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I may be using you as an escape from my emotional issues. Even after more than a year, I am thinking about you. I'm obsessing. It's unhealthy and creepy. I need to move on from you.
I don't want to move on. I never even spoke to you, but you inspired me and showed me the world of musical theatre. And you consistently tried to come up to me, even though I blanked out or just simply couldn't talk to you because of my anxiety. You were beautiful. This was the first time I felt something, the first time I felt liked. You saved me without knowing. Now I listen to musical soundtracks to cope with feelings. I joined musical theatre clubs and made myself a part of a community. I'm even considering working in a theatre in the future - not as an actor, of course, but there are technicians and marketing teams. I know that all of this can't just be you, but it started when I saw you and thought you are beautiful.
I think about the memories and imaginations of what-could-have-beens and it makes me happy. I don't have to think about the issues with my family or my own emotional incapabilities. But you are gone, and I will never see you anymore. It has been more than a year, you have moved on and forgotten. What's left in me is just obsession, and nothing healthy or pure.
I can't make myself move on. I can't try to be in a romantic relationship because I am thinking about you. I still imagine fake scenarios where we run into each other, and I am finally able to speak to you. I imagine a scenario a few years into the future, when I would be working for a theatre and you just magically happen to be an actor there. This is obsession, and I know that I have to move on, and that you would be creeped out if you knew about all of this.
But I don't want to accept it. My life got better when I first thought that you were beautiful. I finally had a hobby that I discovered on my own, I felt things, I felt accepted because of the attention you gave me. People say that this was just a mutual crush gone wrong because of my emotional issues; but I don't want to dismiss all of this as just that, because it had such a large impact on me. I don't want my feelings for you to be a result of a mental disorder, or the relations I built up in theatre clubs to be a result of an obsession.
I want to cry, I feel so pathetic. I didn't even talk to you. I couldn't. There's happiness, gratitude, and regret mixed into a huge blob- and it's too huge that I can't process it or come to peace with it.
I need to though. I need to understand that moving on is the best thing I can do for you. I don't want to. I just don't want to.
I thought that I have a lifetime to move on. Now I feel like I instead have a lifetime to grieve and obsess.
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