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its been 7 months since my 12 year old little brother died by suicide. it still feels like it was yesterday i was in the hospital waiting for a miracle that never came but somehow the funeral feels like it was years ago. i havent been the same mentally. im alive im existing but im not here, i don't feel anything anymore unless its anger or sadness. i'm a medical student and just being in class has become a trigger. a single word, an image, or a sound triggers me and im back at the hospital reliving the worst 3 days of my life. but what can i do? i repress and hold back my tears so i don't draw attention to myself. i went to therapy once but i didn't even get a second to talk about my grief and my therapist quit the same day i was scheduled for my next session so i just never went back. am i just going to be like this for the rest of my life? they tell me it takes time but its been 7 months i thought i would atleast be able to be in school a full day without breaking down but i havent been able to do that yet. I think about it every day, i cry every day, i hurt every day and i don't know what to do to make it stop. I'm tired of pretending that im fine and that im moving on with my life because im not. im not fine im not moving on with my life but its easier to say that i am than to tell the same story over and over again.
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The point of the matter is, you're not fine. No one is. Recognize that. Recognize that the death is not your fault, and just sometimes these things happen. I am so, so sorry to hear that this happened to you. Please know you have my heart. It's going to take time, it will. You need to let yourself heal. Let your body heal, as well as your mind. Talk to someone, and invest your spare time in a hobby.
Replyi know it isn't the same thing, but maybe itll help. i was hospitalized once, no friends ever came to visit and my mom was pretty much all i had, blood was taken every day at all hours and when i got out i couldn't look at a tiled ceiling or go to a nurses room without feeling like i was right back in that bed with needles in my arm all by myself. What you're talking about to me sounds like ptsd and depression. you will not be like this forever. but you need to try again with therapy. Look for a PTSD Therapest, that should get you a little closer to finding out how to get back on your feet.
I've been through five therapists, and theyr one of the main reasons im still alive. You will not be like this forever!
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