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My ex took me to a bar for me for us to hang out with his buddies. The problem is that I grew up with an abusive alcoholic father (who even drew a knife on us once when drunk and whom I had to call the cops on when he physically attacked and threatened to kill my mom when drunk) , so anyways, I hate even seeing alcohol because as a child whenever I saw alcohol, I knew bad things were going to happen. So it's a trigger for me and makes me feel nervous and bad around alcohol. It devastated my,childhood so much. Moreover, I had never been to a bar before. This bar in particular had wall-to-wall beer on each side and was extremely loud. I hated it, did not want to be there, and asked my ex if we can leave (his friends weren't there yet, we were waiting for them). He said "no, there's my friend's middle school friend over there, I want him to get to see his friend". And I'm like can't they see each other later? Why is that more important than the fact that I'm having a trauma response here? And My ex said "you need to be more tolerant. I have traumas too. Just because I almost drowned when I was 4 doesn't mean I avoid water. Besides, nobody is being violent here." And I'm like first, that can't be compared, for 20 years of my life, we were abused whenever there was alcohol. And he just kept telling me to be more tolerant and getting frustrated with me. I said "but don't you know my dad attacked my mom while drunk and almost killed us all? I've told you that before." and he's like "No, I didn't know that." But I told him it before, he just doesn't really listen. And then the whole time he still kept telling me to be more tolerant and get over it. And then his friends announced that they were at another place anyway, so we waited there for nothing. And then on the car ride over there, I was telling him about how upset I was, and he still didn't care, just telling me in a condescending voice to calm down and be more tolerant. And then later that night when I tried to talk about it again with him, he said "I know you, you exaggerate" No, I,don't! How could he say that to me, Especially about something so painful. I tried to forgive it and forget it, thinking maybe I was the problem somehow. But recently I got so angry about it and,brought it up to him, saying that I'm sick of his bullsht. He then again said that his opinion is the same, that I should have been more tolerant. So then I called him a coward. Then he said one more mean low things, and I cussed him out, broke up with him, and blocked him.
Was I right to get so upset?
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I'm sorry you had to go through that. I think every person has a right to feel however they feel and you did a great job in standing up for yourself and voicing your concerns and feelings in that situation. Especially when you are being specific about why you are uncomfortable something it is usually extra painful and upsetting when someone invalidates how you feel like your ex did. But just because one person or even 10 people say something about you, it doesn't mean they are right. Maybe in time, when you are ready you will be able to work on your trauma in a situation and with people you can trust and who you know will take care of you and respect your boundaries. Good luck on your journey :). I am sure you will get where you want to be when you are ready.
ReplyNo you were not right. Not in the least, but whatever. Enjoy being single forever. Nobody is going to want to put up with your constant "trauma responses." Your partners shouldn't be expected to be your therapists, handlers or coddlers. Sorry, but it's the truth. Not trying to be mean, but wow.
ReplyWhy wasn't she right? He should've been more considerate. Trauma is no joke.
Replywe all have some type of drama. i grew up with two abusive and alcoholic parents. but i fought to free myself from that trauma. theres a time when you need to accept it and move on.
ReplyAnd why are you assuming she has constant trauma responses? It's not asking for therapy to say "Hey, I don't feel comfortable in bars, can we leave please"
ReplyCan you explain more please? Are you the child of an alcoholic? Have you ever had to worry that your dad will get drunk and kill your mom? Have you ever been raged at by an alcoholic for years with no escape? Don't belittle her
ReplyActually I had to be in the 'therapist' role for him for years, supporting him through his drug addiction and unemployment. And this was the only trauma response I ever had in the relationship, the only time I flipped out on him. So I think you're making a lot of assumptions about me and the relationship. You're maybe equating it with college campus 'trigger warning' and 'safe space' culture, which is not the same thing at all. I experience strong physical symptoms, anxiety, and nausea when I'm surrounded by alcohol like that And unable to leave the situation (we were in a foreign country where I'm not fluent in the language but he is, so I didn't feel comfortable getting up and leaving by myself in the dark, especially when it's his car). -OP
ReplyWhy did you agree to go to the bar in the first place? There is a part of you who knows you were wrong or you wouldn't have asked if you were wrong.
ReplyI agreed to go to the bar because he said we would just be just meeting the friends there and then going to another place. I did not know we would be going inside the bar or waiting that long for them there. I would not have agreed if I had known. I thought it was going to be just a few minutes max. I would not have otherwise went. -OP
ReplyI asked if I was wrong because it was a reaction that is out of character for me, and because of how my ex treated me about it too. -OP
Replyhe shouldnt have treated you like that. he was in the wrong. but you need to gather some strength and some self will and move on.
ReplyLol you just assumed that she agreed to go to the bar and then make a fast conclusion about her, wow.
ReplyAnd I agree, that would have been ridiculous if I had agreed to the bar and then got mad. But I did not agree. I thought we were just meeting his friends there (like picking them up to go to another place or something). I should have clarified that in the original post, but it did not come to mind, so thanks for pointing it out. -OP
ReplyJudgmental, much?
Replyyou don't need some one who will not support you.
even for the smallest things.
try focusing how to cope with it before going to another relationship, maybe later on in life someone will fall in love with you for who you are
Replyi understand your feelings, but you need to get over it. im saying this with respect in my heart though. i grew up with two alcoholic and abusive parents. theres a time in your life when you need to just move on. stop being afraid. not everyone is your parents. i understand that he was in the wrong, but you kind of were too. he shouldve listened, but you should also get over it. its about time to move on with your life. dont let them haunt you forever.
Reply