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Writting about my last 4 or 5 years, that I didn't told to anyone entirely.
5 months ago · · Stress,
I'm a 19 years old french female. I'm an art student, and I'm sorry if I make huge grammatical mistakes or mispellings. I decided to write this text because I'm feeling down again and I thought I had to write down everything I had been through for years, to find answers, maybe some help, some rassuring words from people... I don't really know, I just have to do this. I'm way better then I was now, it is mostly
a look I had to have on my past nd myself, but I wanted to share it. This story will be similar to a thousands of people but whatever.. If you read it, thanks.. a lot. It will warms my heart :) <3
I'm sorry if it is very long or not very well done, I can't resume or make it short..
First of all, I don't know it I have or ever really had depression. I've never been diagnosed but I've seeing a psychologist for about a month when I was in my third year of high school, it was in January 2018. I first started to feel down when I was in my last year of middle school. I had an exam to pass at the end and I felt overwhelmed really fast. It was hard, I had troubles with my parents, didn't communicate well with them tbh.
At this time, it was in 2014 2015, my mother was dealing with severe depression, suicidal thoughts. She had enough of her job and was in a bad state. My father was stressed out and also had enough of his job. It was hard for both of them, and I told myself I shouldn't feel bad. I wanted to talk about how I felt, but at the same time I couldn't. I was a mess but my parents were like that too. I thought that if I talked about my problems, it would affect them too much and I didn't want them to worry one more time, for me. I know parents put their problems aside when their child are feeling low, my mother told me that one time, but at 15, I didn't realize it.
As the time was passing by, I was hiding the fact that I was feeling really down when I entered high school, and high school was hard only because of my mental state. I always been an hard working person. No one in my family was putting a lot pressure on me, I've always put pressure on my shoulders because of an irrationnal fear of failure, I don't know where it coming from. I had and I have to do my best, and if I fail, it terrifies me.
What is also important , and I noticed that after a few years, is that these bad feelings came by periods. For like one, two or three months, I litterally felt like dying inside, feeling numb and not good enough and wanting to end everything, and one day I'll wake up and feeling good... for some days, or for a week or two. Then, it start to feel strange again, I feel bad but I think it won't last long. In the end, it last some days or even months. Longest have been 5 months. It depends, on the situation, and everything. It is so unpredictable it is unfair.
So, during highschool, I was feeling so numb everyday, and everyday felt so difficult. To describe what it was feeling like, I will describe a day during these periods.
I would wake up at 6:30 am, I never eat in the morning and went to school by bus. I felt numb, like I was a ghost wandering around people, I even wondered if people saw me sometimes. School passes, very fast, I paid attention to what the teachers said, but it was like my mind was gone and my body was still there. It was so grey around me, everything lost its interest. Things I loved, I didn't loved them anymore. It was so cold outside, even if the sun was there.
Then it became worse. I started having insomnia, didn't sleep for two days sometimes. I started self harming, everyday evening, on my arms and wrists. My psychological pain was becoming unbearable and I thought my only issue was self harm. It was feeling so good, it was numbing the pain I had on my mind, it stop the time, and for minutes I felt good. I wasn't bothered about pain caused by the blade or the scars. I knew it wasn't a good thing to do, I always knew. I'm 2 years clean now but at that time, it was my drug, I needed it. I woke up at night to do it. It was an urge I couldn't control. I was taking pills, hoping I wouldn't wake up the next morning. I made one suicide attempt, I tried to hang myself then strangle myself. It didn't work but I passed out. I don't want to remember it a lot. I felt like I never had a purpose, so why should I stay. I stayed for the people I loved, family etc, I had to. I was finally saying that to myself.
Well, that is pretty much how high school went. I was putting so much pressure on myself to succeed that I made me sick. I was having panic attacks, I didn't know what to do and felt lost. Besides, I wasn't showing anyone a sign of my bad state. My fear of failure became unbearable and I had to cut again to release anxiety. I broke down during classes often, had to go outside for fresh air. It was a burn-out, I know it , but maybe it was something else? I don't know, accumulation of everything was hard at some point.
Despite all these bad things, I went last year to a preparatory school, before entering the school I wanted. I have always been fond of art. I couldn't do something else. I would never complain about it because it is what I like and I know a lot of people can't do what they truly want because of parents or situations, and I'm grateful for it. Unfortunately, it didn't change how I was feeling. I felt good during my vacations after the final highschool exam, I saw a friend and I wasn't stressed at all. The beginning of my preparatory school was nice. I had my small apartment, two hours away by train from my parents home. I always had been a lonely person, I don't like being around people too much, for a long time. It didn't bothers me. What bothered me was how I began to felt again in December 2018. I was afraid to have what I call a ''bad state period'' has I had in the last years or months, it was terrifying because I didn't wanted to feel that low again. But it came slowly and it was eating me alive.
The worst part, and I will always remember it was undoubtedly from January to May 2019. The longest period I had, and by far the worst I've ever had.
One day, I was feeling numb and it started. It was like.. maybe depersonnalization ? A friend of mine had it and told me about it but again I'm not sure, because I wasn't diagnosed. I just... Wasn't there, for 5 months, it was like I wasn't myself. I was out of my body, but I need to say that I wasn't like this all the time, sometimes I was '' conscious'' again and it was terrible. I was ''not there'' 70 % of the time but when I was ''conscious'' I was a mess. The works I had to do was stressing me too much.
I felt so sick and stressed I had to release everything. I began to drink a lot, first it was cheap champagne, then it was liquor. I bought myself two bottles or three, and I drank every evening when I came home. One glass at first, then one and three, full all the time, then half of the bottle. I was drunk almost every night , every evening after class. I was feeling so numb, I didn't make myself sick but I drank enough to feel numb. I'm not proud of myself for that, I regret it a lot. Because of it, I know that I can easily have an addiction to alcohol. I did drugs a bit, not a lot but never was addicted to it. I was addicted to alcohol, I needed it everyday for months. It is not long but it was devastating. With the help of a friend, I stopped. It was painful and hard because my body already needed it. I don't drink often now because I know that If I'd start again, it would be unfair as it was. Moreover, I was on Tinder and was flirting and sometimes sleeping with every guy I could find, mostly when I was drunk. I wasn't that great and I would never be proud of it.
When I had to pass my exams ( three ) to enter some art school. I was still in the same state, I did it well for one and bad for the others. Fortunately I was accepted at one school, where I'm going in one week. The exams where taking place during our classes, the year was not over and we needed to go back to classes. I didn't.. I used to come for a day or too, not at the same hour, sometimes not the morning or only the morning, then I didn't came for two weeks. They didn't knew where I was, they thought I was doing more exams to enter school but I was just laying in my bed in the dark for weeks. I wasn't eating, I was not always washing myself.. as disgusting as it sounds. I didn't wanted to do anything. I was just laying in my bed all day. I was sleeping most of the time. I didn't cared about anything, anything matters for me at this moment. I wasn't feeling bad anymore, I was just so tired I could'nt feel a thing. I lost about 10 kg, but the good thing was that I wasn't drinking anymore. People I knew wasn't worried at all and my family still don't know bout it but it is clearly the lowest I have been, I think.
Howewer, during these month, even if I was at my lowest, the best thing happened. I wasn't realized it at the moment. I met my current boyfriend when I was on Tinder, as funny as it sounds, and we became very close. It was fast, and I didn't wanted his feelings or a guy around me, as a boyfriend at the time. I was lost and feeling desperate. Little do I know, he was keep trying to be with me. When I was at my lowest, he was there, he was listening. No one ever did that for me before as he did. I was sorry about what I was telling, sorry for being like this but he didn't care. He was still there. I accepted his feelings, and we've know each other for 9 months now, and being together for 4. He stayed 5 months to be with me, and I've never been that grateful. It was the thing that warmed my heart, made my mental state a bit better. I'm always feeling good when I'm with him, we passed the entire month of July, August together, and the beginning of September. We bonded really fast and it is incredible. I never thought it would happen that fast. He is my sunshine, in my world so grey.
Everything is warm when he is around. But the summer vacations already end. I'll start a new year, and will stay in the same school for about three years at least. I'm quite nervous, and I started four days again, when I left him to return home, to be scared, well.. terrified. I don't want to have a huge period of bad mood or depression, whatever you call it because idk, for months.. And feel again as low as I was. I wouldn't be able to bear these feelings. I want to feel better for him, for myself but it is hard. Im truly struggling to have weeks where I feel good about myself and my future. I never knew if I had a true disorder, I think so but I can say I have if no one told me.. My mother, grandmother and grandfather had and still have depression, I don't know if it can be a reason why I was feeling that bad early. I don't know.
I think that is all I had to say, i'm not good to tell too much about my boyfriend and I because it is good. I'm better then I was, but I'm just afraid right now, and I start to feel low again, as it always was at the beginning of a period. I hope it will be better.. I wanted to see a psychologist by myself but its a cost, and I don't have enough money myself to afford it now..
Thanks for reading it, it was very messy because I was just writing was I had on my mind for one hour. But it was quite worth it :) xoxo