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Self Harm Late 20's
8 months ago · · Self Harm,
I thought I would have everything together at 26. I know it's not old. It's also past the age where you're let off for things - you are now expected to adult or as close to.
I have bipolar - type 2 - I take the medicine - the doses change still - but I don't know how to stop the self harming. I've done it since I was 16 but more so in my early 20's and still to this day. When I'm low, which I call heartbroken as it feels as if my heart is breaking in two constantly, I can't stop myself picking up the razor snapping it open and then slicing my thigh, watching the blood, making the cut deeper. Recently I have taken to using a knife and the marks left are disgusting (now I am mentally normal/sound) but during the low it is perfect just what I need.
Writing this it sounds so simple - put down the knife - stop. But I just don't know it switches during a low. I find myself with a knife in my hand and cutting is what gets me through those hours.
I have a therapist she does says a soft box, a comfort box. She scares me as I want to tell her everything but I feel like she wouldn't understand because I don't and it doesn't make sense why I do it. It is me doing it I know but I don't know why. What is wrong with me? Why can't I stop?
She asks me about my past but honestly it doesn't effect me - arrest, rape, drugs etc. I don't think about it, I don't stress about those aspects but I fear my job and being fired constantly, worried I am in trouble all the time and struggle with negative comments but its not my past.
I've sliced my arm and the cut is long and deep (clean). I don't know how to stop! I am 26 this is ridiculous, my body is scarred and scary looking.