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I find myself thinking about my dead brother a lot. It upsets me at first, but then I think he's the lucky one. I don't tell anyone that sometimes at night I plan out how I could get up and sneak out of the house to kill myself somewhere that my family won't find me (especially not my wife). I think it's a bad sign that I don't cry anymore.
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It is hard when we lose the ones we love. It happened to me also when my mom died it has been 8 years. I thought maybe I will share my thoughts with you maybe you can find yourself there, if I say something wrong please pardon me. So when those thoughts crossed my mind, I would always think of how my mom always protected me, and she never wanted to see me hurt, she would always do the hard things for me just so that I can have it easier and I could not ruin that. Also I am a person that if others are hurt from my actions I would never forgive myself, I always tried to stay strong just because of my father and sister, I didnt want to see them suffer even more. huh sorry for writing this long about my problem, I hope you are going to be well, I also would feel what is it called 'numb' I guess, emotionless I would think about all the times spend with them but no tear no emotion and thats hard but recently I started viewing life in a different way, I surely miss my mom a looooott but I guess it is some trail for me to go through and that everybody will go through it sometimes in their life. sorry for writing to long
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