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I used to think "how could anyone kill themselves?" but lately I seem to be having more and more suicidal thoughts. "I just wished I killed myself." or "This would all go away if I died," Sometimes, when I'm walking across a street I think, "what if a car hit me and I died?". For a while, I questioned if I had depression because I didn't feel anything. I know depression isn't just sadness but I didn't feel sad. I legit felt nothing but anger and my anxiety had taken over. I imagined my life in the third person. Having a camera looking inside my body seeing nothing but blackness. Then near my heart, there is a rainbow of emotion just trying their best to burst out but they couldn't. Sure, I laughed at a few funny jokes but that doesn't equal happiness. The only time that I felt sadness was in my deepest hours. When I saw that I couldn't feel happiness, I mean that I worked my ass off for something for 5 years and I don't feel anything for it. No accomplishment. I look at my body, which at a time I accepted, but now all I see is ugly until the lights go off. Criticizing every piece of it as if it's a work of art made by a crappy designer. I can't tell anyone about it because they don't understand. They can't handle my emotions and I can't blame them. Neither can I. Everything in my life is surrounded by those three things. They represent themselves as the circle of me. Anxiety-> Depression-> suicide. My brain can't handle anything that is thrown at it. Whether it be the smallest imperfection or the biggest consequence. I also can't seem to sleep. I am exhausted but it takes me hours to fall asleep. I can't focus on anything and I've lost interest in everything. Sometimes I just want to cry and scream but I can't because I am empty. People always say "Talk to someone" but my anxiety refuses for me to do that. I also feel as if I am a burden when I do or I feel ashamed and wish that I just kept it buried down beneath me. Sometimes I get a text and feel everything sink inside me. Having a choice on whether to lie or tell the truth on "how are you?". I always lie because people don't care about me or my problems. They are only worried about themselves and I don't blame them. I never blame anybody. I wish that I could say that I have overcome this or that any of this makes sense because it doesn't to me. Meanwhile, I'm reading this off in my head as if it's a ted talk but ususally ted talks have a purpose. My life doesn't seem to have a purpose.
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Keep your head up, i get what your going through isnt easy but u can get past this. also there are people who care im one of them :) its okay to not feel okay somtimes. just try not to get stuck there.
i believe in u i know u can get through this :)
ReplyYou write very well. It would be a shame not to hear such an articulate voice in the world. You do have a wonderful mind to contribute. I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts and self-harm. That text you receive is one that I don’t get. That feeling of being a burden is something I have felt too. So, I think you do have people who care. I know it’s hard to deal with this. I have been able to find small things that make me happy. My dog, music, exercise, cooking, being helpful and kind to other people....these things help calm me. Not comparing myself to others also helps me. I hope this makes you feel better.
ReplyLast year around Christmas, I found out some news that seemed to be horrible at the time. It was one of my darkest moments. I was going to run to the bathroom and take all the pills that I could find but my cat was sleeping right next to me. She made one of her noises and I knew that I couldn't leave her. Little did I know that it didn't matter as much as I thought it did but I think about that moment a lot. Not the same cat but I did lose a beloved cat a few months ago and I think that was the starter of my emptiness. You saying that I write well made me feel better. Every word in that long paragraph is unedited. I just wrote down what came to my mind because I was freaking out. I finished my thought and hit the post. One of my biggest dreams is to write a book and publish it. Thank you!
ReplyYou’re welcome. I truly believe that your cat sensed your despair and made that sound. I think he/she deserves some catnip. Unedited? Impressive. But, remember the talent you show in expression and imagery through words can be used not only in writing books. Don’t limit yourself. This talent indicates an ability for other things as well. Counselling, teaching, advertising and marketing, writing speeches, writing scripts, writing magazines, acting....sorry. Too many options for you to think about. But, yeah. Don’t limit yourself. Good luck.
ReplyI am actually in college for teaching right now. It makes me feel that I am in a great place. You are actually an amazing person. I wish you the best!
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