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sometimes I miss people. not often, not many. but sometimes it can be hard to remember friends I used to have because they were quality. but a lot of those friendships ended for a reason and I don't feel any sort of remorse about it because it was something that just brought strife into my life. what I do find myself missing pretty regularly us the feeling of having friends. having people I could turn to in times of need. having more than jus one person to talk to if I needed to because sometimes people were busy or had their own stuff to deal with. having to forcefully spread out my mental breakdowns because my couple of friends don't always have the time to listen is really difficult. I appreciate them so much but it was a luxury that I didn't now was one at the time. having more than jus one or two people to vent to was something I didn't know I wouldn't have in the long run. I didn't know that even with the friends I have I'd suffer from crippling loneliness. I didn't know that I'd still feel alone. sometimes it's incredibly mentally detrimental. it's really hard to think about those times. I used to have a gigantic familial friendship group. we all loved and cared about each other. and they all are still loving and caring about each other.. I'm just not one of them anymore. they left me behind and now I'm struggling and alone and facing all of these fears that I have of abandonment and b e i n g alone in a world brimming with people. it's not that I can't be by myself. I enjoy alone time more than most people. but being stuffed into loneliness when you're trying to find someone to talk to is severely painful. it causes panic and anxiety and I get nervous and stressed because I know me and I know that I just need someone to keep me out of my mind when I start to feel that way. it's hard and I'm trying so hard to make the few friendships I have last but you can't force people to stay in your life. that's not how it works.. they have to want to stay and most of the people I encounter just don't want to. and I can't blame them, I can be a lot. I guess I think of friendship differently than most. it can be quite a hassle trying to find people that aren't overwhelmed/underwhelmed by my friendship. I'm just afraid that the part of me thats too much will scare people off and the part of me that isn't enough jus make people think I don't care. it's a terrible balance to maintain and most people don't even realize that they don't have to balance it, I do. and they dip before even realizing that I'm a low maintenance friend. but I digress... I'm mostly just stuck remembering a better time in my life with the people that w e r e constants that have become quote the scarcity in my life. it hurts. kind of a lot. and I don't talk about it because then everyone is all "omg thats so mean I thought we were friends!!" but also like.. there have been literally 4 people in my life that have maintained any sort of regular conversation with me. even if the intervals are sort of large, it doesn't cause me heartache to expect to hear from them. everyone else in my life just... they just.. left. left me without closure. without reason. without any sort of explanation. and of course, they don't r e a l l y owe me any of that, I guess. but like thats the thing I'm known for: being a good friend. so the fact that they've all left without a trace is just hard on my mental state. I just hate the constant state of feeling lonely. I hate missing the feeling of being surrounded by people that love and care about me as much as I love and care about them. I miss the mutual exchange and caring equally. I just really miss a lot of things I used to have. it used to be better. and, inevitably, it'll get better again one day. it's just hard not to think about how things used to be better. it's hard not to remember being in an entirely better place. it's hard not to dwell on the happiness, friendship, love, potential, success, and growth that was then. and this is now. without any of that. but it'll be back one day.
it just.. has to
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