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Yesterday was another day that I battled with my mind over suicide. I took a step and wrote my feelings on here and shared them with others for the first time in hopes I could get some feelings out and manage to make it through the rest of the day. It was really hard for me to say the things that I did. I don't share my life with people or even family. They only hurt me more when I do. On here, thinking I would be safe since I'm anonymous, a couple members reached out to comment. I was immediately defensive after reading the second comment left. I then became hurt and angry and started going right back down the road I was trying not to go. Why would someone be so rude? Am I misunderstanding them?? I really don't think so but for the sake of my mind I hope that I am. When someone is crying and hurting and seriously talking about wanting to end their life why would you tell them that they weren't raised right?? What does that even mean?? What does that have to do with wanting to die inside??? These are the reasons I hide from people and the world. These are the reasons I feel like killing myself. These are the reasons the walls that I build up around myself are so high even I can't break them down anymore. Who are you?? And what makes your life so special that you think you know everything?? Drama Queen? Really?? Thats what your saying is helpful in my situation? Telling me that I'm spoiled??? Again, really?? Apparently feeling alone and empty, unwanted, unliked, unlovable for who I am makes me entitled. Please, someone help me remove the damage that the sh*tty people of this world do to me. It just makes me want to die even more. Well done sir!!
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I felt this way on Thursday, came home to find out one of my childhood friends took her life that day. I was thinking it and she did it... I didn't tell anyone how I felt, I know people who threaten suicide for attention. I don't know that I'll ever be able to ask for help from the people closest to me because that's my fear. They'll just see it as drama. I feel for you and with you! Seek help if you need, even if you can't from the people close to you. I've never called a crisis line but I believe if the thoughts really start to overtake me, I will. For me, I don't want to stop living but I want all the pain to stop. The pain and anxiety that is in my head every second I'm awake. Sometimes I feel like death might be the only way to stop it and that's when I start weighing my options. I want to keep living, just somehow without the pain so for now I keep working on it. Hopefully someday we'll both feel a little more peace ♥️
Hugs to you
ReplyOh huni, that’s people for you. Some build you up, some knock you down. Don’t be put off by those that have nothing better to do than to troll sites like this and encourage people’s most intimate thoughts of suicide. Pity them. They have no soul. I hope you feel better soon and send a little strength to you to get you through today. X
ReplyThat sounds really frustrating. To open up like that and have people give cruel advice is extremely hurtful. It makes perfect sense why you would be upset.
It sounds like you are dealing with a ton of painful feelings right now. That is extremely difficult. Feeling those things is in no way a reflection of you doing a poor job. In fact I think it's the opposite. The first step to healing is usually feeling those hard and heavy emotions. By doing that you are being extremely brave.
I'm really similar in that I feel very alone and unwanted a lot of the time. But it definitely can get better. For me hearing those painful things brings me right back to when I had my "breakdown" shortly after I got married. I was finally with someone who I was supposed to feel loved by and a torrent of anxiety and despair came over me. I reached out to a counselor and began a long process of healing. I then found good friends, who would meet me for coffee or whatever and listen to me, and love on me right where I was at. It rarely ever felt safe in the moment, but over time I grew to learn that there were actually people in the world I could trust with my authentic self. I'm still in a process and struggling, but it has gotten a lot better.
You are doing an awesome job, I'm just really sorry that correlates with feeling awful (as an understatement) right now.
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