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No Reason To Stay
7 months ago · · Depression suicide , · Explicit
"Get up, you can get up.."
"Come on, eat something. Don't try to punish yourself by starving yourself."
"I am okay, I feel okay. Everything is fine"
"Nope, no, no. I'm really okay. Nothing is bad, nothing is falling apart. I'm not having a breakdown at this moment, nah."
"No one is starving at you, can you please calm the fuck down?!?"
"You are not useless or stupid. Its just everyone else is studying too hard and you can get there with effort too. You are fine."
"I'm fine.. Fine.. Fi-..."
These are mantras that I try to repeat in my head over and over again in a day to keep myself from falling apart all over the place. Things are rough, so rough that I feel like I can't breathe. Non stoping thoughts try to suffocate me every minute of every hour till my eyes are closed in a way of escape at nights. I dont know how much I can keep this up without breaking down. I can barely survive the day. The problem is I cant find any reason to stay anymore. Friends, family.. This pain has surpassed all of them. School, dreams.. Well, they aint there anymore 'cause I cant figure out who I am. Depression locked me in its cage made of fire and ice. My life is burning away but everything feels so ice cold and pointless. This isnt the first time I fall into a dark deep hole but now I can realize how tired and done I am. I can't take it anymore. I just cant.. And I cant kill myself either. I begged for hours to God to take my life himself without having me to choose between them because all i do is to walk on the line between life and death. Its tragic that I'm losing most productive and free years of my life in this numbness. I, I think I need for everything around me to stop or I'm gonna lose myself..