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i'm probably just going through hormonal problems, nothing serious... right?
4 years ago · 2 · sadness, +13
1108
so.
i'm not sure if people will read this, but i'm going to write this either way.
hi.
i'm a 13-year-old female, and i think i have depression, although i'm pretty sure i'm wrong.
i've been feeling down since around 2 years ago. it all began with some family events; a cheating parent, then a divorce, then a cancer diagnosis and will problems, and now my grades are dropping.
everyone around me says that i'm just exaggerating my sadness, but i can't help but cry sometimes.
i'll start from the beginning.
2010. the stable times.
my life was going well, everything was fine. my grades were perfect, my family loved me, and vice versa. i lived a good life in china.
i was doing well.
however, everything instantly disappeared when i received the bad news.
~ let's label some people in the story with random letters ~
one of my parents (J) had cheated on the other (Q), and they hid the fact that they did.
i was only a small kid back then, i didn't know about the idea of cheating, or relationships.
since i still was in china, i don't remember much of this part, but i do remember the times when J left our home early to go 'somewhere'. i didn't think of it much back then, but now i realised what an impact that would make on my life.
Q believed J that he wasn't doing anything that would break their relationship, and i thought that my parents were happy together.
2011. i migrated to australia.
through the year that had passed, Q found out that J had cheated. J pleaded Q for forgiveness, and Q gave J a second chance, believing that J wouldn't make a mistake again.
spoiler alert: J did.
i was still pretty young at the time, and i was struggling to learn english. Q was struggling to find a job and earned just enough to pay rent and my school fees.
life wasn't great, but i was content.
but then, J did it again.
J left the house for something, again.
even worse, J kicked us out of the house we were renting in (we could still live for a while until the contract ended, but that was only 3 months), which left us so little time to find a place to stay, and Q didn't have enough money at all. at this time, J lived somewhere else.
we managed to find a nice apartment, and we moved in. we had to pay a lot per month just for interest, but at least we lived somewhere. i was still struggling with school, and we had to cut back on other costs to pay for water, energy and gas.
2013. the divorce.
in september of 2013, Q and J divorced. Q had enough, and that was when everything began going downhill.
there was a girl in school who bullied me. she'd make fun of me for not knowing english, and she'd pinch me whenever she could. the teachers didn't notice any of it, because she was the teacher's pet, and when i finally told a teacher, they just brushed it off.
it got to the point where she'd say "come join us!" at lunch in front of a teacher and then kick me out when they left.
that had a significant impact on me, but i didn't admit it. Q would always tell me that being affected by an event like this was cowardly of one to do so, so i hid it inside.
2015. happiness.
i had left the school to go to another. it was great. i was finishing the year and i got to escape the terrible school. our financial situation was getting better and i felt euphoric.
2016. the fall.
the school was terrible. i was being bullied and singled out all the time, and i had a horrible teacher that only liked students from the school before.
plus, J was diagnosed with cancer.
i'm not sure if it was karma, or if it was just something that was bound to happen, but i felt sad. turns out J had another child with their new partner, and J wasn't going to give Q and i any of his inheritance. it was an early time to be thinking about wills, but it just happened to be in the conversations between my parents.
life was pretty tough.
2018. discovery.
i took a test and begun my secondary education. i was feeling realli down, but i slowly began loving myself.
well, a group helped me with that.
to be specific, BTS.
now, i'm sure you'll leave because i mentioned them, but hear me out. i won't speak about them for too long.
their message helped me to embrace my flaws and their story motivated me to do well.
but in Q's eyes, it was just me failing school and being distracted.
i slowly began to falter in the second half of the year. not because of BTS, but rather the stress i was under. in fact, BTS was the only thing that kept me going.
however, Q thought i was just fantasizing over (and i quote) 'feminine korean boys'.
i didn't protest. i didn't say anything. i couldn't. if i did, it was basically me asking to being hit. and that went on ever since 2011, so i knew that i couldn't say a word.
2019. disappointment.
slowly, i began doing worse in school. the verbal abuse i had gone through was insane. i was being called things such as 'b*tch', 'wh*re', 'ungrateful brat', 'cause of all problems', 'a disappointment to the family' and even 'a mistake'. and every time i tried to fight back, i was greeted with a smack on the face by Q.
i'd be insulted for crying, and i was forced not to make a sound at all.
there was one time that Q hit me so hard that i started bleeding through my nose. it wasn't a big problem, but now i flinch and start backing up every time someone tries to hit me, even if they're doing it jokingly.
i'm spending more time on my phone now, and Q blames me for socialising, then proceeds to tell me about how they did so well in school back then and how they had friends, while i didn't.
at this point, you're probably going to say 'but Q has their problems too!'.
yes, i know, it's not like i don't care. i've tried to help them as much as i could, but in the end Q just says, "you never help me with anything."
and that's the end.
the world doesn't really need me i guess.
i honestly wouldn't blame anyone if they hate me now, i called for it.
bye i guess.
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