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Honestly, I don't know anymore . . . half of the time I wanna disappear but the other half I wanna see the world. If I kill myself will anyone miss me? Or will I just be another grave in the cemetery?
Sometimes when I'm surrounded by people, I feel like I never belong . . . I feel like I'm just a nuisance to everyone, even the ones I call friends.
Will I ever matter to anyone? Will I ever find somewhere I belong?
Probably. Probably not. The only thing is that I'll never know. If I go through with killing myself I might give up a chance of finding where I belong. If I don't? Then I could live my life realizing there's nowhere to go and that I was just a waste of space . . .
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You aren't a waste of space. It seems to me that you are young. I'm not really old, I'm 28. I can remember those times. If you allow yourself, you will realize that others matter less and you matter more. For those of us who question life more deeply than others, it can seem impossibly complex at times. You feel that no one can relate to you an your life will never change but I PROMISE you that it will. You matter. You matter right now. As a person that I can uplift, you bring meaning to my life. They may not realize it, but if my words have encouraged you, then I have made a difference in the life of your caregiver. Maybe I kept them from losing a person that they love beyond measure to suicide. Maybe by being here in this moment, after multiple attempts and half-ass attempts at suicide, I have made a difference.
ReplyI am young. I'm only 17 years old. For the last couple of years, I've been fighting these thoughts. They consume me and overpower everything else that I think. My friends have told me over and over again that I'm worth something and that I just haven't waited long enough. I take everything to heart including this message. I'm too weak and too scared to go through with any of my attempts but I still think about it. I care too much for everyone around me. I don't ever want them to go through the pain of my own decision. I know that my life will get better. I know that it will change. I just don't like the idea of all the pain that might be coming my way and it scares me sometimes. I just don't wanna go through the same pain I went through already. The feeling of losing two friends at once because of their decision to abuse my trust is the worst thing anyone can do.
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