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My Unsent Letter
4 months ago · · Depression,
You took me under your wing the first few months I was in the fleet. My first experience in the Navy was being raped by my charge nurse, department head, mentor, and mostly my father figure. I have questions I know I will never have answers for. I don't know if you just wore down my walls or if some reason I truly believed you cared about me. My mom warned me to be careful and why did an officer have attention to a junior sailor. You were everything I wanted in my Navy career. I will never have because I believe I can no longer trust anymore. You will never know the truly devastating effects on me.
Do you blame and say I lead you on, and why did I wait so long to report you, it must not have been that bad. I reported restricted a month after it happened, but it was never filed. I have been in therapy since what you did. I tried to believe it never happened, but it has and I believe you have done this before. Which eats me alive.
I sat in your office asking for closure and honestly it was true. I was praying you would give me answers. Do you believe you made a drunken mistake, or did anything wrong? I was sober and you were drunk. Why did you apologize on those text messages, or was it to convince me to not report you that night. Did you harass me, calling and texting me so you could make me believe it was all a mistake. Did you talk about you combat PTSD to try and minimize my trauma you did to me? Did you bring up your 3 kids and wife in remission from breast cancer to get sympathy.
I cannot put into words the damage you did to me. The blame and self-hate I placed on myself for trusting you and letting down my walls and telling you my cousin raped me at 13 years old. For not seeing the red flags and freezing in the moment. I truly wanted to just believe it never happened, but it did. You're cold glassed over eyes are burned into my nightmares, something I will never forget. Yet through all of this I have placed a fake smile once again and no one could ever tell anything was wrong. I don't know how you ever saw past my smile, maybe that is why I trusted you.
You held me down by my hips, do you remember or were you too drunk. What about forcing me to give you oral, placing your hand on the back of my head. What excuse are you going to use to explain what you did, all the text messages saying you would "[I will] spend a life time trying to make up for it" and admitting you "[I] betrayed your trust in the worse way". Again I know I will probably never get answers, and you will never understand how you truly hurt me in the worse way possible.
I will forever hide my pain behind my smile.
Hospitalman United States Navy