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For as long as I can remember, I have harboured intense depression and isolating feelings in myself. And for as long as I can remember, bad things have continued to happen to me. Since I don't know where else to post this, as I do not want my family to find out, I decided to do it anonymously here.
When I was still a young girl, I used to be rather 'pretty', according to a lot of people around me. But I happened to be 'pretty' in a manner that made people think that I was very innocent and probably dumb enough not to know what was going on. It didn't help that I was also a very quiet and introverted kid, to the point that I was considered mute or arrogant, or even sick, by my peers.
I was still eight years old when I was first touched inappropriately by a male. That male was a tutor who used to come to my house to teach me, and my siblings. At first, I didn't know what was going on, but overtime I began to realise what he was doing. However, I was too scared to outright tell my parents what was happening to me.
So, I decided to lie and told my mother that the teacher always pinched me, and that I don't want to study with him anymore. That teacher was fired after that, but it took me an year to realise what I had really happened.
Right after I had gotten away from that influence, I thought that things would turn out to be better. However, it didn't take long for a distant-uncle (my father's cousin) to become interested in me. He began to pester and force me to touch his private part whenever he came to visit and got me alone.
At that time, I was unable to understand how a someone related to me could do that to me. I thought only strangers could do that. I tried not to touch him and when I couldn't think of how to tell my family about this, I ended up deciding to just hide whenever he came around and overtime, he stopped looking for me.
I still see him sometimes when he comes to visit but I never leave my room.
Once more, I had thought that it would be the end of it. But unfortunately, it wasn't. I used to take the school bus with my siblings, and the bus driver happened to be another distant relative of mine. Just like the teacher, he began to inappropriately touch me.
Again, I was not sure how to bring this up to anyone, and I ended up trying to get away from him by myself, avoiding the bus as much as I could and sitting the furthermost from him before I changed schools.
Around the same time, I was also dealing with a cousin, someone who was not much older than myself, and he often found opportunities to rub himself against me, especially by pretending to 'hide' with me whenever we played hide-and-seek.
It lasted until I gathered the courage to shove him away, something that scared and stopped him.
When I changed buses, by the time I was in eighth grade, I began to attract some attention from the older boys at my school, who were went home in the same bus as myself. They were all about 3-4 years older than myself.
I thought they were all decent people, until I began to get messages from them on Facebook. They would always give me strange compliments, saying that I looked like a certain actress or another - and whenever I looked to see who they were, they continuously turned out to be adult film actresses.
Whenever I would block them, they would continue to respond by fake accounts where they would tell me about all the things that happened in those adult films with those actresses.
At the same time, eighth grade also turned out to be the worst year of my life. I was made a prefect by my teachers, and my whole class made sure that I had no easy day. I was regularly ridiculed by my peers, the administrator and even the headmistress.
My self-esteem and self-confidence took a horrible blow. I began to deliberately gain weight enough to appear 'ugly' to the superficial boys of my school. I began to do bad in school and stopped participating in activities. And I gained a lot of hormonal problems.
It worked. No one wanted to touch me after that. No one wanted to tell me about those adult film actresses.
I had thought that would be the end of it. But it seemed like people who were fat were just as equally mistreated as others. I was continuously belittled for gaining weight by my family and others around me.
I had often thought that maybe life would not have turned out this way had I told my family about this. But my family life is not that great. My parents don't really spend a day without having an argument. Even if they say it doesn't matter if they fight, I have began to fear arguments, and loud voices cause me intense anxiety.
And I was also physically and mentally abused by a close aunt, making me become even more of a recluse.
I do not have a lot of friends to vent to. Since I had always been too quiet and shy, I have only interacted with people whose friends didn't come to school someday or went home early, making them have no one else to talk to but me, the only kid who sat alone.
To this day, I struggle to make friends. I cannot make friends with people who I see often, as my bottled-up emotions cause a lot of trouble or I indulge too much in their troubles, which makes me even more suffocated. I can barely count three people to be my 'friends'. And I don't meet them for months at a time, and only talk to them when they have something troubling them.
I have never been in a romantic relationship, even though I have met very nice men. But I cannot, for the life of me, ruin such nice people by burdening them with my problems.
This year, I have finally turned 20. And now, I'm trying my best to turn my life around. I have started to lose weight and try to fix up my hormonal imbalance. But still, I struggle with horrible relapses and depression, as well as social anxiety.
There are days when all I can do is cry all day long, and there are days when I lay in bed all day without doing anything. I often sleep for extended periods of time or I don't sleep for days, and I rarely find myself to be hungry. And I also get increasingly angry.
I have no social life nor do I work to have one, and I no longer find any pleasure in things that used to excite me. I continuously get stressed about things out of my hand.
Everything is increasingly suffocating.
I have tried to commit suicide several times, but I never went through it out of fear of what would happen afterwards. And there is not a day that goes by without me contemplating suicide.
I have not done horrible things to people, even when I could and thought it was 'justified', I always apologise for the smallest of inconveniences, I keep no grudges against anyone, I have never drank nor have I ever smoked, so why do bad things keep happening to me?
I'm not a bad person.
I just want to love and be loved.
[I apologise for any spelling or grammar mistakes. English is my third language, and I do not use it often.]
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Hi,
Your life seems to be traumatized by action of your peers, relalatives and colleagues impacting your health and mental well being. Here this out..
There are people who have low level of humanity and are just like any other goons who probably dont have a good future. You were victim of their acts and you just gave up fighting for yourself. You should not be allowing them to dictate your future. You have to fight up against such situations and have to be strong about it. What worst could happen ?
Also, since you are 20 now and are less social, you have ample of time to reshape your personality. I say, forget the past... hit the gym or similar activities... boost up your confidence... accompany like minded people who help you progress and show you future...and kick asses of people who put you down.
Hope my words bring some ray of hope in you. You can connect with me on my instagram - cobra_monk if you feel like having a word :).
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