What are you looking for?
It still h u r t s .
8 months ago · · BPD, · Explicit
So I had a rough ass past. Meaning my father left before any memories of him stuck, and I was stuck with my bipolar excuse of a mother, Michelle. She was unmedicated, and it also didn't help that she had a huge guilt complex. She hit me, a lot. With anything she had available. I remember being hit so many times that when she told me to go clean myself up, I ran down the stairs so scared, only to see blood just rushing down my face from my nose, and from my head.
I'm still getting scared right now just thinking about it. PTSD.
Did you know that I grew up thinking that was normal? I felt so out of place when I saw kids with their Dad's, or their birthday's being celebrated.
I thought the norm was getting hit and being told to fuck off for the night with no chance of dinner.
I got kicked out at 14. She was done with me. For 2-3 weeks, I was couch hopping between two people and a laundry room, not knowing what to do.
Then my best friend of now 6-7 years contacted me, and I told her what was going on. Her family took me in and to this day I still live with her. I'm 17 now.
But the thing is, through the happy ending of finding my real home, it still hurts.
Everything still hurts.
I still cut, I still cry myself, I have to take meds because my dopamine levels are crazy low, and my PTSD and anxiety aren't helping either. I also have BPD.
I wish I could hurt Michelle the same way she hurt me.
But I'm afraid I'd turn into her if I do.
I'm afraid I will turn into her.
The voices in my head are named after her-Elle. So maybe one day, it'll be Elle.