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I-IV
Over the period of 4 nights, I wrote something each time to express how I felt, my confusion, my newfound confidence, and everything in between. Although they tend to mirror themselves given that they are of identical nature, they each had their own little segment to tell. I wanted to piece them together to make one cohesive “song” or “rap” or what have you, but when laid side by side they slid into each other. When I looked at them put into this document, I could not tell them apart, so with minor revisions (1-4 lines worth), I have made it just a little bit more cohesive. Each section is marked, with 3 being the shortest, and you can read them as one or individually, up to you. Interpret these as you will, although they are pretty blatant and unoriginal as these were written by a confused 15-year-old on vacation at 2 am. Enjoy.
My journey has been relatively short
And I know as I write that it's too late to abort
And even though I fear I may be judged by my cohort
I know a life of secretary is not what I desire
And I know inside that I mus'ent run away from this fire
This burning fire of desire that I know I’ve felt prior
Hid it from myself and the world
Ran through head like it was a slur
The very thought of what I might be made me want to hurl
Ran from myself, almost 2 years, I even tried to hit on girls
Thought I would live a regular life, like a regular guy
Never another guy right beside my side
But this is who or who I have become, and I cannot run anymore...
I have hid for too long, not wanting to show the world more
Cracked jokes, but deep inside I knew that they were some I adored
A lifestyle I didn't choose but fell into
Something that will affect me for the remainder of my life that I can't choose
I'm an average guy, I try to get girls, both of which are still true
It's just there's desires for more, a conclusion that's takin me time to arrive to
Society for centuries has had everyone from truly embracing them self’s
We reject these alternative lifestyles from an early age
Taught what is normal, what to do and how to behave
Get a wife and have lots off offspring they say
Who knew that they're kids may turn out gay?
After all isn't that the teenage angst comming into play?
Defying adults, wanting to be different, meeting in the cafe
Taking him back to your place
And fucking him from Friday till Monday?
Then come home, and say "Mama, I'm gay"
Give your mama a hard attack, feels like a betray
She always figured it was because you weren't in a rush
But here you are telling her that all along it was a man, giving him a rush
Making you blush when he compliments your touch
In all truth, this is you, you are u able to change and unable to become what they want
You are what you are, you like is what you like
Everyone is different, some more open minded than others
So now here I am, barely acknowledging who I am myself
Not wanting to be something I am would else to a miserable life
I knew of a guy, mid 20's, brilliant, yet struggled with his sexuality so now he's an alcoholic who's been hospitalized and almost died
He's still fighting his battle, whether he figured it out I do not know, but what I do know is that I won't end up like that
Drinking a fifth every morning, drinking to get me through the day, to take the pain away
But at the end of the day, it takes years of your life away, and that's the price you pay
But if you unhappy it doesn't matter anyway, so why hide from what I know and that I can't change either way?
2)
The lines are blurred
I feel as though what I am is a slur
I'm caught up in the wirl, yet can imagine saying it in a different word
Because out of everything that I have heard, nothing can hurt me except for your words
I am not asking for understanding, for I don't fully understand myself
I'm simply asking for an acceptance, so that both our lives can move on
So I decided to write this song
I don’t want to sit here and wait all alone
Waiting for when I'm grown to finally come into my own
I feel that I've masked myself behind a myriad of jokes, but in every joke, there lies truth
Not wanting to see what I buried, constantly hiding from myself
Just waiting to get married, to forget and put upon a dusty shelf
Tried to always hint, took jokes further and further, only confused myself
But I've come to realized what I need to be truly happy, and part of that is telling you
Telling you this inescapable, incomprehensible truth
The truth that I have lived a lie, sat here like I was a booth, expecting the world to show a sign
But from that method I have resigned
I have re-aligned my expectations and reality to realize what I am
To fully comprehend why I am unhappy, and why I feel lost in my thoughts at night
To understand why I act the way I do sometimes, and think the thoughts I think
Knowing that they were different, I always pushed the truth out
But now I am truly the one who is out
Out roaming about, like any normal person, because at my core I am no different
I do regular things, but there's a side to me that certain people bring out in me
Maybe I'm confused and wrong, but that’s how it’s felt for years of my life
The last hundreds of internal tears that I wish I could shed if not for the paralyzing fear of what I knew and held near and dear
I will always keep this to a select few, knowing what reproductions could do
A life in fear is what I have lived as I bottled everything up, never telling anyone but you
If I could change you know I would, but I can't and won't. I've tried to avoid my urges for years but I can no longer contain.
So now here I am as vulnerable as I'll ever be, on my hands and knees, giving you this plea to accept me.
Whether you choose to, isn't really on me.
3)
I have lived a life of lies and have fought myself for years.
I cannot hold back anymore as I write these words.
I cry as I exposed myself to you and this world
To show what I am, which scares me constantly
But to suppress these feelings consistently?
An impossible feat for one to accomplish over a life time, for your unallowed to miss a beat.
You mess up and everything you have worked so hard for is revealed
Once these words are spoken, they cannot be repealed
Yet over time I have left clues in the lines
4)
Pictures laid in the ground pointing to a sign
Will you be kind?
Will you try to go and find, to find what I hide?
Searching for an answer, without any end in sight
Hinted while I bottled everything up inside waiting for someone to catch on
But I hid too well...
I lived a life I know wasn't mine.
Don't want to regret in the end
Nothing has changed on the outside
Yet everything changed in the inside
I'm scared of an unknown
In which I know I'm not alone
But this is the life I've chose
No, fuck that, this is the life I was thrown
Like a dog given a bone
One he can't resist,
One that gives him eternal bliss
While life just seems a-miss
The world looks the other way
No one willing to say
What’s been there since the first day
The words hit like a freight train
Tear you up and make you go insane
Drive you to the crane
Bring you to the Bay
Drink whilst your away
Forever away from yourself in hiding
Drink till the sun comes up
Drink till the drinks no longer fun
Till it all becomes a memory
One that you can down with Hennessey
Distance till the truth is the enemy
Don’t want to fill yourself with the devil's energy
The lies you tell to keep you...happy
A lifetime of hurt and deceit
Forget who you might be
Forget who you don't want to be
I want you to tell me, which version will you chose to be? Can you even choose, you hold one with such animosity? Sometimes the truth blends in so well, it disguises itself as the enemy.
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That's crazy deep for 15...well done.❤
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