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l deserve nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I feel this way everyday. I am a mental and physical mistake. Well, maybe God doesn't make mistakes....but I sure do. My mental state is the worst. Some days I want to live, and other days I try to strangle and cut myself. I am so confused with myself and trapped with my evil brain no matter how hard I try to escape it. I already feel like a lost cause....people who say it gets better......I don't feel like that is true for everyone. Things have just gotten worse and worse. I never thought I'd cut or actually experiment with suicide. I feel guilty for existing. So I had some really bad digestive health issues that cost a bunch of money and even now I am still sick...I blame myself for any money problems and arguments my parents have and can't bear to be a burden to others. Everyday though, I feel like I am just this heavy weight added to people's hearts no matter how hard I try to be good to them and not cause them any problems. I feel like I am a problem just by existing and would have killed myself by now if it would make the problems for everyone go away....but that isn't how it works sadly. This pain may slowly kill me anyways, as I starve to death with some type of eating disorder I have developed over the years on top of everything. This came along with a symptom of having parasites in me, but it never went away. Not like people think. I don't eat because I don't want to waste money on food for myself, I don't eat because I want to take up as little room as possible in this world. I don't eat so I will die a bit sooner, I don't eat because I am severely body dysmorphic, I don't eat because I deserve nothing, and I don't eat because my sickness is actually keeping me from eating too, but I don't even want to eat anyways. See I am so confused. Too hurt. Counseling couldn't fix me...no use in getting false hope from that. No one has to know about this. No one around me.....they shouldn't have to realize I am a lost cause. They shouldn't have to go through pain just because I do. They should not even love me, because I deserve nothing. I am sorry for how heavy this is. But I am having a breakdown right now and need to write. This keeps me safe. Thank you if you read all this. Really, thank you.
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i think you're a beautiful person.......... just a little lost............
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