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I'm tired of living. I don't want to be here anymore, I want to go home. But where is home? Even in my own house I feel I don't belong. In school, I never express how I truly feel. Since I was young, I've always learnt how to fit in and stay on the social ladder. Of course, that isn't my real personality but for me, this was and still is my survival technique. Every single day I pile on the guilt and hatred because I hate myself for doing this but I can't be myself. I've never shown my real self, not to my mum or my friends. I'm just a burden. I don't know when this started but over the past years I've become more aware of going outside. I hate it because I can feel everyone's eyes on me. Even when people are laughing casually I think they're laughing at me. I especially dislike meeting new people because I know the first thing they're going to think of when they meet me is: wow. She sure is ugly. I don't blame them. When I feel the stares, they don't have to say anything, because I know myself that I'm worthless and ugly. Recently I've started self harming. I did used to way back when I felt horrible ( I did it in my wrists then figured out that's too obvious so I did it on my hips ). I laid off it for a while but I've just gone back to square one. I never understood self harming, but now I do. It hurts. It really does. I do it to remind myself I'm nothing and just a burden. It helps my cope against stuff I overthink about. It's funny, huh? Ive wanted to die for a long time and I can't even try. I can't even do this right, what a coward. These months I've just lost all my strength to get back up and fight, I wonder if anyone else feels this way.
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As I am reading this one, it felt like you are writing my story. There was a day when I got really fed up and shutdown. They sent me to the psychiatrist but it didn't help and throughout those my mother who only knew yelling as a language she became physical towards me that my father have to hold her back. I'm really tired. I wanted to die but then they knew it and told me they don't have the money for my burial and their publicity around the place we're living in will be tainted if I killed myself. I feel like I'm trapped. For a very long time of trying to fit in and always follows what they want. I lost myself. And yes, I feel the same as what you're feeling right now.
ReplyYou must have it rough :( My mum also yells at me and sometimes hits me. I always feel I can't be myself around her and I also feel trapped by her rules, I have to do things a certain away
I'm so sick of it. Whenever she says I shouldn't have been born, I know I shouldn't have. Although this can't be compared to your situation, I hope your parents one day understand what your going through.
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