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I can't talk about my feelings and we're officially poor (+a girl and feeling like shit)
4 years ago · 2 · Stress, +18 · Explicit
634
I'm 18, a girl, going to start college in three days. I can't drive yet.
I'm tired. Not always, just right now. The more time goes on, the more I think I might have ADD. I want to talk to someone about it. My mom thinks I can just use tips and tricks and I don't need a diagnosis, I can just problem solve on my own.
I've started a period of feeling bad again. It ramps up slowly, but I think I'm maybe four days in? I've already cried for no reason in my room in the dark alone twice. Small cries, but it's still early in the period of bad so. I've wanted to cut two nights in a row. But it's summer so I can't. I've started feeling kinda lowkey suicidal (the kind where I just don't want to deal with life but I'm not actually going to kill myself). I kinda want to OD on sleeping pills or something. Idk, first I need to get some. We have cooking wine I could chug. I'm not going to though. No determination, I just don't want to actually die.
I've been spending more time with this one girl in my class. I kinda thought I had a crush on her. After spending an hour sitting on a dock in the lake talking to her about confusing life and barter and how to save money on food I think I do like her. I kept thinking about hanging out with her and she's so cool and I would totally date her. She's dating this other guy now and I love both of them as friends and they're really happy together so I guess we're going to be friends. It's okay. She's really cool and I love being friends with her. Also I think this is like the first crush I've ever really had?
Change of topics. We're officially poor. My mom is now making around $20,000 a year. For four people in her household, that put us a good $5,000 below the nationally recognized poverty line. It's kinda odd but now we're gonna be a little extra tight on money. A $30 haircut is something she's gotta think about. Also, if I pass the test and get my driver's licence, her insurance will increase $700 a year, which she absolutely can't afford on top of regular insurance. Even if I bought my own car, which I was planning on doing since I got a little cash from an internship a while ago. So we maybe can't afford me even having a licence, which feels really crappy.
We definitely can't afford therapy so I won't even ask. Even if I felt like I could actually say I feel like shit kinda periodically, still self-harm, sometimes want to die, and think I might have ADD which could be causing my procrastination and inability to get any work done which is leading to sever feelings of failure and self-loathing and stress and with each period of emotional badness I feel worse and am concerned it'll eventually lead to a real suicide attempt, even if I could say that, we can't even afford therapy. So I'm kinda thinking I'll get a job and save up money and go on my own, just to figure out if I have ADD and if all of this is really something or if I'm just dramatic, kinda stressed from college, and need to sleep more. Even if I went I don't know that I could tell a therapist all of this. I get stomachaches even thinking about it.
To sum it up: we're poor, I kinda want to talk to a therapist, I can't talk about my feelings, I like a girl but we're just gonna be friends, I feel shitty periodically and it's starting again, and I think I have ADD
And I left my phone at my mom's house
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There are resources for therapy. Depending on where you're living, it doesn't matter whether or not you have money-there are resources. I'm sorry you've been stressed lately, I really am. I know change sucks, it does. This is a new thing for you, right? We all struggle sometimes. And, it's okay to cry. It really is. It's okay to express any emotion, really. Any emotion. Any you can get tested for ADD. You can. I wouldn't let it become a label for you, though. It should only be a part, but don't let it define you. And as for that girl, maybe you'll appreciate the friendship better anyway. Everything happens for a reason, so if you guys are "meant to be", then maybe your time will come with her. How about you go out and take a walk? Listen to some music and touch and feel the things around you. Find a certain stress reliever, a hobby, even, that you enjoy. Things are tough, that's true. But you're going to make it. This will prepare you for other challenges down the road. I wish you luck! Take care of yourself! Try to be there for your mom, if possible, and talk to her about your concerns. I'm sure she will help the most.
peace
Replyhii are you free to talk
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