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help help help i'm gonna be rambly and make no sense but help
I feel like a drama queen while writing this but my head feels hot and heavy if I keep it in. The only ways I can get rid of this is by crying or writing. Or both. my anxiety keeps telling me that someone that knows me will read this and know my secret but hey ho whatever
All my life (16 years that is) I've felt that I never fit in. I am a 5ft black muslim girl, of course I never fitted in. I'm an outsider. Right now, I have maybe around 3 friends, whom I feel hate me - they often leave me behind and walk comically faster than me. I'm the person that walks behind the group on the sidewalk because the path is never wide enough.
I always imagine what it'd be like if I died. It passes my mind nearly everyday.
"What if I wasn't here tomorrow? Nobody would notice anyway."
Today was a tough day. Tougher than usual. All my classes have suddenly kicked up their difficulty-levels to about 5000. I'm falling behind - I need help. But something inside me keeps preventing me from putting my hand up in class. Maybe it's anxiety. I've considered this since I was 13 years old. But of course, my parents deny it.
I want to run for Head Girl. For those of you who do not know what that is; most secondary schools in the UK have a student leadership team that consists of a Head Boy and Head Girl, students that serve as the role-models for the rest of the school.
I want to do it but something in me tells me that I won't get it. No one will vote for the girl who sits at the back and says nothing. Oh, but EVERYONE will vote for the pretty but rude white girl with long dyed hair, for sure. You know the ones - you might even be one yourself. The kind of girls that mingle with the 'cool' boys. The kind of girls that dip-dye their hair and wear expensive clothes. The kind of girls that talk loud and are so confident and are so pretty and wear make-up. I am none of those and I feel bad about it.
It makes me feel like I will never be successful if I'm not pretty enough, or confident enough, or ENOUGH. I am not enough.
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You never fit in maybe because you are more than just enough.
Maybe you are extraordinary.
You Pretty soul , you don’t have to be white and cute to be confident enough.
You and me are just the same, other than fact that I don’t live in U.K. and I’m 18 years old. I live with anxiety and extreme depression. I have some who loves me dearly but I had no clue about it. Maybe . Maybe you too have someone who is still loving you and you don’t even know about it . Be confident baby. We gotta be loud to put our words upfront. If they’re gonna make fun of you . let them. That’s what they are capable of doing anyway. You must believe in your self . You gotta love yourself. You don’t have to be fair when you know that Allah had created you extremely beautiful. You’ve got the power. Take part in the HEAD GIRL and be a champion. Talk to students about environment crisis , self help for suicidal or depressive suicidal. You gotta be upfront and confident . Words matter. Even if they don’t vote you. That’s fine. You know you value. People are no one to judge you. Be positive child. Take good care of you.
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