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Dear Dad
Growing up with you as my dad was hard, and at times it was excruciating.
You often told me stories of how your own father would beat you and your brother up, because that's what you did then - you hit your kids to straighten them out. You vowed to never do that to your kids.
And you haven't, but you forgot - It doesn't stop at hitting.
Most of my memories of you are tainted.
Most of my memories of you, are you screaming at me, threatening to hit me, belittling me, making me feel like I was worthless.
It forced me to learn how to defuse a situation, but I also learned, that I would never be assertive, you robbed me of the skill to handle conflicts.
When someone raises their voice, I feel a numbing sense of fear and it won't go away dad. I'm powerless.
I wonder if you remember the door. It's covered by jackets now, but beneath the jackets, is the chipped paint, from the time you banged on it so hard that your hand almost went through it.
I remember why I had locked myself in the bathroom - I didn't want to try on a pair of jeans, I felt like I was being forced, so I got mad. It was always bad when I got angry.
I have never been allowed to be angry, despite it being a normal emotion that everyone experiences. I'm never angry now. I'm good, right?
So many years later, I asked you why you treated me like this and I finally learned why I'm anxious, why I'm depressed, why I feel like a 5 year old child in an adult body.
"You had to learn who was in charge," and with that, you finally taught me that I will never be in charge.
Sincerely
The kid that still loves you
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