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You have heard of champagne tastes on a beer budget? I think I have the same problem, but it is more like "normal brain ambitions with a mentally ill mind"
The idea of ratcheting down, living at poverty level on disability (which is increasingly seeming the direction I might need to go) or taking a job that makes so little that I can only "get by" and still will have no retirement and be living in poverty when I turn 65 in 18 years...well, it doesn't appeal. I am really smart. I love solving problems. I could do a lot of jobs, but getting the skills to get those jobs is out of reach when you are both long in the tooth and mentally ill. I think my "time" has passed. I think my opportunities are gone. I think, in other words, I need to give up. And if I am giving up on all my dreams and desires, if the "solution" is to want nothing more than to work 8 hours at a boring job so I can come home to a single room where I cannot even afford to keep a pet, or to live in a community where I have to deal with interpersonal strife, or beg to be the unpaid nanny to someone who will give me free board in exchange for babysitting or cleaning...I mean...why? So I need to change all my desires and hopes and expect less for my life because it just isn't possible for me to obtain it. I should alter my perceptions, which takes work, to be satisfied with sitting alone in a room, maybe talking to my few friends on the phone, or going to the park (since I won't have money to go out to eat or movies or travel) with them, and spinning on my spinning wheel or knitting. This will be my only pleasure, and for this 8 hours at a job I abhor, or at least do not find stimulating.
This is what others do. I don't know how or why. If that is to be my lot in life, OF COURSE I want to kill myself. Why wouldn't I? If I have to change everything about my expectations to be satisfied with just living for the sake of living, then I really do not understand why I should want to go on? And yet millions do, and I am confused as to why they do?
Maybe instead of therapy, I need a lobotomy. Remove my will and self-consciousness. Reduce me to my lizard brain and dope me up. Put me in an institution. If life is so precious, then take away my ability to think, and then I won't experience anymore despair, because you have taken away my ability to feel beyond the base needs.
Why do people not understand the appeal of suicide in this instance?
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