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After carrying my partner for a decade, I had to let go. As time passed and my eagerness and pride to do it all vanished, so did my love for my marriage. What I used to do with love felt like a burden. It all became too much. I am officially divorced 10 months and I still grieve for the things that were lost. I miss sleeping next to someone. I miss making dinner for two. I miss someone else making noise in the house. But I don't miss him. I don't miss the loneliness I felt with him by my side. Small successes became ordinary and weren't celebrated. I don't miss wanting to leave the house because then I did not have to deal with the situation at home. I love being at home now. It feels like home to me. But it took me a while to get here. And I'm not totally here yet. I have days where I feel empty and seek out others so as not to feel lonely. I accept little in return for my time and attention. And then I realize I am not loving myself. I have to be self-aware and adjust my behavior. It's a daily struggle to remind myself to just be me. Take care of me. I took care of someone else for a very long time that I don't know how to be number one for myself. It feels selfish, but it isn't. I have no regrets about my decision, as time passes, I understand it more and more. I realize it was the best decision for both of us. I've learned that I cannot carry a person, I can only carry myself. Being an authentic and humble version of me is the only way to find peace.
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