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My Unsent Letter
1 month ago · · be happy, · Explicit
Dear Dad and Mom,
I might send you a letter like this once I move out for certain. You and I both know that I didn’t have a great childhood.
Mom, you have changed so so much. I am proud of your improvements. I can tell how much you are trying to change for my sister. I remember growing up, afraid to tell you anyjing. But it has become easier because you are trying. I don’t want to blame you, but I have to tell you that you had an impact on me and on my thoughts as a child and early teen.
I thought that being selfish and not being able to control my anger is the right things to do. I believed that when I did any small thing wrong I was to be yelled at. Please take care of my sister, don’t scream at her like you sometimes do. It doesn’t help, the proof is me.
Dad, I can’t say the same for you. You were a bad father all my life. I KNOW that your childhood was hard, that you didn’t have much money. My childhood was different, I didn’t have to worry about where my next meal is coming from, like you. But don’t you fucking dare lash out on me. Don’t dare scream at me for being unable to do something that I was NEVER TAUGHT to do. Dont you dare put the blame on me for everything you don’t want to understand.
I still remember when the school called home saying “your daughter isn’t doing well with her mental health” all of that escalated into you making fun of my self-images problems and changing the topic to my grades.
You are the most selfish, hypocritical and two-faced person I know. I know that you say you don’t care if ‘gay’ people exist, but you don’t want them in your life. I know many people who are not straight and aren’t horrible people. In fact, most of them are like that. Of course, ignore I told you this as a child I would get lectured and told I don’t know what I am talking about, but I am a pansexual female who hasn’t gone through many of your homophobic remarks and didn’t stand up to it once.
For some reason, when you find out something’bad’ that I did, for example, get in trouble in school or not unload the dishwasher, I was immediately yelled at and humiliated. If I didn’t anything good, it would either go unnoticed or a mistake/flaw would be found anyway.
You were the biggest reason for my year-long depression, my still ongoing anxiety and horrible self-confidence and for my mean, stubborn and forgetful personality. I hate to blame it on you, but I have to. You were the reason for pretty much all of my life-struggles, if not you, then your impact on my personality and way of thinking did.
I try to remember those moments where I’d laugh at you’re jokes, but those moment are overridden by sad thoughts and angry feelings.
I don’t love you Mom and Dad. I don’t. I’m sorry that I don’t. I know you love me Mom. I know you are a selfish bastard, Dad. But thanks, at least alongside with all of my depression and anxiety I tried to grow thicker skin.
‘Tried’ because before it would regrow you would rip it off, forcing me to go from the start, trying to go on in life.
With Confidence, your daughter, which ‘ruined’ your life by being conceived.