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I just want to understand.
I want to feel that promised peace but I cannot seem to find it.
My heart no longer fits together,
At my lowest, I sometimes fear that
Even God can’t fix it.
What happened?
Where did that light go?
How much longer can my faith hold?
And when that sorrow hits
Sometimes I stumble
And then tear myself apart even more
Because I fall into old mistakes again.
Fresh shame and
worthlessness
Washes over my already broken mind
Why would God help me heal
If I push Him away by my own carelessness?
I don’t deserve to feel peace
I never did.
I hate this.
I hate the lies I cannot escape
Because they live inside me.
I’m so tired.
Sometimes, I’m afraid
that I won’t stay strong enough
To keep going,
To walk through this excruciating stretch of life.
I call out to God
I know He must hear me
But I’ve forgotten how to hear Him
Or I’m too afraid to trust what I hear
Because I thought
I heard Him, then;
Before it all fell apart.
When it all hits again
When the wind is knocked
Out of my soul
When I dwell too long
In sad and shadowed paths of mind
,That used to breathe life into me,
I don’t want to be here anymore
I want to run away from this all
Or curl up within myself forever
To leave for someplace safe
Or, at least somewhere far enough away
That I would never have to feel again.
I don’t want to be here anymore.
I don’t want to be.
But I cannot go that way.
Because I need to stay.
I know I need to stay.
I know that the real me
The one unburdened by brokenness
Wants to stay.
To live.
So I will.
But,
If I could
I wish I could stay
In the warmth of last summer
When things were okay
And I thought that you might
have loved me
The way I loved you.
When I thought my friends
Would always stand with me
When I first learned
To really believe in myself
Before I lost hope
Tasting confidence
just to have it
Crushed as I froze,
helpless.
When will I stand again on sturdy feet?
When will I be able to face them with
That quiet happiness again?
What if I have lost
The ones I still treasure
So deeply
Because my heart has been
Too deeply broken
To trust again?
Grief is love
With nowhere to go
...I think CS Lewis said that...
Today a quote came to me
“Let go of what’s gone”
Oh, if I knew how
I would
Or would I?
You’ve been woven into life itself
How do I keep holding on
If I must let you go?
Oh, God,
I could use a miracle right now
Some balm in Gilliead
A new sense of clarity
A break in the storm
...it must be me
That is keeping myself from
peace
But what can I do
To let You in?
How do I trust
And believe in the good
When I don’t really know
what “good” looks like anymore?
why can’t I let go
Of the ones who built and broke
My heart?
Is that what I must do
Somehow let them go
Completely
So You can fix me?
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