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Dear Mother,
I don’t know exactly what to say. I wish I could tell you I’m alright. I feel like if you didn’t put so much pressure on me to be that way I might be closer to it. You act all peaceful and stuff but to me it feels degrading. Ever since I was little you weren’t a person to me you were my superhero. I think you have stepped down from that position. I think you wanted to. You let me down. I don’t know if you know how much that hurt me. You always acted to strong and I think that’s why it hurt so much. You didn’t have the guts to end things with dad before it went too far. I really don’t know if I’m going to make it in life. You make me feel so selfish that sometimes I can’t even look in the mirror. You act so innocent, like everything is okay. I feel like you’ve discounted my feelings and my experiences. I don’t think you realize while you could’ve walked away from dad and you still can I can never do that. I am trapped in this cycle and I’m jealous of the sympathy you receive while I lay on the short end. The hardest part for me right now is that you don’t feel like my mother. But I’ve gone through so much that I don’t remember who she is. This letter can not be formatted as nicely as mine to dad was but it still gets an important message across.
The time you stopped feeling like my mom. You stopped feeling like my mom when you made a decision that I felt disregarded David and I. That was something that was less noticeable before because it was never put into words but in this moment it was. It was when you knew what dad had done to me. You knew dad chose the fate of his accident. And you knew we needed a support system. You told us we were going to Colorado. That decision destroyed my confidence. Destroyed my friendships. Left me in need without a support system that cared for me. Not you but me. It left me in the dark. It left me at my lowest. And most importantly it tore my life apart. In the end Colorado didn’t count nor did it matter. You exposed us to danger. You left me crying on the floor breaking down that one night in my room. I was alone with no one to text yet again feeling so lonely and selfish. I was a child who had no one. Had to leave her friends to go to Colorado for her dad that chose his fate. I had no one. You stopped feeling like my mom because I didn’t have you. I don’t know if I ever had you and I think that is what made me forget. Your sympathy seemed inhuman in fact I was the only one who felt sorry for me. And I know that wasn’t right. YOU SHOULD'VE HUGGED ME. You should’ve continued being my mother. Just because we are getting older doesn’t mean you can let go because we NEVER had a dream childhood. I feel you left me alone in the time I needed you most.
I feel so disconnected to you and I don’t think we ever will have the relationship I thought we had. I hear your disappointment in me when I talk about how sad I am I don’t have a support system I feel like I’ve failed you. I now realize I had one that you got rid of in one decision. I’m so sorry but you dug the hole I’m buried in. You allowed dads abuse. You were cowardly mom you blamed your failing marriage on me. I want to forgive you but I’m not ready yet. I don’t know if the effects you AND dad had on me will ever resolve. I’m sorry I disappointed you. You make me feel like something is wrong with me but I think you need someone else to blame.
Mom here is what you’ve missed in my life. I’m going to state the event and why I won’t tell you. I was sexually assaulted. People grab my ass all the time. I won’t tell you because you say everyone has like it’s no big deal. You don’t try to protect me. Dad hit me because he thought it was fun. I won’t tell you this because you said well it’s legal. I am bi. I won’t tell you because you will think it’s weird and makes me feel once again uncomfortable in my own skin. I have been talking to guys. Guys call me pretty all the time and flirt with me. I have had sex talks with dudes because it comes up in conversation. I mess around with older boys. They are fun they treat me like a teenager I won’t say sorry for it. I don’t tell you because I don’t want you to have a dating life. I know that sounds controlling but 1. I don’t want you to get hurt and leave. 2. I don’t want you to let another man hurt me. I am mad at you because you hurt me and let dad hurt me. I won’t tell you because every time you don’t listen. You never listen. As much as you act like a saint you don’t listen for shit and will be the first to pass blame. I don’t feel like you accept me in your family. I feel kind of isolated because dads family blood is in me. I feel like everyone expects me to make the wrong move. I feel like people think badly of me for something I haven’t done. I feel like a prisoner in my own body because of the way you make me feel. Sometimes I feel like you tell me things just to piss me off. You use my emotions as a barrier. I feel like your more proud of David because he has people around him. I feel like you don’t give a shit about me. I feel like you broke me and my support system. I won’t tell you because you can’t fix it and I feel like you will push it onto me.
Mom I’m sorry for disappointing you but you did a lot worse to me. I don’t know if I can forgive you yet.
Love the girl who doesn’t feel like your daughter. Isabella
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Can you please delete this I didn’t mean to post it
ReplyIt is really stressing me out
ReplyYou can delete it yourself?
Reply