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I'm not sure if I'm entirely ok. It's been 5 years since the last time I attempted suicide. I've had thoughts about hurting myself afterwards, but I haven't acted on them. I know I should move on since it's been 5 years, but it still haunts me. I'm not sure if I'll ever go back to being normal again. I've only had the urge to harm myself once this year, so I guess that's pretty good compared to the past few years. After my failed attempt, I've graduated high school, got a job and go to college now. I feel like things have really gotten better, but for some reason, I feel a kind of emptiness, like something's missing. A lot of the time I'm not sure how I should act or how I should feel, I've always felt like I was different compared to other people, but I feel so out of place now.
I've made some friends and it seems like they like me, but I have my doubts. Why would they like someone like me? It doesn't make any sense to me. Probably because I've had "friends" who used me in the past. They never liked me for who I was, they just wanted things from me, like money or a someone to her them out. I treated them so well and yet they didn't value me as a friend. Their actions made me lose faith in humanity. I have a hard time trusting people now.
I should be happy now that I have people in my life who appear to like me. I should be happy because I have a job and I'm getting a higher education. But why aren't I happy? Why do I still have this feeling of emptiness? I've come so far, done so many things I enjoyed, and yet, I feel so empty most of the time. The only thing keeping me sane is the mmo I play. Even though I'll probably never meet the other players on my screen, but knowing that they're there, makes me feel at ease. I'm usually too shy to talk to most of them, but hanging out in a crowded area in the game always makes me feel better. I've become dependent on a game to keep myself happy. Kinda sad really. But I guess it's way better than being an alcoholic like I was a few years ago.
I was so dependent on alcohol that I couldn't go a single day without drinking at least a few beers. I never tried and drugs since I thought that would be too dangerous, I stuck to alcohol and I'm glad I did. Drugs would've made things so much worse. I used to love drinking, but I've been clean for the past 4 years. It took a lot of work because I was completely cut off from drinking and I hated being sober, but I came to accept it over time.
I'd only told a few people this story because of how embarrassed and ashamed I was of myself. The second time I tried to take my own life, was because I was bullied. I was just a normal student, trying my best to get good grades, and some guy in my class just HAD to pick on me for no reason. Wasn't long before the whole class joined in. I started to skip school and eventually I started to get warnings for missing so many classes. My grades dropped and I started failing. I felt like an absolute failure. I let a class full of immature idiots ruin my life. But what was I to do? It was me against a whole class, and I felt so pathetic and helpless. I hated the things they said and did to me. They made fun of the way I talked because my English was better than theirs. They threw my belongings in the trash. They threw things at me, put things in my shirt and the main bully even forced me to touch his privates. I felt absolutely disgusted and violated. The teachers never bothered or did anything about it and I was too scared to complain in case the bullying got worse.
The last straw was the day they beat me. Not an actual beating with their fists, but with folded rolls of paper. I fought back a bit with my own sheet of paper, but I felt so helpless with them hitting me and laughing at me. Pathetic I know. I hate myself for not standing up to them properly. Things got even worse, that day. They threw my stuff in the trash again and I had to wait after class because I was the only one who hadn't finished my worksheet since they were taking turns picking on me. It was math, a class I struggled with too. The main bully laughed saying I shouldn't do any work since I was gonna fail anyways. I held my tears back as long as I could and they streamed out like a river when they left. At this point it was just me and the teacher in the class and she ignored my crying. The reason I cried so hard was not only because of the horrible treatment, but because I was straight A student since I was a kid, and this was the first time I was failing this badly. Realizing that fact made me feel broken.
I finished off the worksheet while crying, handed it to the teacher, put on my hoodie to cover my face and ran out. The teacher didn't care obviously. I went home trying to avoid people's gaze. Luckily no one cared that I was crying in public. I felt so embarrassed because I hadn't cried in public since I was a kid. On the way home, I texted a friend who knew about my suicidal urges. I told her that I couldn't take it anymore and that I was gonna kill myself. I told her to tell my mom that I loved her and all that. I was living alone at the time. Luckily my friend came over before I could entirely go through with it. She brought over all of our other friends and they stayed over till they were sure I was ok. Thanks friends, for being there for me.
The next morning I called my dad and told him everything. I was scared to tell my mom first because she used to very strict. I didn't wanna disappoint her by telling her about everything. My dad handled everything so well, told me to go see my mom and stuff since he was out of town. He called my mom and explained everything and made her calm down so she wasn't mad when I went to see her. Thanks dad. I know you'll probably never read this, but I was so glad to have you as a father that day.
We moved back to my hometown afterwards and my parents made me attend another school a week later. One week after I tried to kill myself? Really? But hey, I did end up graduating from this one and there was no bullying this time. But I was so broken I couldn't really make any friends or anything. Two years after I went to that school, after I graduated, I found out that my old bully had been killed in a shooting. He had walked into a bad side of town and acted tough. Good riddance. I know it's wrong to be happy about someone's death, but when you find out that the guy who picked on you daily, molested you and made you almost kill yourself, had been shot multiple times, you can't help but laugh out loud. What I hated about his death though was how everyone talked about what a good person he was while he was alive. He was freaking garbage and people praised him like he were some kind of god. I absolutely hated it. A horrible person is still horrible when they're dead.
Well that was a lot longer than I had expected. I got a lot more to vent, but I guess this is enough for now. I don't know if anyone would actually read this or how this site works, but I guess I do feel a teeny tiny bit better after writing all this.
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