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You are amazing, and always have been. How do you understand me when no one else does? Your crystal blue eyes always sparkle as your infectious laugh dances in my ears. I can still hear your laugh in my dreams, and I struggle to hold onto the sweet infectious sound as I slowly open my eyes. Clawing and grasping at the remanence of sleep in hopes that I can close my eyes and hear your voice again. It’s night now and all of my friends are playing dress up or doing each-others hair, but the only place I want to be is on your familiar living room couch as we watch your favorite show, Survivor. Just like most nights I make my way over to your house and plop by your side on the couch and allow you to tickle the bottom of my feet. Poppy sits in the armchair beside us trying to figure out yet another game of Sudoku. The lamp’s light warms your face and I watch in admiration as you guess who is going to be voted off the island.
Years go by and you stand here next to me at my brother’s football game. A panicked look washes over your face and you quickly turn on your heel and recede into the crowd. Hours pass, and you still haven’t returned. Soon mom is pulling me away from the crowd and we be line to the car where you are waiting. There are stains on your shirt. Is that blood? Mom tells me not to look and get into the car. No one explains to me what has just happened, and they never will.
You leave to go to Florida like you do every winter, but I didn’t know that it was going to be different this time. They tell me to make sure that I talk to you as much as possible, I know why. Some texts seem scatterbrained and don’t make sense, but I play along. They say you won’t be coming home this time and I should talk to you while I still can. I ask you when you will be coming home just to see what your answer will be. Maybe if I ask you enough times you will change your mind and come sit on the couch with me one last time. They tell me that you are coming home but I don’t believe them. Could my masked pleas really have worked? Once again while my friends are all out at night I run over to your house to take my familiar place on the couch. I plop down and put my legs overtop of yours, so you can tickle my feet like you have so many nights before. The lamp’s light warms your face again as you push my legs off of yours, and you apologize. My simple touch hurts your now fragile body. As the days pass you don’t tickle my feet, laugh, eat, walk, or watch your favorite show. I am no longer allowed to go to your house at night. Soon I have to leave for camp like I do every summer, I don’t want to go. I tell you my plans for staying home for the summer expecting to see you smile at all the time we have to spend together now, but you don’t. You tell me that you want me to leave and don’t want me to miss my last summer at camp. I do as you wish because you always know what’s best.
This year you don’t take me to the airport before I depart for camp. I feel guilty for leaving but I know that it is what you wanted. I smile as my camp counselor passes out that week’s mail because it means that I can read your letters. They always make me laugh and I long to hear yours again. I am counting down the days until I get to sit beside you. Your letters keep coming until the last day of camp, and I try to mimic your beautiful signature. My mom and boyfriend pick me up from the airport with large smiles. The whole drive home I tell them about my adventures and they laugh. Only one more hour before I can hear yours again. We get to our exist and I ask if we can go to your house before we go home. Mom says no because it is too late. I take my luggage into my house and plan to put it in my room. With my hands full I open my door with my foot and throw my luggage down, not even noticing the box on my bed. Somehow, I already know, but I turn to my mom and ask her one simple question. When? She replies, and I am gutted. Those were not your letters. I was not copying your signature, and it was not your words that made me laugh. You were voted off the island the day after I left.
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