What are you looking for?
The Dimming Light
8 months ago · · Alzheimers,
My person. My Mom. Quickly advancing Alzheimer's. Possibly Cancer. Waiting game now. Possibilities are grim. Trying to stay positive. Trying to stay concentrated. Trying to be strong. Trying not to cry. Trying not to yell... scream... swear. Trying to "keep my chin up". No one to talk to about it. Don't want to be a downer. The person I would talk to about things would be my Mom... but I can't.
I worry that one day I will see her and she won't know who I am. I know that day will come, but I don't think I will be able to handle it. In fact I know I won't. I can already feel the sadness chipping away at my soul. My tears welling up in my eyes. I fear that I will have a breakdown - and no one to lift me. I can only ask so much of my spouse as he is already picking up the pieces and being as much support as he knows how by adding more to his load when it comes to the kids and the regular household chores. And he is already fragile enough being an alcoholic. Currently dry - he has been doing well lately. *Knock wood*
However, when there was another family crisis just 3 years ago - he went off the rails when I needed him the most.
I don't know how to reach out to my friends with these types of things -- I just want to crawl under a rock. I have spoken about it with a couple of friends, and I have texted/messaged a couple. Some have been nice enough to ask for updates. I have not had the energy to respond...
I don't always know what to say.
People say, as the care-giver you need to take care of yourself. However I cannot make time for me when other aspects of my life are already behind.
My health and fitness has taken a back-seat. I stress-eat generally, however these days I almost don't even feel like eating. I have medical issues which I cannot even start to address and physio I should be going to- but if I take that time - I will feel like I should be doing something else.
My priorities these days are aging parents, kids, spouse, job --
the backseat is where social/friends/personal health and care has gone... in fact - unfortunately I think that my spouse has also been put in that back seat.
Anyways - that's all I have time for.
We'll see how writing here feels... first post.