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My environment is a torture chamber for me. I look at the world and I either want to hurt it or it hurts me. I've fought back but it doesn't seem to work. The world blames me for problems. And acts as if I shouldn't exist. It does me wrong and I'm tired of it. I want to teach it a lesson. But I often come to the conclusion that suicide is the answer. People say that it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But the problem seems permanent.
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It is quite long but I hope you read my reply because I do care about you, I was in your place 12 years ago. And I only got my real freedom by almost a year. I was and am always a trouble child, a family blacksheep, a run-a-way-from-home, a rebel student, an indiscipline worker, a crazy person who against society norm. My family can't accept who i am, school can't accept my ideas, society can't accept my thinking. I'm totally misunderstood but don't know how to defend myself. I understand that "hell" so well, everyday I intended to take the last bus after school because I didn't want to go home. I was bullied and abused at school, at home, even now at work. I felt the whole world hated me for who I am. I felt that bitterness, that frustration, that hatefulness, that pain and extreme isolation.. so many times I wanted to die. My ma wanted to put me in asylum instead of trying to understand why I was behave that way. It could all be solved just by asking me why and accept me for who i am, but none happened. People just want to understand what they want, not the truth, I learnt this the hard way. You know what, people like us will always be misunderstood because we are different, we don't bend to anyone's will, we do what we think is right in our heart and in our mind. If we die, society win, we will always be the loser as they always think we are. But if we live, we have a chance to fight for our own identity, to show this society how stupid they are. All battles couldn't win in one day, it is a very long process with a lot of pain, tears and courages along the line. The day I'm free is the day I decided that I don't care about anyone opinions anymore, only my opinion is important to me, because I'm the one who feel all this pain, not them, not their business. One day you will reach this freedom, take it day by day, cry all you want, write down all your angers and pain, do whatever ease your sadness. Don't harm others because it only caused more pain. To end is easy you know, but to continue is hard, really hard, but it will worth it in the end. I hope for you all the best in this world my dear unknown friend because you always deserve it. People are ignorant, they need more life time to understand what we already knew, so pity for them.
ReplySome people feel like you do. I sure do. Many people are busy and dont see us or dont care to see us. Suicide is painful for everyone. Suicide is a personal decision as you well know. The help offered for suicidal people is irrational in the US. Its based on funding rather than life support systems. i suggest you stay at it in this life and find a way to help someone else.
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