What are you looking for?
8 months ago · · Just venting, · Explicit
1:40AM. Again. I’ll probably kick my phone after typing this and try to fall asleep again just to pick up my phone in 20 minutes.
I don’t think I’ve ever been this lost with myself ever. I don’t even know where to start. So let’s start with the fact that I feel alone. Yes I have a lot of friends. My family supports me but I’m talking about mentally.
I don’t feel like I can depend on myself to keep me all there. I have thoughts I’ve never thought I would have. Thoughts I never saw myself thinking. It’s not depression.? It is.? Idk.
I don’t know how to put it into words. I can just feel my mental health rotting. I’m trying so damn hard to stay here mentally but these thoughts literally make me feel like my head is gonna explode and what sucks is sometimes I wish it would.
Smoking a blunt or two doesn’t do the trick anymore.
I haven’t had anything close to being in love in almost a year.
I’m constantly reminded of it.
I have no idea what I want to do with my life career wise or how to even find my calling.
I have no side hustles. Money stresses me the fuck out and is really a huge factor in my mental health.
I can’t figure out how to get ahead in this fucking life!
I know I have no choice but to continue on w this life and just make the most of it.
I hate trying to sleep alone more than anything else
I can’t even talk to god anymore bcuz I have so many unanswered questions.
I know there’s no way to stay happy all the time and that’s fine w me. I accept that part.
I just don’t have the answers to my own questions and it’s taking a huge toll on me.
What do I want out of life.? No idea.
Do I want love.? Money.? Acknowledgement.? Fame.? Attention.?
I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA!
I’m to the point where I am strongly considering talking to mental health therapist because I’m sitting here doing this shit. It’s 1:53am now and I have yet to put this phone down. 13 minutes I’ve spent staring at this fucking phone screen and I feel I’ve accomplished nothing. WHICH IS THE FUCKING STORY OF MY LIFE. I never feel accomplished with SHIT.
I don’t know. I don’t know what else to say but my mind is going crazy. There’s a billion words I haven’t even said because I don’t even know how to display them.
I can’t draw them out. Paint them out. Write them out. Type them out.
Only time I feel at peace with myself is when I have my eyes closed and the music all the way up.
I should’ve just held you when you were crying, instead I cussed you out.
I should’ve never let you get out that truck still angry at me, instead I Iet you go.
I should’ve never said the things I said to you, instead I YELLED them at you.
I should’ve never let her stay the night, instead I told her we could share the bed.
I should never have walked away from any of our arguments, instead I told you that you were fucking crazy and turned my back on you.
I shouldn’t be living this life without you, you should be right here. In my bed. In my arms. Sound asleep without a fucking worry in the world. But instead. You’re sound asleep without a worry in the world and I can’t stop thinking ab how happy I WAS when you wrapped yourself around me.
I shouldn’t still give a flying fuck about you, instead I’m still acting like you give a fuck about me.
I shouldn’t be this low in life, but instead I fucked up just about every blessing that’s been placed in front of me.
If we’re being 100% honest, I fucking hate myself and who I am. 2:13am and I feel just as lost as I was when I started typing.
I’ve had so many chances to do shit right. And I’ve completely BLOWN all of them. Idk what to change about myself. I know I need a change I do. I just don’t know what to do or how to do it. I’m slowly losing faith in myself. I just wanna believe in myself again. That’s it.