thing really wont help idk im not the type to find God out there and then end up preaching his beliefs, im just depressed.
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