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In the past I've dealt with depression and anxiety. I felt so low for over 6 years, and for whatever reason, my depression has pretty much gone away (I just stopped feeling low, for absolutely no reason whatsoever. I changed nothing), but the anxiety is still very much there. My memory for conversations is very good; I repeat everything over and over again until I fall asleep. I plan out everything I say before I say it. Every single sentence I converse with someone has already been constructed at the back of my mind, and if it hasn't, I feel uncomfortable and continue to go over what the other person has said. I've never felt as much pain as living through some 'awkward' sounding words once they've been spoken. Nobody would bat an eyelid at them except me.
I'm getting better at social interactions. I force myself to talk to people and say things to them, despite it making me feel uncomfortable. I really am proud of how far I've come with it all. If you ignore the crippling paranoia and fear of society, I'm a lot happier now than I ever have been.
I've had problems with guys in the past, and now I've recently made 3 guy friends that are lovely but very hard to read. I can't tell whether they despise me, and I'm convinced one of them thinks I'm an idiot. For whatever reason, I find myself crushing on this guy. He's not my type at all, he's immature and passive-aggressive, but all I want is to just hug him and make him laugh. Sometimes when I see him my heart does that stupid fluttery thing, which I've never felt before. Although he definitely does hate me, I don't find myself bothered by it. I think I'm attracted to his mind, the way he thinks and says things. I like him so much but the idea of being with him is off-putting. My body wants him but my brain couldn't care less.
It's been a while since I've liked someone, and I'm afraid that this is what it's going to be like; a constant stream of attraction without mentally wanting to be with them. I haven't met someone that I can see myself being with, and I think I'm ok with it. Maybe I'm not meant to be with anybody.
I just feel very neutral about everything. I've been travelling around Asia, which if this was last year I would be extremely excited about, but I can't find any excitement in anything I do. The happiest I've been in my entire life was last week when I was sat alone in Singapore by the river, reading a book. But even then it felt weird.
I'm scared that I'm afraid of being happy. It's been so long since I've felt ok and I don't deserve any of what is happening. I don't deserve to be travelling, nor have friends. I constantly feel like I'm in a parallel world where everything is normal but there are small details off. It's almost like being trapped inside a lucid dream - I can control everything and experience amazing things, but it doesn't feel real. Nothing I do anymore feels real.
It's not that I feel suicidal or sad, not now, but sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my life. I'm currently studying, and I really enjoy my subject but I'm absolutely terrified about the future. I've never committed to anything for any length of time, so the idea of settling on one thing is an absolute no. Maybe it's the same for relationships?
I'm just scared of who I'm going to become. I'm scared that I'll never feel as though this world is my reality. Can anyone relate? I'm just stuck in the wrong time, or body, or something.
I enjoy sitting and just watching the sunset, or reading a book at night by the river. I enjoy the really small things in life, but not a lot else. I used to.
For whatever reason I keep getting really, really fucking dark thoughts. I sometimes want to hurt people, and although I 100% never would, the thoughts just kind of linger. I don't even feel bad about them. I just think how easy it would be to hurt others. It would be so easy to use them. I never would but I hate how the thoughts are there. Am I a bad person?
Either way, I've been trying to use religion to feel better, which is something I've never really considered. I just started talking to whoever is up there listening, and whatever they are, whether they are real or fiction, actually makes things easier. I ask for small things to make me feel less stressed, and they're granted. I was saying how I was ready to quit my job because it was the absolute worst, and not an hour later one of my favourite actors walks in for his lunch. And when I needed help trying to decide something, the answer was given to me almost instantly. I don't know what I believe in, but if there's a God out there then I'm truly thankful for you. You've made this easier for me.
I don't know what the point of this post was, I suppose I just needed to say what I felt. If anyone can relate or give some advice I would be really appreciative, but as I said, there's not a purpose to this. Enjoy the rest of your day.
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Interesting post!
You are perfect in your own way. If you don't feel the way others feel, it doesn't make a difference. Discover your own way and follow it!
With Love
ReplyI can relate to the liking. When I find myself starting to like someone, for some reason, I just break down. But it's like my body longs to be with them, but my brain makes me feel so uncomfy and that's when my depression gets worst. I haven't been able to properly date for 3 years, and I've been single for one year. I just wish I had someone to cuddle and rant to, but it's so hard to, you know? I just can't. And I hate myself for it. I'll never be ready, will I?
ReplyIt's just so frustrating isn't it? I've had casual things with people but never been in a proper relationship. I was in one when I was 16 and did everything I could to sabotage it, and since then I've just been scared to let myself like people. I hated even the casual ones. This guy isn't the guy I'm going to spend my life with but goddamn it I just want to cuddle up with him. Are we just not supposed to be in relationships? It seems more effort than it's worth.
ReplyUgh, I know right! The casual things I have can only stay at casual because my mind just fights them away. And then I start making scenarios in my head that will never happen, and I just start to shove myself away because I don't know what else to do. It's stupid. But it's gotten to the point now that just...needing someone scares me. It's stupid-I'm scared to be alone, but I don't wanna be alone.
There is this guy I think I like right now. His name is Ian. He's my lab partner in my Chemistry class. We've been friends since the first day of school. I'm surprised the teacher hasn't separated us for being so stupid and giggly with each other. He makes me smile, but once I start to think about it, I begin to shake. I can't let him in. He doesn't deserve to carry my burdens, you know?
Sorry, my reply is so long.
I wish there was an article for people like us.
ReplyI'm glad there's someone out that that can relate. It just feels like I delibrately avoid liking people! And if this guy ever liked me back, I know for a fact I'd say no? HOW DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE?? I think I'm at an age where I don't want to screw around anymore, but also still not wanting to let people in. Idk what the middle ground is but it SUCKS
ReplyEarlier this year, this guy had the fattest crush on me.
It was stupid because I immediately began to push him away. And then he got all pissy at me and still treats me like shit today.
He hates me so much, and I hate myself more for the fact that I had to hurt him to push him away.
Liking someone is too complicated, you know. But I still like people. And then it just damages me even more.
It's like PTSD. Every time we have feelings for another, or we begin to let someone in, the feelings and emotions come spiraling back and we have a "trigger attack" Get it?
It sucks.
ReplyGod yeah, why is it like this? I'm low-key jealous of people that can go from relationship to relationship and like multiple people, I just don't understand how! Why is it so complicated to like someone, it shouldn't be this much effort
ReplyUgh, I'm so glad I'm not the only one like this.
One of my friends right now is in a relationship. The other is openly liking people. And the other just went on a date last Sunday. Me? Nothing. I'm in my room sulking.
My friend told me that they went to a haunted house and held hands while being scared. That he liked her smile, and she made butterflies crash in his tummy. I said ew.
I want someone to say that to me, haha.
Thanks for letting me keep replying to this and come back, whoever you are.
I hope you had a good day.
ReplyThere's so many people around me in relationships and getting engaged and such, and it's awful because I really do want that but I don't see myself ever being committed enough for it. Even now, I was about to meet up with that guy to give him my camera (long story) but I just asked my roommate to do it instead because I hate seeing him around. It's not that I dislike him, I just dislike the fact that I actually do like him but it's completely one sided. To him I'm just letting him use my camera, but to me I have to attempt to not look shit, change out of my pjs, awkwardly meet him and feel exposed for absolutely no reason while in the meantime feeling extremely turned on/hatred for this impossibly hard dude to read.
The ew reaction IS LITERALLY ME though omg I've never related more. It's no problem though, it's nice to have someone to relate to. Where about are you from? I'm just curious about our time difference.
I hope you had a good day/evening too :)
ReplyWanna hear something funny? I hate love because it doesn't love me, but I am a huge sucker for love films. I can rewatch them and binge. I still look away when they kiss a lot, but I still feel sad and jealous-wanting the real love that was on the screen (except it was staged)
I don't mind people seeing me. What scares me is letting them into the part of me that still scares ME.
I live in Washington. It's 9:35 in the morning. And you?
Have a good day.
ReplyDUDE ME TOO, they make me so sad!
But I just hate letting others in too. It's freaking terrifying.
I'm from Scotland but I'm living in Malaysia right now, its nearly 1am. Think I'm about 16 hours ahead of you! Let me tell you something, the future is still shite. I'm off to sleep, but enjoy the rest of the morning :)
ReplyHello again.
Letting people in is rough, and I've especially been feeling it extra because I'm less than a year of becoming an adult, which scares me so much. I've stayed up nights just thinking, and becoming more scared, because I don't want to be alone. Last night was one of the worst ones.
You might be asleep right now? It's 6:24 at night.
Enjoy your timezone. Can I have an initial? Or a fake name? My fake name is Elle.
ReplyI'm not even sure what constitutes as an adult, but I'm pretty sure that I'm supposed to be one. Feel free to talk about it, I'm willing to listen :)
It's 1pm right now, it's so confusing because I think you're only a couple of hours ahead... yesterday...(?) I hate time differences so much..
I've never given a fake name before, so go for Ray, first initial is an R anyway. It's nice to meet you, Elle.
Hope you're enjoying your breakfast/dinner/I have no clue at this point :P
ReplyWhat constitutes as an adult-to me-is being 18. I am counting down the days till I'm 18. Less than a year. And it scares me, especially cause of my past. I have so many mental situations as well, that I feel as if one day, it'll all come crashing down on me and scare the hell out of me. I used to be scared of New Year's Day. The thought of a new year scared the hell out of me. I've gotten over that fear, but only because that fear has transformed into another-18. I can't stop thinking about it. Like I literally was crying last night because of the fear of it. Mostly it's the fear of growing up, but it's mostly the fear of being alone. Especially cause of my mental issues. I don't want to be alone when things get rough. You know? Sigh.
It's 2:58 right now in the afternoon. It's 10-29-19. Saturday. Is it Friday for you? Sunday? Haha, time differences are so weird.
I like talking to you, so thank you. It helps to get my thoughts out to someone that will actually listen.
Have a good day, or afternoon, or night. And I will talk to you soon, Ray.
ReplyIn that case, I've been adult for a few years :P I just had my 20th birthday a few weeks ago, although it didn't feel like a birthday at all. Growing up is terrifying, and I'm the same - I hate New Year's so much. The whole thing freaks me out and I have to actively forget it's happening on the day or I'll get really upset. I haven't been with anyone I properly liked since I was 17, I've just been in casual type relationships that I know aren't going to last. But I realised the cause of some of my mental health is relationships. I haven't been involved AT ALL in nearly a year and depression wise I feel as though it's just vanished almost? Which is another reason why I'm so scared to be with anyone, I feel so much happier without any romantic involvement. As cliché as it sounds, I'm working on myself to get better and it's actually making a huge difference. I've become a little impulsive (I booked three holidays in the past week as random 4am decisions). If I want to do something, I'll do it (within reason), and try not focus on anything else. As part of the anxiety, I'm super super indecisive, so making impulsive decisions has helped. I recommend it. Maybe it can be applied to relationships as well? If you like someone then ignore the bad feelings and just do something about it. Live in the moment, and if it fair then at least you know you tried.
It's the 27th of October right now, 10:30am. Time differences make everything worst, I can't even speak to my parents when I want to.
Enjoy your (I wanna say evening) :)
(btw is it Washington state or DC) (actually I want to visit both so it makes no difference).
ReplyThank you for saying what you said.
I was having breakfast at a local restaurant where I live, and my friends starting talking about this guy I like-Ian. They started saying rude things about him actually. So I excused myself to use the bathroom, and I looked at myself in the mirror and said, "If it hurts you this bad that they are saying this stuff, then you need to tell him that you like him before the hurt just stays."
So, when I go to school tomorrow, I am going to tell him, in the hour that I have with him. But I'm scared shitless.
But, what you said above helps. Live in the moment, and if it's far, then at least you know tried. Impulsive ideas scare me.
But thank you so much, Ray.
Happy belated birthday. 20 is a scary age. I'm in Washington, not DC. This big state with Olympia as it's capital.
Back to Ian-sorry, it's all I can think about-I haven't been in a relationship over a year. Casual flirtings with people here and there but I haven't been able to let anyone close. That's actually why I broke up with my last boyfriend. But the thing with Ian is that he doesn't make me feel that way.
But the scary thing is, when I tell him tomorrow, I have to tell him face to face because he and I don't communicate over the screen. Only verbally.
The thing is with me and relationships are...I wish I was able to be in one. But I'm scared, and that's what sets off the feelings of, "oh maybe I'm better off," or, "why the hell are relationships so hard?" and, "I shouldn't date." But I want to. I tell myself all these things, but when I look around and see other people dating and stuff, I just get so sad, wishing I had that, you know?
I feel like I've said too much already. This reply is turning into an essay. It is the evening for me-5:25 PM. It's on the 28th of October.
Enjoy your morning...?
-E
ReplyYou're definitely making the best decision by telling him, I honestly could not do what you're going to do. I wish you the best of luck <3 The guy I (like?) isn't worth it to me I don't think. It happens every time, when I haven't seen someone in over a week I just more zero effort to communicate with them. I realised that I definitely have committment issues and I really need to talk to my counselor about it. Everyone around me is in a relationship, and although right now I'm doing my own thing and travelling around to improve myself before I even consider looking for someone, I do know that I want somebody. I don't even know what my type is anymore which is really frustrating. I think I'd rather wait another ten years if I have to just to ensure I've met the right person than force myself into a relationship now.
Honestly, we Scots don't know a single thing about America - it's big and you have multiple Washington's, that's all I know. At least we both have idiots in power..
As for the impulsiveness, it scares me as well. But I've started to live and it feels amazing. I booked to see a concert next year IN PARIS at 4am. My bank account hates me but the impulsivity feels so good.
By the time you've read this I think you'll have spoken to Ian, I wish you well - R
ReplyHi Ray.
I haven't done it yet, and I don't know if I will. My stomach is telling me not to. My legs are crossed at the ankles, and my foot is twitching and kicking faster than a bunny running from a hungry prey. Help. I'm taking deep breathes in and out, but the mere thought of what I'm doing scares me more than fear. I'm all over the place. And I've been up since 3 due to intense hunger and lack of protein.
Oh my gosh. What if I'm doing the wrong thing? What if I'm about to end our friendship? What if he's totally disgusted? What if he starts to become super uncomfy?
Oh my gosh, Ray, I'm about to ruin everything. But I have time. I can change my mind, right? I'm supposed to be alone-I shouldn't stand up for myself.
But I already made a script in my head.
OH MY GOSH, my thoughts are everywhere.
I'm so sorry, Ray. I need to calm down. I'm nervous and scared and I'm about to fuck everything up, aren't I?
How long have you (liked?) the guy you've been talking to?
A concert in Paris? At 4AM! Wow, Ray. Have fun, and wake up early! In Paris?! Is it going to be in French? Tu es parle en francais, oui?
Sorry for the jumpiness of this reply.
Good...afternoon? I think night. Haha.
-E
ReplyElle don't worry, you don't have to do it if you don't want to, don't force yourself if you think you'll lose a friend. I had a casual relationship with a friend and it screwed everything up. Just breathe, and decide whether or not you want to do it.
The concert isn't at 4am don't worry, I just booked it at 4am! It's Lewis Capaldi, he's Scottish so I sure as damn hope there's no French! Je ne comprende pas francais IM USELESS.
Its okay, I understand what you're going through completely. Don't do something you aren't comfortable with, if it's meant to be then it's meant to be.
Have a good evening! - R
ReplyHey, Ray.
I have so much to say. That rhymed! Anyways...
So, I told him, haha. I was shaking, no saliva was in my mouth, and the words were coming out at a speed that was too fast for speech.
So it was towards the end of the class, and I go, "Hey, I still have to tell you that thing," (I told him at the beginning of the class that I had to tell him something)
He looks at me and goes, "Oh yeah, whatsup?" And that's when the shaking comes back. Was I about to do it?
"Give me a sec," I stuttered.
"Well, you've got two minutes." I looked at the time. He was right.
"Never mind," I chickened out. He shrugged it off. "Wait, no, I have to tell you. It's just I don't know how to say it, and I also don't want it to change anything and-"
"What? Woah, Elle, Elle, are you catching feelings for me?" (He didn't say Elle, he used my real name)
I looked up at hin. "Yeah."
He walks around to my side of the table to stand right in front of me. "I don't feel the same,"
I began to babble, "What? Well, I didn't expect you to feel the same, not at all, I just thought I should tell you. I mean, my sister did. We were talking one night and she thought I should tell you, so I gave it some thought and I was like, yeah, I guess it's something he should know, so yeah...But I don't want it to change anything and stuff-"
He stopped me again, "No, why would it change anything? I still wanna be friends."
"Yeah, of course, why wouldn't we be...yeah..."
And then the bell rang, so he tapped the desk twice, and without saying goodbye, he turned on his heel and walked towards the girl he was smitten for-the girl who didn't have the guts to tell Ian that she didn't feel the same and that she didn't want to be with him.
NOW, here's the thing. Remember how I said I shove everyone away. I've done that for three years now. To everyone but one person.
In my freshman year, I met this guy named Peter. I had soon developed a major crush on him, and once I admitted it to myself, I was falling harder, and I ended up falling in love. I was in love with Peter. I was sure of it.
He and I were the greatest of friends. We talked every single day, always hung out, and we told everyone everything. I had a connection with him I've never thought I had with anyone. When he was sad, I'd know, cause I would have a feeling in my chest. And I was right. Peter was my...everything.
And one day, cause the situation with his parents got bad, he had to move away to Spokane, which is over 300 miles away. I cried all night. I needed his touch more than I needed air.
I was still super attached to him. I cried every time I couldn't hug him, or smell him, or see his favorite flannel that he still hasn't given me. And he didn't want me hurting. That night, he said we couldn't be friends anymore, because it hurt too much to see me like this.
That night I had a panic attack so bad that my sister had to enter my room and help me breathe. I remember it by detail. I was heaving, shaking, unable to form a decent breathe, tears rushing down my face like a stream as my cries turned into screams that woke the house up. This went on for three hours. I had to skip school the next day-I felt dead. I had just lost my heart, my dopamine. I needed Peter-more than I needed to breathe.
This went on for a year. He would come back because he needed me, and he missed me, and then he'd let go, thinking he was ready to move on, and then he would come back again, needing me. I would do the same.
One time, he said, "I love you. I'm in love with you. And I think you're the one but I never had the chance to see if I was right."
Oh, Pete Pete...
I'm still letting him go. That's the thing, I never was able to shove him away as I did with everyone else. Because he was different.
Now, before I did anything with Ian, I had asked God for help. I'm religious. I asked him if I should tell Ian if I should try with him. And I asked for a sign.
I think I got the sign last night when Peter told me he was moving back here to where I live.
He's coming back. And I'm so happy he's coming back.
Ray, I'm stuck.
ReplyWow, that was a lot to take in. First of all, I'm so so proud that you told him, even if the feelings were one sided. I don't think I've ever had the guts to tell anybody how I feel about them (not while sober at least) so you should be happy with that.
Secondly, I'd say DON'T waste this opportunity of him coming back. He sounds like a really special guy and you sound like you really like him. Don't let that feeling go, because as soon as you do it might disappear; it does for me at least.
But I should say be careful. I don't know how further education works there but the US is a hell of a lot bigger than Scotland. The guy I was in love with/good friends with went/goes to the same university as me so I was lucky. But here I am in Asia away from everything, and I'm not saying long distance doesn't work but I couldn't imagine being involved with anyone back in the UK.
That being said, as we've gathered I'm not one that has much faith in relationships because I look too far ahead with them. Thinking about a future with someone puts me off wanting to be with them, but this could be different with you. I hope it is, this guy sounds wonderful.
When does he move back??
ReplyHi Ray,
I just wanna apologize for the overload in that last reply-it was a lot to take in and I just threw it all on you without a warning.
Peter is already here. He's been here for at least 28 hours. I haven't seen him, but the fact that as I'm driving down the street I could run into him-it makes me...ahh.
I've been thinking about Ian. And yesterday, he was constantly reminding me that he didn't like me back. And I knew-he likes that other girl. And the thing is-I haven't shown Ian the other side of me. He hasn't met Elle, or the voices in my head, or my depression, etc. Peter has. Peter has met every single part of me and he has accepted it.
I don't what to do.
What if Peter coming in ISN'T a sign, but instead a trap? I've been thinking about that a lot.
Ian has been becoming uncomfy with me lately. Like, he dodged me yesterday in the halls, and he was a bit iffy yesterday during our conversation.
But that's okay.
Right, Ray? Right?
Gulp.
Happy November.
ReplyHey Elle,
Don't apologise for the overload, it's pretty healthy to unwind and I'll always be here to listen. Have you messaged Peter at all since he's been here? If not, I think you should. What's the point in having these opportunities at your doorstep and not embracing them? He could be gone again tomorrow, and then you will regret not having done anything.
As for Ian, that's what people are like unfortunately. I've been in his position where somebody told me they liked me when I didn't like them back. He was one of my best friends and I'd get drunk most nights, him sober, and we'd just mess around. I definitely led him on (but when you're that drunk, someone shouldn't let you make decisions like that, especially if you're not a couple). After he told me I just felt really awkward to be around him, and did all I could do avoid him which was difficult since he was my other best friends flatmate. I literally haven't seen him in over a year.
What I'm saying is, maybe he feels a bit awkward about the whole situation, but then again he's a guy so chances are he'll get over it. Don't do what I did, or what the other guy did and just give up being my friend.
In the end would you rather have him in your life as friend than not at all? Sometimes it has to be that way when we like somebody.
I hope it goes well, let me know if Ian does/says anything controversial and I'll fly over there to kick his ass for you.
Happy almost Christmas
- R
ReplyHello Ray.
About the overload-ditto. If you ever have to, go ahead and type as many pages as you want about what's going on. I'm glad I can talk to you.
I have messaged Peter. He and I have been talking a lot more since he came here. He lives exactly 2.1 miles away from me. He went to see his Dad and his little brother. I remember how much he loved his brother. He sent me an image of the two of them and he looked so happy. I'm glad he's happy. I really want to see him, but I'm afraid if I see him, everything will come crashing out and I won't be able to stop it.
Like, I've been attached to him for over a year. Almost a year and a half. And there are the small moments when he's like, "I think you're the person but I've lost the chance to see if you are that person," and things like, "Elle, if I was over there I'd date you in a second, but I can't date you right now cause touch is something I need." But then there are the small moments of, "Why are you so attached to me? I hate that you won't let go. I want you to be happy, and I'm never happy. I'd push you away if we dated."
And I get that. I push people away when they get that close too. And from my point of view, it seems as if he doesn't want to date me because he's afraid that if he messes up, he will never be able to get that exact friendship back...and I get that.
A part of me is scared of that too. Ugh.
I was advised to make a pros and cons list today, and I think I might do that with Peter. But honestly, there aren't a lot of cons. But there are some that people might reply with, "he's not the one," but I can't lose him.
I wanna go through the pain with him.
On Friday in class, I pulled back with Ian. Like I was less flirty, less hyper, and more focused on classwork. I don't think he knew how to take that in exactly. I think I might have taken it too literally. Oh well. I learned.
You only live once, right?
Happy almost Thanksgiving.
-E
ReplyHey,
Man I always have a lot to ramble about so I won't bore you with it.
I'm glad you're speaking to him but you do have that point - you risk losing a friend and sometimes it's best to not act on things just in case. If I were you I'd honestly just wait and see what happens, that's all anyone can do really. If it's meant to be then it'll fall into place when you least expect it to
As for Ian, he'll get used to it. If you guys are really friends then he won't let something like this ruin anything. If he does, he's a dick.
Happy nearly Thanksgiving (I'm sorry I don't know when it is but bless all the turkeys that have died to celebrate it (?))
- R
ReplyHey, sorry my reply is late.
One of my cats died last night. We have 3 large ones, and two of them are in love and have had kids before. Two batches. This batch, there were four and one of them died last night-so I'm pretty fucking down about that. There were some neurological issues going on-she couldn't even stand. The vets say that she wasn't even there. They didn't even put her down, she just died...
That's why I'm scared to take my animals to the vet. They never come back. That's why I never take my baby girl to the vet. She's an 11-year-old golden lab, who is having bladder leakage problems, and sometimes I have to hand feed her or help her to get up and move around. I just love her too much to lose her.
There's this thing that I volunteer at every Wedensday, it's a dinner I help out with. I've been doing it for like a year now. 11 months? But, I invited Peter to join me this Wednesday. I hope he can come...I asked him, and he said, "idk," And I said, "at least think about it?"
I found that Ian doesn't put up with depressed people. I was talking to one of his friends, and they go, "Yeah, I know Ian, and he doesn't put up with that shit. I'm sorry."
So I'm a fucking idiot. And I almost let him in too.
I do believe Thanksgiving is the third Thursday of the month?
-E
ReplyHi Elle,
I'm really sorry for what happened with your cat, I hope you're alright.. I think people underestimate how painful it is to lose an animal but believe me I can understand how hard it must be. I think taking your dog to the vet is always the best option, I know it's terrifying but if she's otherwise healthy/in no pain then I'm sure there will be no problem. Although personally I see where you're coming from, we took our boy to the vet and he never came back. I've never felt the same since, so I'm almost 100% sure that's the underlying cause for my depression.
I'm sure he will come along, and if not I wouldn't think anything of it. I'm guessing you're both pretty different people now so it might take a while to adjust. Give it a bit of time, I think.
As for Ian, it doesn't surprise me.. Not because he seems like an awful person (he doesn't) but because people don't really understand mental health if they haven't experienced it. They think it's a lot easier than it is, and they don't realise that by saying shit like that, it makes it a lot worse.
We have Bonfire night which was last night, but that's pretty much the only celebration in November. I'd love to be in America for Thanksgiving one year :)
- R
ReplyHi Ray. Something just happened but before that.
I'm sorry about your boy and the vet. When was that? How do you feel about it now?
Ian is good. Lately he's been hanging out with other people and not me, but that's okay cause I'm getting work done and stuff.
How was Bonfire night? How do those go regurally? I've never heard about that. Is that a town tradition?
Anyways-about what happened. I was sitting at the table with my friends when I got a snapchat from Peter. It ws just a simple picture of the leaf covered cement, and his location saying that he was in the same building as me.
I stood up so fast and I couldn't believe it. So my friend came with me, and I went upstairs to look for him.
I looked for 5 minutes before the bell rang. I couldn't find him.
I was litterally shaking, caring about how I looked or what I was doing, or I needed to apply more deoderant. It was stupid.
But I missed him. Peter was in the same building as me, and I missed him.
There's this thing I volenteered at every Wedesnday. Let's see if he'll come, cause I invited him.
-E
ReplyHi Elle,
First of all, sorry for the really late reply; I've had an assignment due and I'm currently on a weekend holiday in Vietnam.
It happened when I was 12 so that's 8 years ago, and I honestly can't remember how I felt before. I was a very very happy, energetic kid but as soon as I knew I was holding him for the last time I've not been the same as I was until very recently. It was just the suddenness of losing a best friend (I was hella weird so I didn't have many friends) that hit me for so long I think, and then bad experiences just piled on and made it impossible to get up for a while. I'd like to think I'm doing significantly better; this time last year I was not the same person I am today. I'm pretty sure this time last year I was ready to just die (I did a really bad thing and I couldn't live with the guilt of it).
So maybe all my problems do stem from that, maybe they don't, it's difficult to tell.
Ian sounds like what most guys would do, maybe it'll be fine at some point but I guess he just feels a bit awkward.
For bonfire night we usually build massive fires and have fireworks and stuff. I don't really understand why it's celebrated, it was some dude trying to blow up parliament and we basically burn things to represent him burning? Either way, it's not celebrated in Malaysia so I missed it. Have you had Thanksgiving yet?
I suppose by this time you might have an update on Peter, unless it's next Wednesday? Let me know (:
Hope your weekend is going well - R
ReplyHi Ray.
I'm in my room right now, letting my sister and her boyfriend have sex in the other room. I'm listening to music in my right ear, and I just let out a sigh that made me feel the ache of my heart.
I'm sick of being alone. But I'm used to it.
It's totally okay that it's late! I understand-assignments are more important. How did it go? Did you pass? I'm glad you're paying attention in schooling :)
On the conversation of losing pets, one of my cats passed recently, and my sister's boyfriend's dog got put down today. That's why he is over. I understand his pain though-a life without my dog is a life that isn't full.
Bonfire night sounds fun. I actually hate fireworks though-PTSD. the fourth of July is one of my worst nights, but that's okay cause it's also my dog's birthday, so I just stay home and celebrate with her.
I haven't had Thanksgiving yet. I'm pretty sure it's on the 25th? It's the 10th today.
About Peter...Oh, I got so nervous that night. I went to the car, put on mascara, put some chapstick on, and even put some perfume on. I was ready to see him. I was literally shaking from the thought of seeing him finally after a year.
But he didn't come. It was the end of the dinner, and he had finally replied from my text of, "You aren't coming, are you?"
He said, "No. I felt sick and so I went to the doctor's and they checked my knees and they found a blood clot." My sadness immediately went away-he had a blood clot. That's not something you can fault yourself for.
He continued to give me details, and then I said, "Thank you for keeping me updated. I'm sorry you couldn't make it."
And then he said, "I'm sorry. Please don't let the blood clot change anything."
And I'm not completely sure what that meant, but I know that he actually tried and that he was actually sorry he couldn't make it. Today is Sunday, and the next dinner is next Wednesday, so I'm gonna see if he can make it to that one. I miss him.
I hate myself. So much, Ray. And my sister and her boyfriend in the next room make me sadder. I wish I had someone to hold and cuddle during a film. I mean I have my two friends who I watch movie series with and cuddle, but they are dating, so when I cuddle with them, it just doesn't feel right.
I hope your weekend is going well, too.
Have a good night, Ray...
P.S: Also, I probably shouldn't ask this cause I might be freaking myself out, but my manic episodes have been getting worse. Lots of happiness, and hyperness, and acting out and doing things. Like sometimes I'm so hyper I'll scream, or I'll break a rule, or do something I don't usually do. But then I get these small moments of sadness, and I'm crying. Like I got home last night and just because of the time I had to think, I just lost it and I cried myself to sleep. Do you know what it is?
ReplyHey,
There's nothing worse than listening to over people together - I literally just dealt with the same thing with my roommate. Her and her boyfriend are lovely, it just makes me sad sometimes because they're so close.
I'm not sure how the assignment went, but it's 50% of my final grade so I hope I didn't screw it up. I'm really bad at coursework, I can't focus on writing them.
Bonfire night is fine, but I also don't like fireworks. I wish we had something like Thanksgiving. We have Burns night in Scotland but it's not really that significant. It was my dogs birthday on the same day though so I always get pretty depressed around that time.
As for Peter, blood clots on the leg are pretty serious so I think it's understandable. I hope he goes next week though, he sounds like a really nice guy.
I'll tell you something, if I knew what it was then my issues would be solved too.. I act impulsively because I don't know how long I'm going to be here, which does make me happy/excitable, but then I think about it more and it just makes me upset. I was probably the same when I was 17, it's a really really confusing time and it'll be a mixture of everything; hormones, guys, mental health; it all combines to create something unbearable. But it gets easier, trust me.
My depression is a lot better now but for a while I've had frequent sleep paralysis (I see a counselor for it, I hallucinate and spend the next few days paranoid as fuck). Since being in Asia I haven't had it, but I also get derealization that really really hurts. Yesterday I spent the entire day convinced that I wasn't alive. It's probably why I'm more impulsive now, because it's a lot worse and I don't see any consequences. I've started to try and do everything I can/live life pretty dangerously since I spent the majority of the time stuck in an alternate reality. I'm convinced, and will forever remain convinced that I was born in the wrong time; this time is so fucking painful and sometimes I wish I wasn't in it.
I went off on a tangent there but I suppose it does some good sharing my experience as well. It might make you see that things can be really dark but if you push through it, even if it still hurts, you can live a really nice life. I'm in god damn Asia travelling the continent and studying as I do so. I've worked so hard to be able to afford frequent travel and even though 6 days out of 7 I'm trapped inside my own delusions, I think I'm happy. I've never said that before, but I really think I feel happy sometimes. It's been 8 years since I could relate.
So for Christ sake, do everything, see everything, talk to Peter. Who knows what is going to happen tomorrow. We're not here forever. You mention that you feel happy sometimes - do impulsive things when you feel that way, because that's what I'm doing and I don't think I realise how lucky I am to have been granted these opportunities. Don't waste what reality throws at you.
May have had a minor existential crisis in the middle of that but I hope it helps? I don't feel alive right now but maybe it's okay. If I'm not alive then nothing can hurt, right?
This sounds like a good bye but it isn't. Please keep responding, you're one of the only people I can share these feelings with.
Enjoy your Monday, Elle.
- R
ReplyHello Ray.
How was your day today? Are you feeling alive?
I wish I was that close to someone. I need some cuddles. I mean, sex really isn't something I want to do in my life right now, but I'm totally game with other physicality. But I don't have any of it. No wonder I have so much depression. I don't have enough love.
Did you know that love-biologically-is a combination of neurotransmitters such as estrogen, testosterone, dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin? I always like to know what things are scientifically, so I always google.
I like to research and binge study on things that scare me.
Tomorrow is Wednesday, so I have no idea if Peter is coming. I asked him about it today and he just left me on read. I want to see him, but I'm afraid that he doesn't want me to see him because of how in love with him I am.
A part of me is just like, "go on your story and post a lock and a key with a heart," and another part is, "don't hurt him."
I wanna see him so fucking bad, Ray. Ugh.
''''''''''''================================================================IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhppppppppppppppppppppppppppvvvvvvvvvvvvxzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzx9hhhhhhhhhxxxxxxxxxxx
One of the kittens just climbed on the computer and typed that. She's on my shoulder now, licking my neck. Her name is Mouse. She's trying to bite my necklace, it tickles, ahhh.
Anyways.
We never know what's going to happen tomorrow, you're right, Ray. So when you feel down, or numb, or dead, remember that tomorrow will be different, and tomorrow might not even be a day. So live. Try. Breathe. Hurt. Run.
I wish I could give myself this advice.
I'm glad this isn't a goodbye. I don't share my feelings with a lot of people either.
Enjoy your...Tuesday, Ray.
-E
ReplyHey,
I'm actually feeling worse today, but I told one of the guys I know last night because it was getting unbearable. I feel so confused and everything is so blurry; I'm lost and I have no fucking idea what to do right now.
As for love and sex, they've both ruined my life. I don't see the big deal about sex, I've never enjoyed it. I don't like people touching me in any way, but sometimes if I'm feeling sad enough I'll let somebody hug me.
It's Wednesday right now so I hope it all goes well. I hope he shows up, he doesn't seem like the type of guy that would just ignore. I hate it when I'm left on read, it's the worst feeling..
Let me know how it goes (:
- R
ReplyI'm sorry Ray. I wish there was something I could do.
Please continue to message me, even if it's multiple messages. I'm here for you.
If it helps, me too. I've been so stressed lately and so manic, and last night I asked someone for a hug and they denied me, so I completely broke down last night and almost cut myself because of how bad I needed someone.
When you're lost, sometimes you just have to sit and take a second to remember why you're there and how you got there, before retracing your steps back on the trail. Does that make sense?
Don't leave me Ray.
-E
ReplyHi Elle,
At this point I don't really think there's anything that anyone can do. I woke up today more confused than anything, and I can just feel it getting worse. I feel possessed by something and I can't write describe what it is.
I can't believe someone would say no to a hug; I might straight up find someone and ask them today. I'm glad you never hurt yourself, I really understand how hard that must have been and I'm happy that you resisted.
That makes sense, yes, but it's difficult to retrace your steps when you don't really understand who you are anymore. I just want to feel normal, even going back to the depression, because even then I can feel SOMETHING. I hope your Wednesday is good, let me know how the night goes.
I'm never going to leave.
- Ray
ReplyHi Ray,
I'm sorry your emotions are getting worse. This may seem wrong of me to suggest, and I don't mean it as in harm to yourself, but maybe punch a wall. It will increase the rate of the heart, which increases adrenaline. Do those, "holy shit," moments. But be careful, please.
I understand why he had no to a hug because he was going through some stuff, but I just couldn't do it. Life is so stressful, and honestly, it just might be worth ending. But it's not and I keep trying to tell myself that.
I'm 2 months clean tomorrow. I can't believe it. I hope I make it.
Do you have a doctor? Maybe tell her how you're feeling and stuff before it gets too bad. Like...an alcoholic on a waiting list.
Wednesday was boring.
-Elle
ReplyHi Elle,
I'm not going to lie to you, punching walls is my automatic response. I actually have medication that blocks adrenaline, so whenever I do anything that increases my heart rate I feel really ill. I go for what I call "angry swims" where I do shuttle laps until I can't breathe and my chest is in pain. It's actually pretty dangerous for me to do but it's literally the only time I can feel anything.
Side note, I'm super done with people. I've realised my problem. As soon as I let anyone in, I instantly try to push them away. I told a guy how I was feeling the other day and he was nothing but kind about it, but then yesterday just went on a ramble about the fact that nothing matters. I told him the shit things I've done and then proceeded to say I couldn't speak to him again. This was after two of my "friends" ditched me while I had a freakout looking for my passport. I'm done with trying to make friends here; it shouldn't be this hard.
It's definitely not, so it's good saying that. There's a bit of comfort knowing that one day everything will be alright. In 10 years we might have forgotten this life and moved on to the next one.
That's amazing though, you should be so proud. Please keep it up (:
I don't have one here, I'm scared of visiting since accents are very strong and I don't know if I could get my point across. Maybe when I'm back home I'll go to a proper one, but I like my counsellor a lot so I'll see what he suggests.
Oh no really? Did he not show up?
I hope your day is going well (:
- Ray
ReplyHey Ray.
Swimming is...something I can't do. I can't swim. I really suck at swimming. Like, put me in the deep end and I just immediately start heaving, unable to breathe. I have horrible upper body strength.
I think I'm done with people too, Ray. And my friend Peter helped me realized that. Thanks, Peter.
I'm done waiting or letting people in only to get hurt because the thing is, I'm so used to the thought of being hurt that I make myself hurt. If I'm in a relationship and everything is going good, I cut myself or punch a wall to feel normal again cause happiness isn't something I know-depression is.
I'm 2 months clean.
Accents are strong? What accents?
I'm not doing good. Sort of. I don't know. Ugh.
-Elle
ReplyHi,
Oh no I'm so sorry, what happened with Peter?
I'm glad you haven't done anything in two months, please keep it going. Don't worry though, you're not the only one that does things like that. I sabotage every friendship or relationship I've ever had. And for what?? Fuck knows at this point.
By accents I mean since I'm in Asia, of I go to see someone, I may struggle to understand them which is my worst fear. I hope today is going well for you.
- R
ReplyHello Ray,
I don't know what's going on with Peter. He and I had a talk a while ago. Here's how the text messages went.
Me: "Peter. Reply. You don't wanna see me. True or false?" And he didn't reply, so then several hours later I said, "I love you. I apologize. You're right." And then he did reply.
"Right about what?" he texted back.
"I shouldn't be this attached to you. I should let go and let us be the friends that we were meant to be best friends. Like, I'm supposed to be there supporting you, not making shit more complicated, lmao. So I'm sorry, Peter. I've let go. You were right. I love you as a friend and only a friend."
At that time and moment, I just needed to say it out loud.
He replied back, "Elle. You're attractive to whoever you want. Don't let go. But I just want to tell you I can't ever date you. I'm not the person you are meant to fall in love with and have a future. You mean a lot to me. You're amazing."
And I said, "You mean a lot to me too."
But then my dumbass couldn't stop. I just had to keep going. But I was understanding. I continued, saying, "Okay, but one question. Why are you not that person Is it because of how you think of yourself? Like, maybe you don't think you're good enough for me?"
And he said, "You deserve better but I really don't wanna tell you the reason why." I concluded the conversation, understanding.
A couple days later, I think he told me. He said something around the lines of, "the thing I didn't want to tell you is I like someone."
But it didn't hurt me. I proceeded to say, "Peter, you're allowed to talk to me about whom you like and why. You're allowed to message me and tell me about this girl that is so perfect that you can't believe God put such an angel like her to roam this broken earth. It's okay. I'm your friend, you're supposed to talk to me about these things. It won't hurt me. I will support you and help you when you need to be helped."
He said, "I just dont want to Elle. I know it hurts you."
I said, "It won't hurt me, Peter. I won't allow it to. I want you to be happy."
If you love someone, you have to let them go, right?
I've been thinking about it so much, and I know that it's been so long and I'm still so in love with him, but it's time I've shoved those feelings away like I did with everyone else. Because I would rather have him in my life as a best friend than not have him as a friend at all.
I hope I'm making the right choice...
I've been stupid stressed lately.
Also, my friend told me he has DID. I decided to do some research, and Google said that DID and BPD are sorts of the same thing...
I almost cut myself yesterday.
-E
ReplyHi Elle,
I'm so sorry for what happened. In the end you're right, would you rather have him as a friend or as nothing at all? If it's too difficult to stay friends then don't, and I know it's really fucking hard but in the long run it works out for the best. I lost the guy I was in love with because he liked someone else and he thought it would be awkward for us to stay friends. Literally haven't loved anybody since him. That was 3 years ago. It fucking sucks, believe me, I know.
Don't do anything like that please, guys aren't worth it. I really hurt myself after the same thing happened to me and it was the dumbest thing I'd ever done. I'm always here if you need to talk.
- R
ReplyHey Ray,
How've you been? How're the thoughts? Are you keeping yourself caught up and doing your homework?
Here for you.
-E
ReplyHey,
I'm alright, I've managed to complete my assignments and I'm sat at the airport about to take a 5 day trip by myself before exams. I need to just be around myself for a while, but I'm excited to go. I hate how quickly my mood changes, I'm fine just now but at any second it can just fade.
How are you doing? Hope all is well.
- Ray
ReplyHey Ray,
I'm super sorry for this late reply. There wasn't a day that didn't go by where I didn't think of you, and I tried to reply back, but I was just so caught up in assignments in school, and the stress of life.
I've been okay. Ish. Super stressed lately. It's been affecting my mood so much, and then I go home and I'm so tired. I had just gotten out of the flu, and I had to make up assignments so that made everything worse, and I'm also leaving for a month trip in 8 days, so everything is being crammed in before I have to leave.
How's the five day trip? Did you finish it?
Hope all is well.
-Elle
ReplyHi Elle,
I'm so glad to hear you're alright, I got a bit worried. I completely understand though so don't apologise, I'm in the middle of exams right now so I understand how stressful it must be. I hope you take time to relax, I know it's a bit stressful taking a break when there's so many assignments and everything, but you do need to, otherwise it gets worse. Saying that, I take a lot of breaks and while I don't stress about deadlines, I stress when submitting/sitting in the exam hall.
My trip was great, it made me very homesick but it's less than 20 days until I'll be back home so I'm excited. I've been a little off, some scary shit happened the other day (I kinda lost control and it freaked me out), but I'm taking a day off studying to go meet a friend and get dinner.
I hope your trip is great; where about are you heading? It's a good idea getting everything done before. It'll seem like a lot of work just now but when you go on holiday with zero deadlines, it is the greatest feeling.
Best of luck finishing your assignments (:
- R
ReplyHey Ray,
It's officially the last week before I go onto my vacation of about a month. I'm asking my teachers what I'm gonna miss for the 8 days I'm gonna miss of school. I leave in about 5 days and 24 hours. I'm so nervous. I'm going on a plane by myself, Ray.
How's the trip? What's the best part of it so far? I'm sorry you're homesick. I'm gonna be so homesick. I'm gonna miss my baby girl Bonnie so much. Oh baby. I miss her already and I saw her about 2 hours ago. Poor baby. Ugh.
Best of luck of finishing your assignments too.
Apprently I have to start reading the Great Gastby.
ReplyHi Elle,
Is it a long flight? I came here on a 13 hour flight by myself and I promise you it's alright. Just be there in plenty of time, pack lots of a snacks, some headphones, an eye mask and ear plugs (if you actually want to sleep). It'll be fantastic, I'm sure once you get there you will love it. I have 15 hours on a plane next weekend to go home. It's boring as heck but just keep your mind busy.
The best part about the trip I took was getting to be so close to koalas and kangaroos (I'm living in Asia, but went to Australia for a week, and back to the UK next week). It made me just want to drop everything and move to Melbourne. I'm seriously confused at what I want to do with my life right now; it's stressful since I'm nearly finished it.
You might miss her for a bit, but bad homesickness actually emerges after about 3 months. A month is a great amount of time, you'll be able to explore the place and meet people. It'll be amazing, don't worry.
The Great Gatsby is one of my favourite books. We studied it for English in high school and it made me fall more in love with it. If you need any essays or analysis PLEASE let me know, I would love to help you (I used to write Gatsby essay for fun (yeah im a nerd)).
Best of luck finishing your deadlines.
- R
ReplyBy finished it I meant my degree, not my life omg
ReplyHello Ray,
So my first flight from Washington to Baltimore, Maryland is 4 hours and 50 minutes. And then after two hours, I go from there, to my destination-PR after another 4 hours. And after about a month, on the way back, I have two layovers. Gulp.
This is my last Tuesday in Washington for the rest of 2019.
I will make sure to pack everything. I also do have a journal someone gave me, and within it, I will journal every day, remembering the events that happened, so there is also that. I hope a plane isn't shaky like a car going down a road.
It's weird, the thought of falling asleep but actually being in the sky, a million miles above land.
What's the best part of The Great Gatsby? No spoilers.
I'm a nerd too, but of other things. Like astronomy, and crocheting, and science, and babies, etc.
Thanks. I'm so stressed. I relapsed last night. I shouldn't have.
-E
ReplyHi Elle,
I promise that the flight will be absolutely okay. You will feel like crap after because sleeping on a plane is never easy/you don't get a decent sleep (I never slept on my 13h flight so I'm now nervous about the one back home). Your holiday will be great though so just keep that in mind.
It's awful when it's shaky but it just means there are clouds everywhere. Once I was on a plane in the middle of a lightning storm, it was very shaky but nothing bad happened. Just have music ready to play to call you down, that's what I do (I also hate flights).
The best part is just the writing itself. The way everything is written is gorgeous and genius, every sentence and every word has been planned.
Ah I like astronomy too, I mean more cosmology but I love winter when I can go outside and spend the night stargazing at a crystal clear sky. It's why I love going home for the holidays. I live in the city now so I don't get the same sky. Back home we live in the middle of nowhere so there's no noise or sound pollution. It's my happy place I think. What other things do you like?
It's okay to relapse, it happens. Sometimes you don't even realise you're relapsing until you've fucked things up. But it's ok. It's all part of it, as long as you are fine. Don't feel bad about it, because every single person has been there at some point. It's not easy to stop, but just keep trying. I'm here for you when you need me.
-R
ReplyHey Ray,
I officially have 3 days before I have to go. I'm spending a lot of time crocheting and stuff, so that's fun. My last free day for the rest of the week is tomorrow-Thurs. Today I have dinner I do every Wednesday, and Friday I have to set up for a yearly Christmas party and then I also have a party to attend, and then on Saturday is the party, and on Sunday I'm out of here. I wanna die, I'm so stressed.
I love writing. I can't wait to write about clouds. I wonder what it will be like. Pink? Maybe a little orange. Beautiful? Most definitely.
Other things I like? Hmm. I love doodling or drawing. I do it all the time. It helps. And I've done it for such a long time too. What else do I like? I'm not sure. I love rain. A weird fantasy of mine is kissing someone in the rain, and then being left in the rain, and I glance up at the sky as my tears and the rain mix into one substance. It's wierd. I've seen too many movies, haha.
What are some weird fantisies of yours? I'd love to hear some. Someone of mine are weird too. Like, sometimes I imagine knocking on my biological mothers door, and when she opens it, I would punch her, and then I would hit her over and over again-the exact same way she always hit me-and then I'd leave her laying there, with 911 ready to be dialed next to her, and I'd leave. Fuck.
Sorry.
2 days clean. I wasn't even really sad. I just had to do it. It kept crossing my mind, so I searched my room for the blade, and I just did it. I had to do it. I missed the feeling of it. Fuck.
I'm gonna go continue crocheting.
Stay safe. I'm here for you too.
-E
ReplyHey Elle,
That sounds like a busy week, but Christmas parties seem really fun so I hope you enjoy it, even if it's stressful to set up.
I love writing too, although nothing I write is "normal". My old English teacher hated my writing because it was so different from the normal, but my teacher before that loved that aspect of it. I think for my portfolio I wrote about a guy born on a human-colonised planet, who went around as part of the secret service, destroying villages and children with chemical warefare. But he hated the planet and decided to go to Earth instead since he thought there was no need for humans to ever have moved away. My teacher didn't like it (it was pretty graphic with the genocide), but it was super fun to write. I'm also doing one at the moment about some assassins, but I stopped for a bit since a girl actually got murdered in the university accommodation. I felt a little insensitive writing about murder.
It's really nice to hear that you have hobbies though. I've never tried crocheting, is it fun?
Maybe you have watched too many movies, but so have I. I completely understand the appeal of that one you described. It might happen one day; fantasies have a weird way of sneaking up on you and subjecting you to them without your realisation.
I wouldn't say I have fantasies per se. I often imagine myself as the girlfriend of a famous musician, and getting to tour around America watching their shows every night. If I could have anything, that would probably be it.
I also sometimes think that I could be something more than I am. I did what my sister did, I left school, got into a good uni and picked a degree that I was interested in. I have a year and a half left, and sometimes I wish I could drop it all and start again doing something else. I was brought up to believe I needed to go to university, get a job and live out my life with that subject, which is why I did it. The more I think about it, the more I want to just leave and spend my life writing. I'd also love to record music. I'm not even very good, but I'm halfway across the world and the only thing I miss is my guitar and ukulele. I'm excited to just hold them next week when I go home.
Maybe it's too late for me to do that. I'm not even any good, as I said. But there's something about playing and singing along that makes me insanely happy.
I need to get my degree though. In Scotland, we get free education so I'd be wasting that if I just dropped out. But then what? I do another degree, become a doctor? What happens once I'm done?
Do you think it's too late to do the things I want to do?
I know what you mean. I haven't cut myself properly in years, but I've got other ways of self-harm that I didn't even realise could be classed as it. It's really hard to stop, and to this day I don't know how 'clean' I am. I delibrately do things that I know have consequences emotionally and physically.
But it's okay. It's part of getting better, so don't feel bad about it. I hope you feel alright.
- R
ReplyHey Ray,
Dinner last night was good. Actually, something happened.
So over the summer, there was this girl that I met. I had always thought she was cute. She had a really cute smile, and she was always laughing and helping others around. It took me forever to start talking to her. I remember one time she sat down in front of me, and we just ended up having a conversation, and then, later on, I wrote down everything that she had told me.
I have a thing for lists and countdowns. I make lists of important facts or dates regarding a person. I did it with her.
Anyways, after a while, I had asked for her snapchat. We ended up talking forever, and I eventually told her about how I always thought she was cute. A little time passed, and she and I ended up like flirting over text and stuff and continued.
Eventually, she had moved. She had to go into another town where her Aunt got custody of her cause her bipolar mom had gotten out of control. That was sad.
Anyways, I hadnt seen her in a while. And last night, at dinner, I heard my name being called and I turned around to see her sister right in front of me. And then she pointed across the room and I see the girl I thought who was cute-Isa-just standing there smiling. And I didn't realize how much I missed her until I had lost my breath seeing her stand there. Oh I had missed her.
Anyways, one night I had sent her a pick up line. "Your tongue is the strongest muscle in your body. Wanna wrestle?" She replied, and we ended up talking about it.
That night after she left, she sent me a message saying, "I would have kissed you, but my sister was there so it would have been weird."
Gulp. She might come to the party on Friday, so we will see how that goes.
Anyways...
I would have loved your genocide story. Every book deserves a good death. Crocheting is fun. It's something I do every day, actually. Well, I've been doing it every day for like, the past week. I'm making an infinity scarf for Peter. It's something I've been doing for the past week now.
I don't know what I'm going to do. Like, I don't know if I'll go into a uni, or a collage, or maybe if I'll do anything. It's scary to think about.
Ooh, you should record music! I've made a couple songs before, you should too. It's fun.
It's never too late to do anything you wanna do. The day it's too late is the day you do. Go out there, Ray, and make me proud haha.
How do you harm yourself?
-Elle
ReplyHi Elle,
I love to hear a cute story, I hope Friday goes really well! There's a girl I met during summer that I'd kill to see again..
That sounds so nice though, I wish I was that talented. I bet I couldn't even hold the needle things to croquet with, I'm useless.
I've done covers before and been writing my own stuff for like 9 years, but recording just sounds like so much effort. I might start a YouTube channel, just for my purposes not anyone else's.
It sucks because obviously it costs for everyone else, so I'd feel more guilty doing something and deciding I didn't like it. Uni is fun though, I think. Well it has it's moments.
Not so much now, but I used to binge drink because drinking makes me really paranoid, so I would have freakouts that I caused myself. I'd also have unprotected sex with people because it was 1) dangerous and 2) made me feel like absolute shit.
I don't do those now, at least I can't here in Asia since they're strict with alcohol.
Right now I just force myself into situations I know will cause me to freak out or feel bad. And I do punch walls, but that's because of something unrelated. It's not within my control to stop.
But it's basically all psychological self-harm. I realised after about 17/18 that people start noticing scars. Every nurse or doctor I've been to has asked about them, and my visible ones aren't even bad, they're just very obvious. I tell them my dog scratched me when I was a kid and none of them have healed.
The problem is, I know how to screw my brain up even more, because I'm studying psychology.
Hope your day is going well.
- R
ReplyHi Ray,
Friday is good so far. Um, yesterday something happened.
I went to Walmart to grab some last-minute things for Peter's Christmas gift, right? So as I'm heading up to the aisle, I see Peter just standing there working. And oh my gosh, I lost it. My breath went away, my heart skipped a beat, and I wanted to run into his arms and never let go. Instead, I walked away, and I kept going around, looking for a drink. I moved a couple of isles away from Peter, but he saw me. And oh my gosh he saw me.
I was shaking so much, Ray, so much that my mother had to tell me to take a deep breath and FUCKING BREATHE.
I kept my eyes on the cashier, and I kept looking down, and suddenly I heard him saying my name. "Ellllleeeee! Ellllllleeeeee!" *he used my real name*
I looked up and I saw him walking by with the cutest smile ever. And I just giggled and ACTED LIKE A GIRL. I FUCKING GIGGLED. I DONT GIGGLE RGJJWEOIG HVWKLEJ>D<GSMHF BVNLIWRKJ<DFSN.
Even the cashier caught on. When she saw me giggle and smile, she went, "Do you like him?" And I quickly shook my head and said, "Nope. Not at all. Just a friend."
She totally knew.
I left the store, and I could see Peter behind me, but I just kept walking. And eventually, he was behind me. He was behind me. He was right there. I could have touched him, but I didn't. I didn't hug him. Why didn't I hug him? And oh my gosh, his eyes. Ray, his eyes. I forgot how beautiful his eyes were.
Now here's the thing. I was scared to see him. Cause I was afraid that if I saw him, all those feelings would come rushing back. ANd they did Ray. They so did.
I told myself I was done chasing after him, but here I am, chasing after him.
I hate myself, Ray. Why the fuck can't I let him the fuck go?
-Elle
P.S: I hope your day is going really good too.
ReplyHey Elle,
This definitely sounds like something that most people experience, so it's ok that you don't know how to let him go. The same thing happened to me with my ex (we'll call him Lucas); he worked at the supermarket so when I knew he was working I would avoid going because I knew how embarrassed/awkward I would get (when we were friends, but we were more online friends until uni). And then I'd always blush whenever I saw him and my parents would be like "Oooh so who you blushing at?" (I have a problem w blushing, it literally happens even if I'm not embarrassed).
When we 'broke up' it was awkward because it's a small university we both go to so it's difficult not to see him. When I do though, I always feel something even though I'm completely over him.
I think that's the problem. Even once you're over Peter, you'll still feel something when you see him. It sucks but I guess it's just how this stuff works.
Maybe it would help to be with someone else? I rejected people when I was still getting over Lucas, and while I know it was the right thing, it didn't do any favours for me because I haven't had a relationship since. It wasn't even a proper relationship, it was a casual one. I literally cannot stand the idea of a relationship and I don't know if he's the reason.
My point is, it's ok to keep feeling stuff for him. But you want to move on right? It's difficult but it can be done, and I guess it needs to be done so that nobody gets hurt. Liking another person can be a start. Even if it's not the same level of like, just knowing that you can like somebody else is good.
Enjoy your day.
- Ray
ReplyHi Ray,
I'm sitting in my room. My phone is playing some soft music to my right, and next to it is my heater, a book, my keys, and whatever is lingering on the floor. To my left, is a coke, french bread pizza, and my dog.
I have 11 hours and 20 minutes before I get on a plane. I'm packing everything. And right now, throughout all of this, I just wanna hug Peter.
I saw him again yesterday-purposely. The plan was to give his step brother his Christmas gift, so he could have taken it home and delivered it. But then I found out that he was working, and so I asked him if I could deliver it myself. So I did. I dragged along my friends. We will call them...Bennett and Richard.
Bennett and Richard were with me in the car as we drove to the store, and the closer we got there, the shakier I got, and the more I couldn't breathe. And when the car stopped and we were asked to get out, I actually couldn't breathe, but my friends just kept shoving me out of the car and I fell into a nervous fit of laughter. So I walked into the store, and I couldn't stop shaking. I was looking everywhere for him, but I knew that he should have been outside. So we went outside to look for him, and there he was. My friend Richard waved to him, he waved back, and I ran into the store. Why was it so hard to see him? So my friends shoved me outside, and Peter waljed by-still on shift. He scared me, and I kicked him. I didn't mean to kick him. Why did I kick him? I hate myself. Eventually, Peter stopped in front of us and talked with us for about 20-30 minutes, and I managed to calm down, but I couldn't stop giggling and staring at him.
At one point he looked right at me, and I to him, and Ray, I got lost in his eyes. They were a light green, almost hazel, with small specks of orange.
To this day his eyes are my favorite.
He took the gift. And later that night, I got a message from him saying, "Thank you Elle, I loved it."
And then, on a public 24-hour story, he said, "My best friend is better than yours. Elle is probably the sweetest person and funniest person ever, She may not act like she cares about things ut I know she does. She is my best friend and she can't be replaced. We have had fights n everything but no matter what we know we love each other and will always have each others backs."
He loved his gift, and that made me crazy happy.
But the thing is, when I begin to like someone else, I always base them off of him. Peter did the same thing. Peter would have done this. Oh, Peter this and Peter that and Peter everything.
Do you remember when I told you that cute story about Isa? "ee-sah" Right. There's that too.
But I'm afraid of liking someone cause I really don't want to hurt them. Past the whole Peter situation, I'm also really fucked up mentally.
Anyways.
I'm super nervous for tomorrow. And because of me going on the plane and everything, and I'm not bringing my computer with me, I don't know the next time I'll message you.
But if you ever need anything at all, message me. I don't care if I come back to 1 message, or even 30, just let everything out.
By the time you read this, I will probably be in the sky.
I'm so nervous I don't think I will be able to sleep tonight.
-Elle
ReplyHi Elle,
I think it's amazing that you have a friend like that. Tbh, I'd kill for a friend like that. It's completely ok to base others off of him, it's actually really normal (I had to study it so I kind of understand about relationships and why people like certain people). Eventually it will get easier to not think about him when with someone else. The guy I was in love with at 18 is far from my type now. I'm probably the complete opposite of that. Thing is, your interests and ideals of people will change, but for now it's ok that they haven't. It just makes it a bit more difficult to get over them.
I hope your plane ride was ok. This time in a week I'll be sat in Amsterdam about to board a plane to the UK. I'm so freaking excited to go home. I'm fed up of here, but I'll miss it. It'll definitely be Stockholm syndrome, where I miss being here but I forget how much I actually dislike it. The country is beautiful, but if I had to stay here any longer I would lose it. I'm so lucky my course doesn't let me go for a year, because that's initially what I wanted to do. I want to be sat at home watching shite movies with my parents, with fluffy socks and a Christmas jumper. I'm wearing a jumper just now but it's not the same when its December and its still over 30 degrees (like 90 degrees Fahrenheit??). I also have a final exam tomorrow which I'm super super screwed for; I don't know a single thing.
I hope your flight was good, and that you landed alright. What's it like where you are?
- R
ReplyHey Ray,
So much happened. I don't know how to tell you all about it. But right now, I just wish that I was still in Puerto Rico. I miss it. I miss the family, and the heat oh my. I came back to snow.
A lot happened in the past 3 weeks. A lot. I came back to Washington a different person, haha.
How was Amsterdam? Tell me all about it.
I'm sorry I was absent for the past 3 weeks.
Did you see the news? I was also in an earthquake. 6.7.
ReplyHey Ray,
Thinking of you. I hope you're okay. I'm really stupid tired. It's very hard for me to open my eyes, and my head feels heavy. But I've got 8 hours of school left, with only about 5 hours of sleep.
I'm homesick. It hurts the most at night when I'm trying to go to sleep but can't cause my sister isn't next to me.
Ugh.
It's snowing here. It's too cold for me. I don't really like the cold-I prefer the heat. I mean, I am from Puerto Rico, so...
ReplyHey Ray,
Thinking of you. I hope you're okay. I'm really stupid tired. It's very hard for me to open my eyes, and my head feels heavy. But I've got 8 hours of school left, with only about 5 hours of sleep.
I'm homesick. It hurts the most at night when I'm trying to go to sleep but can't cause my sister isn't next to me.
Ugh.
It's snowing here. It's too cold for me. I don't really like the cold-I prefer the heat. I mean, I am from Puerto Rico, so...
ReplyHi Elle,
It's good to hear from you again! I'm so glad you enjoyed your holiday. I can relate with the heat thing, I was at 32 degrees Celsius in Asia but got minus degrees when I returned. It was horrible at first, but I suppose I'm used to it now.
Tell me about everything, I would honestly love to hear your experience of the place. I've never been in an earthquake before, was everyone alright?
I just moved into my new flat on Thursday. It's so strange being back in Edinburgh by myself. I don't really know anybody here just now since my friends are away until summer. I need to really stick in at university since this semester is important. Don't know if I can focus on something for that long, but we'll find out I suppose.
But tell me about your past month, I'd love to hear.
Hope all is well!
- Ray
ReplyRay!
Oh how I've missed your messages!
The month was amazing actually. I have no idea why I was so scared.
I met my biological father for the first time in forever, so theres that. It took a while to get used to seeing him, but everyone was ALWAYS telling me how much I looked like him. I also met his sister-my aunt, and some other family too! I met so many people. I met like 15 cousins, and both my abuelas, y abuelos, y titi's and dios! That means my grandmas, grandpas, aunts, and uncles! I met my brother for the first time in ten months so theres that, ah!
It was great. So many parties.
I finally understand where I'm from, and I think I might move there once I turn 18, and I'm out of school. I love it there so much.
The earthquake was scary though, but I'll have to get used to them if I wanna live in Puerto Rico.
I'm actually a little homesick. Trying to get through it. I got back to a million assignments. So im attempting to finish all of that.
I asked Isa out about two weeks ago. Yeah.
As much as I want to talk about Puerto Rico, I'm actually trying to do some assignments and write an essay right now, so I'll talk about it in chunks. Maybe you could ask questions and we could go from there?
Glad to hear from you. Happy New Year, or how I said it, Feliz Ano Nuevo.
-Elle
ReplyHey Elle,
First of all, I'm sorry for a delayed response. I've just started my second semester and it's all been a bit hectic. I'm trying to dedicate my time to studying this year, and I'm also attempting a detox from social media platforms to try help with mental and physical health. This year I've actually felt really good, surprisingly? I don't know what happened. I think for the first time in my life I'm realising the importance of self-help, and as cliché as it is, I feel as though I'm on the right path towards finding what I'm passionate about.
It's so nice to hear form you again though, and I'm so happy that you enjoyed your vacation. It must have been scary meeting your dad for the first time, but you seem like you enjoyed it a lot.
It's also nice that you have a future plan to move their. Planning a future is honestly one of the most important steps to enjoying life. As soon as you find things to look forward to, things get ever so slightly brighter. I hope you stick with that plan.
I'm currently thinking about my future too, and what I actually want to do when I leave university. I'm thinking about where I want to visit and how I can afford to go there. I'm thinking about my future home in Canada, or Sweden, or Australia, or literally anywhere but the UK since we're pretty screwed up at the moment. It's scary to think that I'll graduate in a year, but I'm starting to realise what I might want to do for the rest of my life.
How did the asking out go? I apparently have a huge crush on one of my lecturers. I rarely get crushes this strong but he's honestly the sweetest, funniest and most genuine guy in the world. Too bad he's married :L But his class is hella interesting, and he's actually making me want to be a better person. I've already started changing things about myself to improve. So even if I'm helplessly in love with a married person, he makes me see everything in a greater light.
How was Puerto Rico? It seems like such an incredible place but I don't know a huge deal about it. Also what essays are you writing, maybe I could help? (doubt it but would be nice to hear about it).
Next time I wont take so long to reply, I'm sorry again. Hope your week is going well!
- R
Reply*future plan to more there not their omg that annoyed me so much
ReplyRay, hi.
I'm sorry my message is late. Semester one finished with some finals, and I had to get new classes, and I had some family issues, and now I've joined the spring musical, and now I got a job.
Ugh.
Anyways, I'm sorry. Hola, como estas?
Oh yeah! Great Gastby? A GOOD ASS BOOK, OH MY! It's so good!
The asking out was stupid, now that I think about it. Because as Isa and I continued to talk, she set us as friends with benifits, and then one day out of the blue, after weeks of not talking, she asked me to be her valentine and then went from there.
She's not very straight forward. It's as if one second we are dating and then another second we aren't. Except we aren't dating, haha.
But something happened yesterday. I was showing my dear Peter some messages that I had written about him in my previous school years, and Peter said, "Can I have those messages? By the way, I love you. And I'm sorry I moved away, it wasn't easy."
And then he proceeded to tell me about how he was in love with me and has been for 3 years, ever since he shook my hand the day we met. I'm surprised he remembered that.
I don't know what to do, Ray.
Love is just so dumb and unpredictable, and I'm sort of in a non-labeled, secret, no-one-knows relationship with someone in Puerto Rico. We aren't dating, or anything. But we seem to like each other, even though we haven't confessed feelings to each other or anything.
We are always like, "I miss you, come back, I wanna hug you, let's spoon, I can't wait till youre back," etc, etc.
Ugh, emotions are dumb. But I'm glad I have them, because they are what make me happy.
I'm sorry I'm just dumping a whole bunch of shit on you. I've been so busy that I haven't had time for myself, and now that I'm writing it all out, it just won't stop.
I'm going back to Puerto Rico over the summer! I can't wait!!!
Tell me about your lecturer~
Sincerely, Elle~
ReplyHello, Ray.
I miss you. How are you? I hope you reply.
I was 104 days clean. I relapsed last night. And funny enough, the last time I had relapsed, I was also 104 days clean! Haha!
My self esteem is terrible rn. My arms and my thighs hurt, I keep spacing out, and I have no idea what time it is. I fucked up, lost all my trust of my parents, and lost all media devices, all leaving abilities, and any trust. And my music. I need my music. I'll go insane without my music. I'm going insane already.
Update: I didn't go to Puerto Rico this summer. I have a boyfriend. My old friend group-NWAC, they hate me. I am no longer part of their group. I am sad right now. I just want to leave my fucking house and take a damn fucking walk, but i fucking can't because I fucked up and my parents are so fucking mad at me they will never trust me again.
I turn 18 in about a month and 13 days.
I miss you, and I really hope youre doing okay.
ReplyHi Elle,
I'm so sorry that it's been so long. I honestly forgot that this website existed for a bit during the whole pandemic since I was actually feeling okay for most of it.
But since I'm back now I guess that means I'm not completely okay again.
I'm sorry that you never got to go to Puerto Rico this summer, but it's good to know that you have a boyfriend now. Is it one of the people from before or somebody new?
It's alright to relapse. I know that people will get mad over it but it's just part of everything, especially now. It's not an easy time. Don't worry about it.
I came back on because right now it feels like the start of things about to take off again. I feel that the only friends I have I'm losing, my pet was put down, I'm starting my final year of university and my grandad is very ill. I didn't feel any of the effects of the pandemic until yesterday when both my friends did things that had me questioning my relationship to them.
That's funny, I turn 21 in about a month and 7 days. I wonder if we have the same birthday.
I hope you're alright.
Sincerely, Ray
ReplyHi, Ray!!
Honestly, I'm so glad to hear from you! I don't know what it was this morning that made me check in on this website, but here I am.
This whole pandemic has sucked-trust me, I'm right there with you. At the beginning of the pandemic, it had gotten so bad, I stopped getting out of bed at one point.
I'm sorry you're losing your friends. Sometimes it's a good thing though. My old friend -NWAC? With Josh, Sam, Jordan, Yasmeen, etc? You may or may not remember, but they hate me now, and I actually had to leave their friend group. It was rough. I'm with a better friend group.
My new boyfriend is sort of a new guy. He was someone I used to know in the past, but then he fucked up, and we stopped talking cause I was angry with him for a long time, and then we just started talking again, and one thing led to another, and here we are, nearly 4 months later, still dating. He's cool.
Happy birthday, Ray. I hope you had a fun 21' st birthday. My birthday is October 8th-is it near yours?
I'm alright. I've had my ups and downs. I'm a week clean. It finally started getting better about a week and a half ago; I was feeling suicidal for the longest time-I didn't know what to do.
Online classes suck.
Are you doing any better? Hows it going? I'm so damn sleepy, I think I'll take a nap later.
I'll be sure to start checking in here more. I'm glad to hear from you.
-Elle
ReplyHey Elle,
I'm sorry it's been so long, I've been super busy and I just completely forgot to even check this website. For some reason I checked today.
It's good that you're with a better friend group. I remember being at school and not liking my friend group very much, but now I only keep the friends I like. One of the friends I was questioning my relationship with I've just dropped completely. I realised that I didn't really like anything she said to me since it was always so negative.
My birthday is the 12th of October! I hope you had a good birthday too, even though it was a while away. And a good Christmas and New Years, given the circumstances.
I'm glad you're feeling a bit better at least. It's alright to still feel down at times, especially during the pandemic. I was feeling alright for a while, but so much started happening all at once. My grandad passed away during all my exams, and I've been trying to decide on which degree I want to do after my undergraduate. I'm feeling a bit lost right now. I did well in those exams though, despite what happened, so I'm proud of myself.
Online classes do suck, I agree. But we have a lecturer who is great and makes everything less stressful. I've been reading more about American history and politics (honestly it's so much more interesting than British stuff) to distract myself from everything. I was planning on going to New York at some point this year but obviously corona is still a thing. There's a university course that offers work placements abroad, if I decide to go onto that course then I might be spending a couple of weeks in America this year.
I hate being an adult though. This week especially I've just been looking for reasons to stay alive. I'm struggling at the moment with my university workload and deciding on a future career since in the end I don't know if I'm good at anything. Part of me just wants to move abroad and see what happens. The other part of me just wants to give up now and save myself the bother of trying to work it out.
I hope you're doing alright. I'll try and check this more often from now on.
- R
Reply