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I didnt know id go as far as finding some random app on google to post my feelings. I dont exactly have an out anymore, somewhere to rant. Im slowly losing my friends-whether its my choice or not, im scared to go to my family- or i just dont want to... And my boyfriend is sick of my ranting.
But i love to rant.
Maybe its because im ungrateful and bratty, because i like the comfort id recieve or just.. Feeling better.
I dont know why i decided to write a whole backstory to my rant. But fuck it. Theres no limits here right? .. The overthinker side of me thinks its an app to embarrass people. That it records your details and shows the world what a fucktart you are.
Im a mess.
Im so jealous all the time. Man. I love my boyfriend so much. Im so scared to lose him. I have trust issues because of my ex. And i just...
Im a shitty person.
So heres why im a jealous bitch. I mean, we get that im jealous, but a bitch, well, heres why.
My boyfriend and I made an agreement to remove our exes. The two that were toxic for us. His ex, cheated and got pregnant, mine, got bored of me, and came back and forth to use me for sex.. Which.. I was just dumb.
My boyfriends exs cousin contacted him saying his ex is in hospital with her baby because of a car accident. They havent woke up yet. He is a caring person, so he unblocked her and is waiting on a response to see if shes alive.
Im jealous. And this is why... When we first got together he compared me to her openly, it was fucked up at the start, even in sexual situations he would say "my ex would do this" even though.. I was so insecure. He was just trying to make me not i guess.. But in a fucked way. On top of that, being compared to this girl, who in his eyes is so perfect, despite her being unfaithful and literally having a baby and marrying a whole different guy... She, in his eyes, was so much better than me.
We got past this, but you can see why im insecure and jealous.
Naturally, i got mad. I cried. I didnt like that he unblocked her. "She could die" he said, and stupidly i said "I hope she does."
Whats scary about that is... Im serious. I generally want her to die. To minimise threat. No, i dont want to kill her, id never want to kill anybody. But.. Wanting her out of our lives forever isnt such a bad thing is it? I feel guilty for saying something as horrible as that.
But even worse for... Meaning it.
I really fucking mean it.
After a day full of tears and arguements he removed her again. Which relieved me. But. I feel shit.
I cant control this insecurity.
And i wouldve been fine with him having friends that are girls or even talking to his ex but.. My ex, he had a friend that was a girl, claimed to miss her, so i encouraged him to hang out with her, two weeks later hes left me for her.
On top of that, my boyfriends ex, before being blocked, used to say how she wants him, she still thinks of him as her "daddy" and told him a sex dream she had about them.. And he didnt get mad at her for it.
Like .. Im allowed to not want her around right? Like fuck.
I dont know. I dont know anymore.
I have to wake up so soon for work and i cant even sleep. ..
I love him so much but im so scared.
Fuck.
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