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So I try to reply to as many people as I can on here. It may not seem that way as I had been gone for a week and have spent this week trying to catch up with all the posts I missed. Its daunting trying to keep that same positive energy and drive in every response.
I have come to the realization that this is more terrifying than I thought it was. There's many reasons I think this but I'll try to be as quick and concise as I can.
My first fear is how effective my response is. A lot of times I will come across a post about suicide and my anxiety goes into over drive. The first thought I get is that I wont say what they want to hear, that instead I'll just repeat what they've been hearing. Usually I tell myself to skip the post because someone better equipped will do more than I ever could. But than I get scared because what if this is serious enough that it needs an immediate response. What if I was the one who could've stopped someone from ending it and I instead skip over? So I'll reply.
My second fear is that it will be about something I cant relate to. I come across a lot of suicide posts where the person has experienced something I have no clue about, so I wont say anything they care to hear. I get scared that my lack of understanding their plight will prevent me from making any real response. That I will be forced to just say positive crap in Hope's that something gets through.
My biggest fear is the fear that I might not even help the situation and instead make the situation worse. What scares the absolute shit out of me is picking out every word I say carefully because I have so much anxiety that I will say the wrong thing and that will be it, I wont hear from this person and it will be on me.
I sweat and my hands shake and I cant breathe because I'm so scared of screwing up. If I say the wrong thing that's it, if i say nothing at all that's it. My only option is to say everything perfectly.
Replying to someone who thinks about killing themselves scares me more than I thought it would. I tell myself the anxiety will go away if i just ignore those kind of posts but there's a lot of posts on here that are left on read. No replys, just a lot of passerbys. It's even worse because what if that person who hasn't mentioned anything about suicide is sitting on the edge, waiting for that last straw. What if they make a post just reaching out to us and no one responds? What if that was all it took?
Doing this is really difficult, but I want to help. I guess I just needed to vent.
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I'm working on a comment right now that is taking waaay longer than I thought so I just copied and pasted it to my notes to continue with right now but I am still here for you. Just it may take me another few hours or less π π please hold lol
Um in the meantime, if it helps, could you please consider my post that is NOT about suicide? So that you can maybe take a break from that stuff π Totally up to you though. Just know that. I hear you and I know what you're going through. Like I get it completely, but tbh I promise I won't feel so bad if you don't do this one. You don't have to feel obligated AT ALL okay?
It's completely up to you ^-^ just to pass the time, ya' know? Here:
https://novni.com/letters/read/181677/i-need-help-asap-please
ReplyHey, there! So, I completely understand youβre situation because Iβm like that too. I get anxiety and I tend to overthink. If I pass by something I have second thoughts, feel guilty, start thinking no one else will reply, then itβs worth a shot. The first thing I always remind myself is to be honest. We canβt lie to them because letβs be honest, lying will only hurt them. Maybe they need a reality check? At that same time, I give them the sense of understanding and support whilst still being real about my opinions. Lastly, I top it off with advice and end it with encouraging support. Just remember, all you can do is really try because this is a website. I donβt mean that in any cheesy way except true. (Also! Donβt forget to clarify your finishing statement.) If they choose to take your advice, great you helped someone! If not, hey you tried and itβs on them. Best of luck and hope it gets better. (:
ReplyExcellent advice! <3 can you also consider my comment above yours? Same applies though, like I really don't mind if you don't get to it or don't want to do it or whatever π no biggie on my part. But since we're talking honest opinions, I just prefer acknowledgments at least, like even just a "Sorry I can't get to it" or a "Sure thing" works for me.
And I swear I'm not a mean person, it's all good regardless π
ReplyOkaaay it's done! :D apologies in advanced, i may as well have sent you a book titled "SleepyBanana's serious book" lol..... I'll paste it in separate post right below ππ
ReplyVenting helps, I understand.
Look, I was suicidal once... and let me tell you, that sh*t was (very much ironically, now that I think about it,) the beginning of something new in my life. I mean the whole thing in itself was just life-changing really. It makes me who I am today. I'll try to be as brief as I can because it's one heck of a story so it'll be long regardless how hard I try.
Anyway, since birth really, I've been messed up. You'll laugh at the first thing I say here because well.. I was a constipated baby xD I'll also try to keep the timeline in order but the way the world works is just weird, and I think you know what I mean. I love psychology now, at the age of 21. And this is BECAUSE of the life I lived. So when I get all crazy about analogies and "hidden meanings" (whether it be in our dreams or real life), I really mean it lol I wanna say right here at the beginning that I know not everyone believes in all the same stuff I do, and that's okay cuz we're all different, no right or wrong. But personally, metaphors and whatnot are a big deal for me. So now back to the constipated baby that I was. Yeah I'm not gunu lie, especially since we're strangers, the whole constipation thing never went away for me π’ and therefore this means that I have stomach problems, which symbolically can mean that my instincts are so off. I've never been good with making accurate choices or knowing what the h*ll i was doing in life. Then again in reality, who does?
People with stomach problems are often people who bottle up thier emotions. Yeah that was me, and still can be, once in a while. Think of angry people with ulcers, or people who throw up a lot from eating their problems. I don't want to get off topic and into other theories (like hint hint* astrology/zodiac signs is a big one for me) but there IS a part of me that thinks we are who we are and can't change some things about ourselves because it's just built into our personalities. So it's in me sometimes to just hold back a bit, hey no one's perfect right? We all have our flaws but we have good qualities too everyone's got their ups and downs.
So before I even went to school yet, that's how young I was, I already felt like the kid that got left out. But i WAS the middle child, go figure. I recall hiding from people, all the time, just to wait and see if someone would come find me, care about me. I learned before this that we all die eventually. Imagine being that young and finding out though lol I didn't realize that "eventually" would normally take almost a hundred years for most of us. I probably didn't even know what "100" was.. So the whole existential thing became an issue for me almost immediately. Lets just skip to 3rd grade, age 8. You may have already heard my story a few times as I am also around here pretty frequently. But there's something new to learn (even for ME) everytime I post, comment or reply. When I was 8 i had my first crush on a boy, and he also turned out to be my first bully ever. The bullying lasted for seven years, by different people.
By 7th grade, age 12, I had my first crush on a girl. Guess what? My first girl bully too. I sure know how to pick em! Turns out I like bad people, which in terms of karmic cycles (like yin and yang, and the balancing thing) or even in terms of psychology, this is considered normal for an "innocent" person. Oh yeah I don't think being gay or any of that stuff should be a big deal. Like I'm glad my "people" have pride about it and everything, but it shouldn't have to have been a whole event the way it was. We should accept who people are regardless of anything. I mean think about it this way, straight people never had to come out to their parents about who they liked lol So that's the best way I'd sum up my opinion. Still though, I guess if you wanted to hear MY story personally, I always kinda knew I was bi (pansexuality is a possibility but I don't think I'd know unless I dated a trans so I just consider myself bisexual as of right now) but it took me until freshman year to finally just accept it so there's that. Okay moving on.
I coincidentally moved to a different highschool than the one where those kids would go. There was one year (my 5th grade, age 10) where I moved to this elementary school because my parents got into a nasty fight and my mom moved back with her mom, my grandma, so we went to that school. And so now that I was 14 my freshman year, she moved into my grandma's AGAIN by that same high school. I was actually really glad I went there anyway, because the bullying wasnt so bad in 5th grade, and I think i was mostly self conscious and prone to getting hurt more for it over there. Plus we were older now and people cared less to be immature that way. I was friends with some of these kids but still felt like crap from the previous stuff. So i was extremely depressed for a couple more years, that's two to be exact. Suicide was barely BECOMING a more common thing so not that many people great at their jobs yet when it came to a suicidal hotline. Yeah that's right, I called them up one time from running out of options. And I kid you not, never told anyone this one yet but she hung up on me after a while π€·ββοΈ
To this day I don't know if it was an accident or not. And although a depressed person is going to jump to conclusions like "she got bored of my long story so she obviously doesn't care" which I totally did think that btw π there is no evidence for what could be true. Of course it's still a possibility but even if I had the facts, none of that matters anymore. When I was 15, I tried to kill myself. Everything just kind of piled on, I was fat, I felt ugly, I felt lonely, I wanted to be experience something (ANYTHING) with a girl, I still to this day had only ever had one bf (at age 14) and he never even kissed me, he wanted to get straight to other things. Again there's just so much irony because I lost my virginity at 15, had sex with a couple other guys, I drank, smoked, cut, cried myself to sleep some nights, I had plenty of nightmares, it was just a very awful year, I'm sure there's other stuff I'm leaving out, even before amd after this age and year. But anyway, it was the year I decided to try and kill myself. This wasn't the first time I'd considered committing suicide; I thought about the year before, but again, too long of a story maybe some other time for someone else.. i promise you this has a good end, because I'm still here! (:
I always fantasized of a gun, it'd be much quicker and less painless. But believe me when I tell you that emotional pain really CAN dull your physical pain. Some people can literally go numb, and so my tolerance for physical pain had grown; or in other words I couldn't feel the cutting as much as before. So there it was, the switch blade i always used. I was so desperate to die that I was ready to just stab my stomach and bleed out already. Remember what I told you earlier about stomach problems and symbols or analogies/metaphors? I even cried more thinking about how the "fat" would go away, because I'd be gone. I remember thinking "If I'm dead, I won't be capable of thinking about it anymore". Here we go, the beginning of a meaningful life: I didn't go through with it, duh! I know right? Well I was in my mom's room because we had to share it with her at the time. No one was home so I held the knife to my stomach, couldn't feel anything yet, not even how cold it was.
I kind of rubbed it around at first just playing with the blade, not actually digging in yet, and then the tears wouldn't stop. They were just uncontrollably rolling down by this point, when suddenly those 15 ugly years of my life flashed before my eyes. It was still awful stuff that I was remembering. It really sucked.... until I saw more... I saw the future. I saw an impact, of what would happen if I DID go through with; mom and grandma rushing in, my siblings seeing me like that, in my own grandma's house, the tears, the sadness, the funeral. Only one part of my past that was actually good had appeared thereafter, and it was recent. Just right before I decided to do all this. It was my mom. My whole life (again, even to this day), my family didn't pay attention to me as much. But when I showed signs of depression, my mom messaged me if I was okay. She always wanted to talk with us if things were wrong. And even though she didn't know HOW to fix it, she at least knew something wasn't right. That's honestly enough. I started realizing, all this time, that they really do care. And that we don't all have the amswers, but we TRY. That's all that matters is that we try.
I may not know still what was going on that night that stopped me. I have many theories, like maybe it was just psychological and not spritual. Maybe something of "survival instincts" just clicked for me, and it became an obvious rationality. Or maybe it WAS spritual, or maybe both. Maybe it WAS god. But whatever the case, SOMETHING so suddenly told me deep down inside not to do it, not to go through with it. And I'm a very determined person. If I keep myind set on something, I'm going for it. So that was really weird O.o but it continued talking to me. Literally it was like I was telling myself in my mind (like how we all think to ourselves in our heads, normally in our same voice lol) but it wasn't really me, because I would never have said or even thought postive things like this when I was depressed. I was telling myself out of nowhere like "Just stop okay? Everythings gunu be okay, it's gunu be alright. If you'd just wait a little longer, good things could come to you. It's never too late, just wait. Just stop and wait a while okay?" All the while still crying, putting the knife away and pretending nothing ever happened.
That summer, I quit everything except getting high. It calms my anxieties sometimes π€·ββοΈ The next school year, junior year, age 16, I'm so sure of myself that I met the love of my life, my soulmate. And all this time I never believed in love or marriage, and certainly not soulmates π gosh that jinxy jinxy irony! Haha sorry I'm getting a tad bit cheesy. SHE actually liked me first, but is a very very shy and nervous person around me, and surprisingly me ONLY. So weird.. She's become the highlight of my life. She's way hotter than me, completely out of my league, though i am sure now that she thinks the same way. What? Lol she's this confident person that could have anyone and that isn't afraid to speak her mind, unless it's deeper and more personal thoughts.. So irony struck yet again when she couldn't even speak when I was around, fell silent so suddenly, fixing her hair quickly, right. in. front. of me. She would stare when I wasn't looking, a lot. She brought some sort of a confidence out of me. I am a critically analytical person so I consider every single little detail and start deep thinking and searching and REsearching everything's meaning, so best believe I looked up all this soulmate stuff xD
It felt so rare the feelings we had. And I didn't even notice that she liked me yet until after I started liking HER that I opened my eyes and thought back to all those times. Let me try to sum up again; basically we got separated for five years. It was hard again because I only saw her that one year and then the next summer was rough since 3 close ones passed away all in a month's time when I never had even experienced death before other than mine almost ): I had a slightly depressing senior year (nothing like before though), unable to find her and try to talk more with her, sitting in regret, asking around, all the way up until now, age 21, FINALLY found her social media, and we've talked more than before but still, that is a whole. other. story. I went to college without her, literally feeling empty, unreal. Oh did I mention that before? That she was the only person who made me feel real for once, ever since i was that lost child long ago? I found psychology at my university, and am currently minoring in it cuz, you're not gunu believe this, I'm a math major, planning to teach it one day lol
I learned that she doesn't define my happiness but that we could still build a happiness together one day, maybe. I learned more and more about the PSYCHOLOGY about love, even though there are so many different definitions out there, again no right or wrong. But this one so did sound like us, the intensity, the passion, the change it brings to us... Anywho, I've relapsed many times into suicidal thoughts and depression, sure. I may no longer know what my future holds but I will continue to try hard to build a good one. In a way, I was alone in saving myself, unless you wish to consider family, and that strange.. possibly spritual or maybe godly moment I had. In fact just recently I felt an existential crisis coming on, when I turned 21. But again, this is apparently common. And because I know all that I do now, thanks to psychology, I know it could've been a bit stronger for me than others, with a past like mine that I had. So it wasn't easy, but it lead me into finding her again. And who knows what's next? Not me lol anything can go down, maybe she's the one for me, maybe not. No matter what though, it'll aaall be okay (; THAT'S life... well, MY life anyway. I mean that's my life STORY, gosh.
The things we all have in common, are the simple, basic things; a life, a gender, a feeling, a problem, a solution. You get what I'm saying. It's when we get specific, into the indivuals' lives, that we find our very own COMBINATIONS come uniquely. THAT'S what makes us special, that is what makes us "different". We connect by having many flavors in common, by preferences and opinions. What IS right or wrong? What IS normal? Moral or immoral? Ya i took lots of philosophy too ππ but the reality is, we can't "save" them all. And I don't mean to sound a bit negative about it, but everything happens for a reason. I'm not saying "oh you're meant to die now or you're meant to kill yourself" no no no. I still couldn't quite explain it to you... best way is this; a bottle falls for a reason. Did god place that "accident" into your life so that your love of your life that you just met picks it up for you and you guys go from there? Is it all falling into place as it should because that's "just the way it is"? Or did it just fall because you dropped it? Because you are always clumsy? We can't prove the first one but that doesn't mean it's not true. That's what hope and faith is all about, simply believing. Not just having facts and evidence to back it up all the time. But maybe it's both.
If someone died tonight, it wouldn't be anyone's fault. Not ours, not theirs. Just remember what I said, that we must at least TRY, for that is all we can truly do. You and I are here for a reason, that part is a fact, a truth that can only go so far. "WHY?" Or "What IS this reason?" is what we don't get to know. But the unkown is not to be feared. It's actually an interesting space in our lives, it keeps that kiddish imagination inside of us, to get to keep thinking up whatever we want in order to fill the holes⨠You can't help a person until/unless they feel that they need help themselves. My biggest advice to another suicidal person is basically something like this, listen up: people care about you. Don't think that they/we don't. It doesn't matter if we are strangers, I don't give a sh*t about that. I still love you unconditionally, no matter what. If you really wanted to take your life today you could, and when I say nobody can stop you, that's because YOU chose that, not us. I don't mean it like "no one's stopping you" i mean it more like we physically CAN'T. But we WILL cry and feel your pain and be sad for you, because we f*cking care, always have and always will. Nobody WANTS something like this to happen, that's why we at least give an effort to try and help, but at the end of the day, it's still YOUR life, your body, your choices. You could do anything you want with it (which yes that includes ending it) but we'd VERY MUCH prefer it be something where you LIVE, because we love you. People love. and. care. about you.
I would always say something of that sort. But most importantly (and probably obviously) it's gotta something REAL and meaningful. Something that you really feel like saying to them. The very fact that you put an effort in it or even just caring is good as it is, that's a hero in MY book (: It's okay to take a break from Novni sometimes. Helping too much can be physically, mentally and emotionally draining. That's why we are ALL here; to help and take turns. Nobody is perfect but all that matters is that we try. And there are plenty others like you, with anxieties and fears, so don't feel alone. We're all in this together. Don't tell yourself that if you ignore a person's entry, no one else will comment, because everything works out the way it does, whatever that means. You just have to trust that it will be okay, always <3 Eveyone hurts at some point, that's how life is. If life were perfect, it would grow boring very fast. P.s. sorry for the long life story π¬π¬ and on that note, there's more if you find it interesting! π€£
https://novni.com/letters/read/172684/meet-the-middle-child-but-id-be-surprised-if-you-can-reach-the-end-spoiler-im-running-in-circles
Again, don't have to read any more if you don't want. I like to believe that my insight is somehow worth it in some way to someone out there, or something... but either way lol I hope seriously do hope that something in here helped you. Sorry for any typos and again sorry about the length, I've never been good at that (honestly feel like my comments get longer and longer π ). I tried, get it hehe Good luck with everything, all! β€πππππππ
ReplyI think if I had to give a reason as to why I feel the way I do, why I'm compelled to respond and read through everything on here is that it's like a window. Like this little glimpse into another persons life, a life you might never ever see or hear from again. It's like spilling a bunch of paint onto canvas at the same time.
I cant thank you enough and I doubt I can say thank you anymore genuinely than I already have. But I can try to explain why I cant stop saying thanks.
Reading about your life was so invigorating. Like I learned all about you. I felt your struggles and rooted for you to make it through, (even if that was all in the past) I could relate to the pain you felt. I was a teen in need at one point. I too struggled with my own personal demons. I always find myself looking for signs, metaphors, and the like in many aspects of my life. I consider myself a discount philosopher and I muse over life and all it has to offer.
We have a lot in common, but our lives are wholly different. You're an amazing person and I can tell you'll be the light for so many people whose lives you touch. You're so real and if I'm being honest, I didn't bawl my eyes out but I did cry and copy and paste your comment to my notes. Like it affected me on a very deep level and I think I'll always hold you in high regard. I cannot stress enough how amazing you are.
When I read someone's post, I like to think of it as a very reserved look into another's life. If they are happy posts, it's a pocket of sunshine. If it's sad, a pocket of rain. I get a certain kind of joy knowing that in a way I helped this person even if only a little. It's like trading time, they were a part of my life for a comment and hopefully I was a part of theirs.
With you, I got to see your life from start to present, not all the minute details and small moments, but the big picture with enough personal flair to make me feel welcome in that life. Your life. And for what? For express of letting me know that I'm not alone. You told me none of us are perfect and that we all hurt. I've heard that so many times and yet, the way you went about telling me was just. It was perfect.
I think I have a better grasp on things now. You couldn't have been more right in saying that we all have the same components of a life. The difference is the nuances, the subtle details and how we arrange them. We are all different. As I stated before, it's like dumping paint on a blank canvas. We all have the same colors, it's where the colors land that makes the difference. I like to think by interacting with others I get to add some of their colors to my canvas. So thank you. Again and again.
Sorry if this is all so corny lol I just haven't been so moved by text on a screen In so long. You're a blessing. I didn't mind the long comment one bit, it was such a joy to read through. I will read more thank you very much.
Hope all is well and right in your slice of life.
ReplyAaaw, SO very glad I could help you then! ^-^ You read me well, I feel like most people see me wrong, but again it's like the old cliche saying goes: you can't judge a book by it's cover. That's probably why we understand people better here on Novni; we dive straight into the books and their stories! (:
And it's just like how I was saying about the whole connection and compatibility thing; "we connect by having many flavors in common, by preferences and opinions." I feel like you and I would definitely get along in real life, because we share such a super similar perspective of life; when I perceive people's lives and this world around me, I've actually always seen it as a piece of paper with drawings on it .o. Like that was MY analogy that I always used. I like how your view is of a canvas with color though π and again mine can come off as depressing, but really it's just more of a dull or bland type of feel. I don't mind my boredom sometimes. I just like plain things. No joke, that's just my "flavor" xD
So many links here now... like how psychologists say that negative people can be a bit more realistic, and vice versa. Therefore I don't mean to sound so negative sometimes, but I often just know too much of truth π¬ another link is that deep thinkers, like those into philosophy and psychology, usually have a finer appreciation for art or are even some kind of artists themselves. Sooo, I'll bet you're into art like me, but perhaps painting in specific? Lol because I actually do love to draw π music is a beautiful thing as well, just saying hehe..
Also thanks, my slice of life is just okay π but it's like I said, idk I just kind of prefer it that way. I don't mind being an average human π (hence the math teacher I wish to one day become) lol I surprisingly like the "boring" that I am, and I don't see the term "just okay" as a and thing. It's more of just as like a whatever thing to me, ya' know?
Reply