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Somedays I feel like my anxiety is going to kill me. It's a feeling in the pit of my stomach that radiates through my chest. It makes me feel rotten, as if my flesh is going to disintegrate from the inside out. Sometimes I feel like there is a glitch in my brain. It's like when I was created someone decided I shouldn't be able to fully enjoy life, but constantly worry about the thoughts of others, the actions of others, and the spectre of death.
It tears me up sometimes to think that this is all I do. I want more from my life but I don't know what I want. It is like I shift through identities, ideas for what my future holds, in my mind but I can't find one that fits. A musician, a sex addict, a future lawyer, an actor, an athlete, a father, a loner, an introvert, a drug addict. What do I want? What does my future hold? How do I want to live, because I know I want to start living but the question is how?
Certain things help me writing, listening to music, singing, going for walks, socializing to a certain extent but it feels like whatever I do there is this underlying sadness in my being, that waxes and wanes, but is always present. It makes me feel crazy, but I know I'm not alone in my feelings. I hope one day it goes away, or I at least learn to control it and cope.
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I'm feeling the same way
ReplyI think you have several things going for you, knowing what helps. But it doesn't sound like its enough, that you still feel those negative feelings. I go through periods just like that, but less often than they used to.
The fact that you are asking yourself, "what do I want? who am I?" is amazing. Some people make no effort to try and understand who they are, or what they want from life. It's hard to build a roadmap to happiness and satisfaction without some kind of destination (even if you change that destination). Perhaps try with the "low hanging fruit", meaning things you know you want (or don't). Do you want to care about those around you? How do you build that? Do you want to have a healthy career? Do what you know will help (general education, people skills) in every career. And our identity doesn't have to be tied down. Who are you? You are who you are (to be redundant). If that person practices law, then technically you are a lawyer (or as the case may be), but truly life will change things for you anyway. Head straight to something you want and work for it. If you don't get there, you'll get somewhere you're content/happy with, since you were heading somewhere good.
But what you describe, knowing as you already know that many of us face those feeling, and throughout our lives doesn't always help. I have no instant fix, either for you or for me when I feel (maybe not exactly the same, but I understand it). The identity, "who do I want to be" is something that will resolve in time, given enough of it (though it's been a while for me :) If you can believe it will go away, then you may still experience sadness or anxiety, but that either just with time, or the many resources out there to help cope, to help build new neural pathways of thinking, than that belief will set you on a road to feeling better about life, about socializing, about who you are and who you want to be. Best of luck!
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